THE YEAR OF LIVING SPURIOUSLY

SG Turns One Year Old, But Acts At Least Three

Tonight while the illegitimate children of satan-worshipping single welfare mothers are roaming your neighborhood like a pack of Somali thugs, whoring themselves door-to-door for wrapped baubles of confectionary or crack cocaine, the Spurious George staff will gather at Rex Kramer’s estate for their weekly prayer dinner and Trivial Pursuit (Reagan Edition) tournament. While most of the evening’s conversation will no doubt be consumed with praises for the Lord and prayers for Mark Foley’s soul, we may allow ourselves the forgivable sin of pride when he toast today’s first anniversary of Spurious George with a glass of domestic, non-alcoholic champagne.

Just one year ago today I started SG with nothing more than an outdated computer and a dream…a dream to educate the hippie horde about the sweet, sweet lightness of being inherent in unquestioned America-loving. While the dream remains the same, so much else, unlike the average hippie’s underwear, has changed. Thanks to our tax-exempt status as a recognized religion, we’ve been able to move up from our original, humbles offices (aka “mom’s spare room”) to the stately Kramerica Kompound, a palatial estate befitting an organization as universally-applauded as ours, and which often times serves as one of Dick Cheney’s “undisclosed locations” whenever the terrorist threat level rises above yellow. Also, we have embossed stationary now…and are thinking about getting team jackets.

I will admit that when we started this kooky thing we promised this would be a one-year-only endeavor, after which the entire staff would enlist in the Marine Corps with the understanding that we’d all be sent to Iraq until the war was won once and for all. That said, it has become clear to us that, much like the Republicans who swore in 1994 that they would serve a maximum of twelve years in Congress, we serve our nation much more efficiently in our current positions. We of course support our troops, and look forward to joining them on the front lines of freedom this time next year. Maybe. We have this trick knee, you see.

In any event, it has been a pleasure providing RexHead Nation© with near-daily doses of patriotic prose for the past 365.25 days. Now, go get a haircut!

JEAN SCHMIDT: A PROFILE IN COURAGE

Cincy's Sexy Stay-the-Courser Stands Strong!

(Cincinnati) When contemplating history’s great women of self-sacrifice, most people conjure up images of Mother Teresa, Florence Nightingale, and Britney Spears (although not necessarily in that order.) Future generations, however, will no doubt add to that list Rep. Jean Schmidt (R-OH,) a striking woman unafraid to speak the truth, fight for justice, or expose her constituents to imported nuclear waste. Despite being inexplicably in a dead-heat with a Democratic, cut-and-run advocating challenger, Schmidt was characteristically decisive when confronted with the political glowing-potato of a proposed nuclear waste dump being placed within her district. “I'm not advocating for it one way or the other,” Schmidt in no way waffled. “I'm saying it is something we need to look at (actual quote.)"



While some al Qaeda sympathizers in her southern Ohio district aren’t so much worried about looking at it as they are inhaling and drinking it, more patriotic pundits point out that Schmidt’s stance is consistent with her life-long dedication to conservative principles. “Unlike her opponent, Congresswoman Schmidt would rather import nuclear materials than export them,” rationally explained fellow female freedom-lover Ann Coulter, noting that the site would receive radioactive residue from around the world that might otherwise end up in a mushroom cloud over Cincinnati. Also piping in was Michelle Malkin, a hot import in her own right. “While Democrats seem to favor out-sourcing jobs, Jean Schmidt is working hard to bring high-wage, hazardous waste jobs to her district.” The proposed uranium heap would create “hundreds, maybe thousands of jobs” according to Schmidt, in an area with double-digit unemployment (thanks to Clinton having sex with an intern.) While these jobs would come without health benefits, most feel the point is moot as government scientific-esque studies have revealed that exposure to nuclear waste not only makes one healthier, it holds the possibility of producing super-powers!

As stay-the-course subscribers of Spurious George know, this was not the first time Schmidt proved her patriotic prowess. Her shining moment came when on the House floor she accurately described Rep. John Murtha (D-PA,) like John Kerry a Vietnam veteran of dubious distinction who voted for the war in Iraq before he voted against it, as something less than manly. “Cowards cut and run, Marines never do,” heroically charged the freshman Congresswoman at the 32-year House veteran in response to the allegedly-hawkish Pennsylvanian’s calls for a pull-out from Iraq just when the insurgency was in its final throes. Murtha, by all accounts a sensitive grudge-holder, has responded by raising money for the campaign of Schmidt’s anti-job creation, pro-job outsourcing opponent. On one campaign stop Murtha even stooped to making disparaging remarks about Schmidt’s physical attributes (which naturally were ignored by the mainstream media.) “These guys are sitting on their fat backsides and sending our young people into harm's way with 70-pound packs on their back and they're saying Iraq is an open-ended process, with no end in sight,” slandered the cowardly Congressman. “Our young men and women in the military deserve better (actual quote.)”

