BIG DICK ELECTION EXCLUSIVE

Rex Spends Quality Time with Cheney

Note: Our very own Rex Kramer spent Election Night with Vice President Dick Cheney at a South Dakota hunting lodge patriotically donated by Indian tribe clients of Jack Abramoff, where after a day of killing animals they planned to relax by watching Republicans kill Democrats (metaphorically…for now) in the voting booth. The following is a chronological record of this historic convergence of conservative craniums.

1900 (EST): Rex: “The polls have just closed in Florida, Mr. Vice President, and already the liberal media is claiming Bill Nelson has trounced Katherine Harris in a landslide. If this isn’t proof of the fallibility of exit polling, I don’t know what is.”

Dick: (Gnawing on a bald eagle thigh) “Normally, Rex, I’d agree with you, but we cut Kat-Kat loose months ago. Sure, she served her purpose back in 2000, but you can only use a condom once, my friend. Too bad…she had a nice rack.”

1950: Rex: “Fox News is reporting that Lieberman will keep his job. Is this good news or bad news, sir?”

Dick: “It’s great news, Rex. That little Jew’s our ace in the hole in the extremely unlikely event the liberals take the Senate. Sure, he calls himself a Democrat, but let me assure you that party loyalty only goes so far when you have pictures of him engaged in unspeakable acts with Al Gore. Hehehe, I love Photo Shop!©”

2035: (Reacting to projections that Rick Santorum will lose his seat) Dick: “God damn it! I told Rove we needed Pennsylvania! He told me we had all the Diebolds we needed in place. Remind me to skull-fuck that little turd-blossom in the morning!”

Rex: Sir, you’re frothing.

2105: Rex: “We lost Rhode Island? I’m dumbfounded! I mean, who knew Rhode Island was even a state!”

Dick: “Don’t get your wingtips in a bunch, Rex. Lincoln Chafee was a liberal tool, anyway. I’ve long suspected that he was just a cancerous growth ejected from Ted Kennedy’s liver. Chances are the Democrat that won will be more conservative than him, so score one for the good guys! We’ll be fine as long as Missouri, Montana or Virginia goes our way.”

2145: Rex: “Things aren’t looking so good in Missouri, sir. Is it too late to give John Ashcroft a recess appointment to the Senate?”

Dick: “I thought about that, Rex…I even had a provision for it drawn up in Patriot Act III, but that damn do-nothing Congress wouldn’t even consider it.”

2250: Dick: “Well, it seems we lost the House. No biggie…I’ll just have Alberto write up some legal mumbo-jumbo that makes presidential orders supercede anything those lower house pansies cook up...including impeachment!

Rex: Sir, you don’t look well…should I summon the medical team?

2340: Rex: “Um, sir? CNN says that South Dakota have rejected a ban on all abortions? Do they hate Jesus?”

Dick: “Fuck Jesus! We needed that law to go to the Supremes! Christ, Scalia had his majority opinion already written…it was fucking beautiful! I soooo want to kill something right now! I mean, don’t South Dakotans appreciate the sanctity of life!”

2359: Rex: “Mr. Vice President, are we going to lose the Senate, too? Please say it ain’t so!”

Dick: (Sigh) “Well, I never thought this day would come, but I’ve made contingency plans. Quick, it’s almost midnight…get me to my crypt before the villagers show up with the pitchforks!”