TWO PARTIES TOO MANY?

Unopposed “Elections” Kick Ass!

(Washington) Republican National Committee chairman Ken Mehlman has seen the future of elections, and it is good. Cheering a report which indicates that 30% of the nation’s legislative candidates are running unopposed in this election, Mehlman predicted that in coming years that figure could, and should, go higher. “Those who are disgusted by the Democrats’ negative and divisive campaign ads will undoubtedly demand the civility that is inherent in the single-candidate ballot,” proclaimed Mehlman, a long-time proponent of polite polling. “If we as Americans are to speak as one voice as the Constitution demands we do, there simply is no better way to accomplish this than to limit the voices on the ballot to one. To suggest otherwise means one does not support the troops. It’s that simple, people.”




Mehlman is hardly alone in his advocacy for a streamlined election process. Mainstream citizens such as incumbents from both parties, campaign strategists and liberty-loving lobbyists all believe that when it comes to election options, one is hardly the loneliest number. “An unopposed election means less time on the campaign trail and more time doing America’s business,” reasonably asserted Senator and President pro tempore Ted Stevens (R-AK.) “Business such as building bridges to nowhere, placing secret holds on votes intended to create transparency in government, and determining once and for all that the internet is just a series of tubes.”

While most are allowing the political market dictate the future of unopposed elections, more forward-thinking conservatives are more pro-active in bringing this sensible concept to fruition. Among these is Ken Blackwell of Ohio, the GOP’s nominee for governor. While not endorsing the plan directly, some of his more efficiency-minded minions have proposed that Ohio’s Secretary of State use his powers to remove his opponent from the ballot. While some might argue that the Democratic candidate’s double-digit lead in the polls is behind this movement, those kind of people just hate America.

WATER-BOARDING NEXT OLYMPIC EVENT?

Hip VP Cheney: “It’s Fun!”

(Salt Lake City) Surfboarding, skateboarding, snowboarding and wake-boarding, step aside! All the cool kids these days are kickin’ it patriot-style with the latest, greatest extreme sport to sweep the country since wire-tapping…water-boarding! While edgy enough for the most adrenaline-addicted adolescent, water-boarding is safe even for the myocardially-infarcted. “It’s a no-brainer for me (actual quote,)” rapped VP Dick Cheney when asked if he was a fan of the completely non-torturous sport. “If you’re not suffering through a forced and repetitive near-drowning experience while being held in a secret CIA prison, well dude, you’re barely alive!”

For the squares among Spurious George’s readership, water-boarding is described by those kill-joys at the Washington Post thusly: “The prisoner (thrill-seeker) is bound to an inclined board, feet raised and head slightly below the feet. Cellophane is wrapped over the prisoner's face and water is poured over him. Unavoidably, the gag reflex kicks in and a terrifying fear of drowning leads to almost instant pleas to bring the treatment to a halt. CIA officers who subjected themselves to the water boarding technique lasted an average of 14 seconds before caving in.” Proponents of the sport insist that this assessment only proves that the vast majority of CIA agents are pussies.

When considering the Olympic motto of “Faster, Higher, Torture,” it seems pre-ordained that water-boarding will soon be considered for inclusion in the next Summer Olympiad in Beijing, China…despite objections from the host nation that the less-extreme “Chinese water torture” be added instead. Washington water-boarding enthusiasts, however, were quick to point out the Chinese have a long, sordid history of human rights violations. “Chinese water torture? Heck, that even has ‘torture’ in the name,” observed President Bush before departing for Kennebunkport for a weekend of traditional, Bush-family water-boarding. “Those people are barbarians!”

Was this piece not America-loving enough for you? Why not grab your water board and head over to The Blue Republic, where Rex pours the sweet waters of freedom down hippie throats every Saturday?

THIS FRIDAY NIGHT, FREEDOM NAPS

Rex Attends to Domestic Issues

(Orlando) For the first time since his first son (and hippie-hating heir-apparent) was born last month, Spurious George’s danger-seeking demagogue, Rex Kramer, was tonight assigned the family values task of unilaterally caring for all three of his children while Mrs. Kramer ventures forth for a night of doily-darning with the PTA ladies. In addition to defending the homeland, Rex will also be preparing his regular Saturday sermon for the hippies at The Blue Republic while simultaneously watching split-screened and Tivo-ed past episodes of Family Ties for evidence of Michael J. Fox’s treachery…thus, he has little time to educate the masses here at Spurious George this evening.

Fear not, freedom-lovers, for Rex shall return tomorrow, rested and refreshed for the final dash to the mid-term elections…but sometime after the Florida-Georgia game (one must have priorities, after all!)

WHO IN HOLLYWOOD HATES AMERICA?

Spurious George Names Names!

(Sodom and Gomorrah, CA) As the most important election in American history (that doesn’t involve George Bush) approaches, we here at Spurious George feel compelled to identify for you, our red state readers, the ever-growing list of Hollywood elite who hate your freedom. The following is a list of the worst of the worst; satanic celebs who give ONLY to Democrats (and who, more than likely, funnel their box office take to al Queda cells):

Ben Affleck, Jessica Alba, Jason Alexander, Joan Allen, Krista Allen, Kristie Alley, Louis Anderson, Julie Andrews, Christina Applegate, Dan Akroyd, Lauren Bacall, Anne Bancroft, Drew Barrymore, Kim Basinger, Justine Bateman, Ned Beatty, Tom Berenger, Candice Bergen, Valerie Bertinelli, Robert Blake, Barry Bostwick, Peter Boyle, Lorraine Bracco, Zach Braff, Lloyd Bridges, Matthew Broderick, Adrien Brody, James Brolin, Albert Brooks, Mel Brooks, Pierce Brosnan, Carol Burnett, Nicholas Cage, Tia Carrere, David Caruso, Patricia Clarkson, George Clooney, Courtney Cox, Marcia Cross, John Crier…

…Beverly D’Angelo, Willem Dafoe, Timothy Dalton, Tim Daly, Susan Dey, Angie Dickinson, Fran Drescher, Patrick Duffy, Patty Duke, Nora Dunn, Eliza Dushku, Anthony Edwards, Edie Falco, Mia Farrow, Farrah Fawcett, Will Ferrell, Linda Fiorentino, Carrie Fisher, Joely Fisher, Brendan Fraser, Morgan Freeman, Andy Garcia, Jennifer Garner, Brad Garrett, Paul Giamatti, Marla Gibbs, Jeff Goldblum, Cuba Gooding Jr, John Goodman, Lou Gosset Jr, Heather Graham, Kathy Griffin, Andy Griffith, Charles Grodin, Jasmine Guy, Maggie Gyllenhaal…

…Mariska Hargitay, Valerie Harper, Josh Hartnett, Salma Hayek, Anne Heche, Marilu Henner, Cheryl Hines, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Kate Hudson, Felicity Huffman, Helen Hunt, Timothy Hutton, Kate Jackson, Samuel L Jackson, Alison Janney, James Earl Jones, Ashley Judd, Diane Keaton, Michael Keaton, Harvey Keitel, Nichole Kidman, Greg Kinnear, Diane Lane, John Larroquette, Matt LeBlanc, John Leguizano, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Lucy Liu, Christopher Lloyd, Jennifer Lopez, Rob Lowe, Kyle MaLachlan, Shirley Mac Laine, William H Macy, Virginia Madsen, Howie Mandel, Camryn Mannheim, Julianna Margulies, Tim Matheson, Jenny McCarthy, Dylan McDermott, Rose McGowan, Debra Messing, Julianne Moore, Viggo Mortensen, Mike Myers, Bebe Neuwirth, Chris Noth…

…Tatum O’Neal, Al Pacino, Anna Paquin, Mandy Patinkin, Amanda Peet, Sean Penn, Lou Diamond Phillips, Joaquin Phoenix, David Hyde Pierce, Natalie Portman, Bill Pullman, Dennis Quaid, Lynn Redgrave, John C Reilly, Christina Ricci, Eric Roberts, Chris Rock, Mimi Rogers, Mark Ruffalo, Rene Russo, Katey Sagal, Bob Saget, Horatio Sanz, Live Schrieber, Martin Sheen, Sam Sheperd, Talia Shire, Martin Short, Alicia Silverstone, Jada Pinkett Smith, Jimmy Smits, Suzanne Somers, David Soul, Kevin Spacey, David Spade, James Spader, Rod Steiger, French Stewart, Sharon Stone, Madeline Stowe, Elizabeth Taylor, Charlize Theron, Uma Thurman, Jennifer Tilly, Marissa Tomei, Mark Wahlberg, Sigourney Weaver, George Wendt, Forest Whittaker, Owen Wilson, Reese Witherspoon, and Renee Zellweger!

OBAMA INHALED!!!

Dark Horse Dem Digs Dope

(Chicago) When projecting possible presidential pretenders, political pundits predictably provide parallels between the last Democrat to besmirch the Oval Office and the latest liberal limelight-lover. Comparisons between Bill Clinton and Senator Barack Obama (D-IL) may be a bit premature (Obama, for example has yet to have extramarital sex with an intern,) but it has become clear as Vizine that they share at least one vice: drug addiction. In an interview following his recent revelation that he may seek the Democratic nomination in 2008, Illinois’ junior senator may have dashed those very same dreams when Obama admitted he not only advocates the legalization of the gateway drug marijuana, he uses it regularly! “I inhaled — that was the point,” confessed the pro-pot politician (actual quote.)

America’s foremost moralists quickly admonished the stem-separating statesman for his demonic dependency. “I would think a man with a name one letter removed from that of al Qaeda’s leader would be a little more America-loving,” tsk-tsked Secretary of Church and State Pat Robertson. “After the moral morass that was the Clinton years, I would think that his kind….by that I mean Democrats, of course…would want to present a more wholesome image if they’re serious about taking the White House.” Robertson, who is probably the least racist person you’ll ever meet, predicted that America isn’t ready for a President with a blatant disregard for law and order. “Our prisons are full of people who look just like Senator Obama; young, disrespectful and addicted to drugs. I ask you, would Barack Obama be any better of a President than Willie Horton?”

Incredibly but not unexpectedly, Obama’s confession was lauded by lefty leaf-lovers, such as House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA.) “When Senator Obama occupies the White House and our party takes both houses of Congress, we as a nation can finally fulfill our destiny…a destiny of compulsory gay marriage for all citizens, mandatory abortions of all unborn white children, and of course, government-subsidized and completely legal use of all drugs!”

MICHAEL J. FOX: BIG FAKER?

Rush Limbaugh Outs “Parkinson Poser”

(Hill Valley) If there’s anyone qualified to know when a public figure is off his meds, it’s America’s foremost friend of faith-based pharmaceuticals, Rush Limbaugh. Thus, his recent diagnosis that actor Michael J. Fox is not taking his prescribed placebo, or worse, faking his degenerative disease, was greeted as fact by all right-thinking Americans who tune in to his daily radio show. Dr. Limbaugh made his insightful diagnosis after watching Fox appear in a campaign ad for Democrat Senatorial candidate Claire McCaskill, in which the diminutive duper lauded McCaskill’s godless support for stem cell research while shaking like a Polaroid picture. “This is really shameless of Michael J. Fox,” opined Limbaugh, a man well-versed in shamlessness. “Either he didn't take his medication or he's acting, one of the two (actual quote.)”

Limbaugh’s dead-on diagnosis was lauded by titans of the medical world, including Dr. Senator Bill Frist (M.D, R-TN.) Frist, who many recall was the first physician ever to determine a vegetative patient’s chances for recovery merely by viewing a few minutes of edited video. “I believe Limbaugh’s excellent assessment will only bring more credibility to what I like to call “one-minute media medicine,” offered Frist, who will be retiring from the Senate this year to devote himself full-time to this emerging industry. Frist added that had his own study of this new field of medicine been more accepted in the past, 9/11 never would have happened. “Back in 1992 while suffering through Bill Clinton’s acceptance speech at the Democratic convention, I could tell that he was a sexual deviate. Had we been able to convey this to the American people, I have no doubt that Bush would have won the election, and that he would have not allowed, as Clinton did, for Osama and Saddam to attack us.”

Almost as if on cue, liberal Hollywood elitist rushed to “Faker Fox’s” defense. Leah Thompson, Fox’s co-star in the 1985 hit “Back to the Future,” and Justine Bateman, Fox’s vapid, whorish sister on “Family Ties” appeared on several Minneapolis public-access cable shows denouncing Limbaugh’s accusations. However, many feel their appearance was a desperate publicity ploy by two forgotten actresses, in what may be their last chance to avoid soft-core porn.

NY RACE GETS UGLIER

Hillary-Hater Heroically Hurls “Hag” Harangue

(Albany) In his patriotic campaign to unseat Hillary “Cut and Run” Clinton from her extra-wide Senate seat, GOP hopeful John Spencer has always had the issues on his side (a right-thinking combat veteran, he’s pro-war and anti-tax,) but has until now inexplicably lagged behind his overweight opponent. In a last-minute change in tactics, however, Spencer has found an issue that resonates with his future constituents: Hillary homeliness! Referring to the Senator’s pre-political pooch-face, Spencer asked a reporter, “You ever see a picture of her back then? Whew! (actual quote)” Spencer correctly surmised that Clinton’s miniscule improvement in appearance was due to “millions of dollars or work,” most likely at the taxpayers’ expense. “I don’t know why Bill married her (another actual quote,)” wondered Spencer. “All the prettier pigs in Arkansas must’ve been taken already!”

Patriotic political pundits applauded Spencer’s solid stance on the Senator’s scariness, and defended his comments as politically relevant. “I know they say politics is show business for ugly people, but there should be limits,” reasonably asserted talk show host and former male model Rush Limbaugh. “The pretty people of Poughkeepsie deserve a Senator more representative of them, and anyone who has seen John Spencer in a Speedo knows he’s the right man for the job.” Limbaugh quickly added that he is not gay.

As expected, patently unattractive Democrats attempted to metaphorically beat Spencer with the proverbial ugly stick. “Senator Clinton is the sexiest Senator since a young Ted Kennedy,” lisped Rep. Barney Frank (D-MA.) “Her short hair, chiseled features and firm handshake are off the fabulous scale!” Frank added that if he weren’t involved in a committed relationship, he’d let Clinton sweep him off his feet in a heartbeat.

ON THE 7TH DAY, REX RESTED

SG Keeps the Sabbath Holy, May Watch Football

(Orlando) As Spurious George approaches its first (and let’s be honest, probably last) anniversary of Educating the Hippies©, preparations must be made for a proper celebration of the milestone. Sundays, of course, are the perfect day for making preparations…but not necessarily for accomplishing anything of real substance. Today we’ll be tinkering around the office a bit; cleaning up some dead links, adding some new ones (suggest some that merit Rex’s attention in the comment section, and yes, you may whore your own,) and, of course, watching some football. Normally the entire SG staff would be in church all day, but the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are on a one-game winning streak, so we’re sure Jesus would understand.

That said, those visiting SG today and breathlessly praying for pearls of patriotic prose, much like those hoping for a Democratic landslide this November, will be deeply disappointed. Rest assured, however, that we’ll be back tomorrow (hangovers willing) with fresh, freedom-favoring goodness!

Note: SG’s anniversary is October 31st: I’m told that the traditional gift is a sizeable donation to your local Republican Congressperson’s election campaign!

AMERICA’S NIGHTMARE TICKET

Dems Ponder “Clinton-Clinton” In 2008!

(Little Rock) When most America-loving Republicans envision worst-case scenarios, they conjure up images of another terrorist attack, failure to stay the course in Iraq, or another pre-election scandal involving a Congressman and a House page. While those nightmarish cases may provide fodder for bad dreams this Halloween season, conservatives everywhere must have slept with the lights on when they learned that Bill Clinton could be America’s Vice President in 2008!

Although right-thinking jurists believe such an unthinkable event would violate the 12th Amendment, the 22nd Amendment, as well as the sensibilities of those who believe men should only have sex with their wives (even those named “Hillary,”) some ACLU card-carrying legal “experts” argue otherwise. Among these America-hating attorneys are Scott Grant and Bruce Peabody, authors of a 1999 article “The Twice and Future President” and possible al Qaeda operatives. “In preventing individuals from being elected to the presidency more than twice, the amendment does not preclude a former president from again assuming the presidency by means other than election, including succession from the vice presidency," they treasonously wrote. "If this view is correct, then Clinton is not 'constitutionally ineligible to the office of president,' and is not barred by the 12th Amendment from being elected vice president.” Critics of the democracy-desecrating duo counter that the pair is (naturally) liberally interpreting the Constitution, and openly wonder why these traitors have not been rendered to Yemen.

Although it seems that only Hillary Clinton would select her whorish husband for the VP’s post, and that her chances for election are roughly the same as the odds of her being an actual woman, Congressional Republicans are taking no chances. Spurious George has learned that on the eve of the mid-term election recess, House Majority Leader Dennis Hastert will be pushing for the quick passage of the “Save America’s Teens, A Nobly-Inspired Statute” bill, or “SATAN IS BILL,” that would preclude anyone accused of improper sexual contact with a page or intern from holding public office. “I suspect Democrats will attempt to block this necessary legislation, proving once again that theirs is the party of immorality and sexual perversity,” announced Hastert during a break in the House Ethics Committee’s hearings on the Mark Foley affair.

Does the thought of a Clinton-Clinton White House leave a bad taste in your mouth (and a stain on your dress?) Swing by The Blue Republic, where Rex Kramer provides the "Listerine of Liberty" every Saturday!

HOLLYWOOD HEARTS BUSH!

Theater Owners Reject British Bush-Bashing Biopic

(Spoiler Alert: This post contains references to the plot of "Death of a President.")

(Hollywood) Those who say that Americans never learn from the past (probably those uppity French) were proven wrong when the nation’s top movie houses refused yet another president to die in a theater. In a patriotic move rare in liberal Hollywood, Regal Entertainment Group and Cinemark USA courageously announced that Death of a President would not be seen on their combined 8,800 screens. The British propaganda pic, which opens in marijuana smoke-filled coffee houses October 27th, portrays the aftermath of a fictional President Bush’s assassination…exactly one year from today (October 19, 2007.) Public reaction to director/John Kerry supporter Gabriel Range’s terrorist-aiding-and-comforting flick has been universally negative, even from the other, less patriotic side of the aisle. “I think it's despicable... I think it's absolutely outrageous,” proclaimed Sen. Hillary Clinton, a Democrat who has in the past openly called for President Bush’s execution in the unlikely event her party reclaims the Senate. “That anyone would even attempt to profit on such a horrible scenario makes me sick. (Actual Quote.)”

According to the rejectionist reviewers who have viewed the film, President Dick Cheney enforces “Patriot Act 3” upon Bush’s death, and as a result Americans’ civil liberties are severely curtailed and/or eliminated. The Vice President, of course, rejected the treasonous and possibly libelous characterization, and insisted that were the unthinkable to happen, citizens would in fact enjoy more freedoms. “If, God forbid, I became President, things would change,” asserted Cheney between lip-lickings and excessive droolings. “Americans would finally be free to openly love their country, as I would outlaw the Democratic Party, rid the airwaves of all but Fox News and the Armed Forces Network, and reduce the size of the federal government to that of Halliburton headquarters!” So upset was the Vice President at the thought of a world without President Bush that he suffered a mild heart attack and acute priaprism (look it up,) and was rushed to Bethesda Medical Center humming “Hail to the Chief” through his oxygen mask.

In London, British Prime Minister Tony Blair was appropriately quick to declare that although the film was an English production, the United Kingdom stands firmly bent over and spreading wide in support of President Bush. “We stand ready to destroy all copies of this patently offensive film, punish those responsible for its production, and render to Yemen the al Qaeda operative who directed it,” fellated the retiring head of state. In return for the UK’s cooperation, Blair reasonably requested that Kevin Costner be put to death for his hideous English accent in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves.

McCAIN ON SUICIDE WATCH

Only Voters Can Save AZ Senator’s Life

(Phoenix) Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) has survived many near-death experiences, from “alternative interrogation methods” conducted by the North Vietnamese to his close call with political death by entertaining an offer to run as John Kerry’s vice presidential candidate in 2004. Nothing, however, has brought him as face-to-face with his Maker as the prospect of Democrats stealing the Senate in the upcoming mid-term-elections. “I think I’d just commit suicide,” threatened McCain (actual quote) after contemplating Ted Kennedy with a gavel in his non-drinking hand. “America with the Democrats in control is no country I would want to live in!”

While some wondered why a Jesus-loving Republican such as McCain would consider committing a mortal sin like suicide, those close to the Phoenix fire-breathing Senator believe his threat is anything by idle. “As a doctor, I have looked into John’s heart and firmly believe he will end his life rather than become Barrack Obama’s bitch,” diagnosed Sen. Bill Frist (R-TN.) “Unfortunately, there’s only so much modern medicine can do to help him. His only chance for survival, it now seems, is for the American people to provide the curative powers of staying the course with a Republican majority.”

With the blessing of the taxpayers who foot the bill, Vice President Cheney has shuttled across the country (locations undisclosed) in a humanitarian attempt to save McCain’s life by campaigning for Republican Congressional candidates. Cheney’s touching display of compassionate conservatism, of course, is nothing new to those who have closely followed his selfless vice presidential reign. “If I were a Catholic like John Kerry, and thank God I’m not, I’d nominate him for sainthood,” preached neutral observer Rush Limbaugh.

BUSH’S MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

USS George HW Bush (Eventually) Sets Sail For Ass-Kicking!

(Newport News, VA) Atoning for their egregious error in not re-electing him in 1992, Americans gladly paid $6 billion for the USS George HW Bush, the last of the Nimitz-class nuclear/nucular aircraft carriers. Bush’s name rightfully joins other American warrior-kings who have been so honored, including Washington, Lincoln, Roosevelt, Eisenhower and Truman. “I don’t see God damn Clinton’s names on one of these puppies,” demurely declared former First Lady Barbara Bush as she christened the ship by breaking a bottle of Halliburton champagne across her bow (the ship’s, not Babs’.)

While an unforeseen thunder storm interfered with an otherwise wildly successful celebration, luminaries from across the political spectrum gathered in Newport News to honor the man Saddam Hussein attempted to assassinate. Primary among these was President Bush, who some suggest will one day have an entire class of floating prison ships named after him. In his remarks, the President made uncanny comparisons between the Navy’s newest weapon of mass destruction and his own dedication to staying the course in Iraq. “She is unrelenting, she is unshakable, she is unyielding, she is unstoppable,” praised Bush the Younger as he scribbled “To Osama, Wherever You Are” onto an onboard cruise missile.

Of course, the USS Bush and the glorious struggle in Iraq have little in common. For example, the ship is only partially completed, has no hard timetable for departure, and with only 330 assigned sailors, is woefully understaffed. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, however, is unconcerned about the Bush’s fitness for duty. “You set sail with the $6 billion aircraft carrier you have, not with the $6 billion aircraft carrier you wish you had!”

BILL NELSON HATES JESUS

Katherine Harris’ Opponent Possibly the Anti-Christ

(Longboat Key, FL) While we know that in space no one can hear you scream, Congresswoman and Senate candidate Katherine Harris wonders if anyone can hear you hate Jesus in space. This reasonable inquiry was recently floated in her interview with a Christian news service, where former astronaut and current Senator Bill Nelson’s Christian qualifications were questioned. According to the completely-sane Harris, Nelson “claims to be a Christian,” but supports policies “completely contrary to what we say we believe.” While Harris made no specific accusations, it is reasonably believed she was referring to Nelson’s support for abortion, gay marriage and sex with unripe garden tomatoes.


Harris also accused Nelson of blasphemous attempts to rid this great nation of its Christian teachings, citing as proof his 1986 trip aboard the Space Shuttle Columbia. “He took a Bible into orbit,” revealed the comely conservative candidate. “Not only was this an unholy marriage of faith and science, it deprived the people of Florida the use of that Bible for the duration of the mission!” Harris further alleged that Democratic leaders have known about this holy hijacking for decades, yet shielded the anti-Christian astronaut from criminal prosecution.

Nelson is not without his supporters, however. Jim Towey, President Bush's former director of faith-based and community initiatives (despite being a Godless Democrat) testified that when he and Nelson held state-wide office the two started a lunchtime Bible study. “Bill Nelson is a man sincerely following the Lord and seeking him,” said Towey, now the dean of a Pennsylvania liberal bastion. Harris’ camp reacted by wondering aloud why Nelson had not yet found Jesus, and why Nelson refuses to engage in breakfast, dinner, and “fourth meal” Bible study sessions.


Did this all-American article not satisfy your need for a fix of Rex? Get more God-fearing goodness today at THE BLUE REPUBLIC!!!

LET’S PARTY LIKE IT’S 1945!

Congress Funds “Victory in Iraq” Blow-Out

(Washington) More than three years after the US mission in Iraq was accomplished, obstructionist Congressional Democrats have blocked every attempt to stage a well-deserved victory celebration befitting the heroes of that war. However, undeterred and superiorly patriotic, Republican Senate leaders have finally succeeded in earmarking $20 million for “commemoration of success in Iraq and Afghanistan” festivities. “Republicans are confident we will be victorious in the ongoing war in terror, and we look forward to a time when those funds can be used to honor the men and women who have risked and given their lives," asserted Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) through a spokesman (actual quote.) The aide added that the slated $20 million dollars should easily pay for the planned 100-foot statue of a flight suit-attired George Bush, as well as the nuclear-powered hover cars that will carry leading Republicans along the parade route.


Not surprisingly, leaders of the Wet Blanket Party are attempting to rain on the patriotic parade. “If the Bush administration is planning victory celebrations, Americans deserve to know what their plan is to get us to a victory in Iraq,” whined an assistant to Senate Minority Harry Reid (D-NV.) According to several sources, the party of Jane Fonda is planning a “failure in Iraq and Afghanistan” event in Nancy Pelosi’s backyard, where soldiers will be burned in effigy and the American flag will be spit upon by Hillary Clinton.

In addition to statues and hover cars, tentative plans for the celebration include special honors for those most responsible for our nation’s swift successes. Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney will, of course, be awarded with the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Also, Colin Powell will be presented with an honorary Oscar, for his pre-war performance before the UN. While the non-liberal taxpayer is more than happy to foot the bill for these small tokens of appreciation, event organizer Paul Wolfowitz declares that Iraqi-manufactured souvenirs will more than pay for extravaganza.

TOUCH DICK, GO TO JAIL

Sick-O Socks Cheney, Sues Secret Service

(Beaver Creek, CO) As anyone not named Mark Foley should know, it’s just plain wrong for a man to touch Dick…especially if that Dick happens to be the Vice President of the United States. Unfortunately, this was a lesson learned the hard way by crazed Colorado communist Steven Howards, who last year was arrested by Secret Service Agents for assaulting Cheney at a Beaver Creek mall. Howards, a non-profits consultant (aka “hippie”) had the audacity to make a “caustic comment” to the Vice President that had not been previously submitted to or approved by Karl Rove, while possibly simultaneously touching Cheney’s shoulder or elbow…something that even Mrs. Cheney is forbidden to do without the protective detail’s consent. Even worse, Howards committed this treason in the presence of his young son; fortunately, Spurious George has learned from child behavior experts that the younger Howards may still grow up to love America.



To his credit, Howards blamed neither alcohol nor molestation by a priest for his need to touch Dick. Still, it appears that more than a year after the incident, he remains in the “denial phase” of his recovery process. Referring to his lawful arrest, Howards in normal liberal fashion blamed his affliction on the guiltless Bill of Right. “It's such a blatant attempt to suppress a right to free speech,” shrieked Howards, no doubt prompted by the ACLU, who as everyone knows supports unimpeded Dick-touching.

Despite being released soon after his arrest by a famously-forgiving Cheney, Howards has lowered himself to the last resort of scoundrels…the lawsuit. Today, acting on the advice of his no-doubt Democrat-leaning attorney, Howards filed a federal suit in Denver against the heroic Secret Service agent who more than likely saved the Vice President’s life. According to the suit, the plaintiff is claiming that both his First and Fouth Amendment rights were violated…a shotgun blast to the face of the real victim of this incident. “I feel like I’m being victimized again,” reasonably asserted Cheney during a break at a Palm Beach (Florida) fund-raiser for Mark Foley’s heir-apparent, Joe Negron. “Believe me, if the Democrats take back Congress, the courts will be filled with Dick-touchers suing their victims!”

DOES FOX NEWS HATE AMERICA, TOO?

Uppity Anchor Berates Neo-Con Icon

(Washington) In an uncharacteristically unfair and unbalanced move, Fox News anchor Shepard Smith played Bill Clinton to Bill Kristol’s Chris Wallace when he verbally ambushed the conservative pundit on live television. Smith, who by all accounts once loved America, sounded hippie-esque when he characterized our nation’s victory in Iraq as a failure, and even unreasonably laid the blame for every soldier’s death from now until Election Day at the President’s feet. While calmer heads at Fox chalked Smith’s actions up to a Mark Foley-type lapse in judgment, others are questioning the network’s dedication to the War for Democracy©. “Fox’s tie-dyed slip is showing,” accused Washington Times editor Wesley Pruden. “Clearly, the time has come to pass the conservative red, white and blue banner off to a more reliable media outlet.”

In addition to Pruden’s fine paper, other patriotic public criers such as the Wall Street Journal, the 700 Club, Talon News and Spurious George all submitted applications to Tony Snow to become the new and more fair-and-balanced mouthpiece of the Bush presidency. While administration officials insist that Fox News has not been asked to resign its place of primacy, a gap-toothed source at the State Department revealed that “all options are on the table.”

As for Smith, a review of his journalistic judo revealed that the formerly freedom-friendly Fox friend took umbrage with Kristol’s assertion that the additional troops that will be sent to Iraq following the mid-term elections will once and for all bring the insurgency there to its last throes. “It's horrifying that you just said he can't do anything until after the election. We've got men and women over there who are dying every day and you just said that the man who you support can't do anything even though you believe he knows it's wrong,” Smith shrieked at Dan Quayle’s former chief of staff (actual quote.) To his credit, Kristol did not have Smith rendered to Yemen, even though he would have been well within his rights to do so under the articles of the heavily-redacted Patriot Act.

FOLEY: “IT’S ALL CLINTON’S FAULT!”

Clinton Climate of Creepiness Caused Congressman’s Crisis

(Washington) President Bush was elected to office in 2000 partly based upon his promise to restore honor and dignity to the nation’s capitol. However, it now seems that unlike the war in Iraq, that mission is far from accomplished, as the tendrils of immorality left over from the previous administration continue to linger over the city like smoke from a cheap, ill-used cigar. The most recent virtuous victim of this evil environment was Florida Republican Congressman Mark Foley, formerly a leading advocate of pedophile victims…until, of course, he fell prey to the “Clinton Curse!”

Foley was swept into Congress in 1994 in the heady days of the “Contract with America” movement that saw the Republicans finally break the decades-long, morally-indefensible grip the Democrats had on the House. Like others in his freshman class, he immediately and enthusiastically engrossed himself in issues the opposition had long ignored. “Congressman Foley was passionate about child pornography,” declared a fresh-faced former assistant to the former statesman, who asked to remain anonymous. “I mean, sometimes I’d find him in his office late into the night, doing nothing but research on the subject.” The former aide added that Foley was a firm yet giving boss, who assumed a paternalistic role with his young male charges. “He insisted we call him ‘Daddy,’ and jokingly threatened to spank us all the time.”

Unfortunately, family values such as these were no match for the shroud of scandal that engulfed Washington like a stained blue dress. It is suspected that as a raw and impressionable Congressman, Foley was profoundly and negatively affected by the revelation of Clinton’s sins during the House impeachment hearings…so much so that his own moral compass was de-calibrated. “It’s all Clinton’s fault,” asserted a recorded message that greets callers to Foley’s former 16th District office. Although this is the standard greeting for all Republican Congressmen, Spurious George has learned that Foley rightfully blames the former Cigar Aficionado-in-Chief for his fall from grace.

While Foley himself could not be reached for comment, the naked young boy who answered the door at his Thailand vacation home spoke volumes with his broken English. “All Daddy ever talk about is Bill Clinton and boys. Bill Clinton make Daddy mad. Boys make him happy. Bill Clinton bad man!”