Saturday, October 07, 2006

BILL NELSON HATES JESUS

Katherine Harris’ Opponent Possibly the Anti-Christ

(Longboat Key, FL) While we know that in space no one can hear you scream, Congresswoman and Senate candidate Katherine Harris wonders if anyone can hear you hate Jesus in space. This reasonable inquiry was recently floated in her interview with a Christian news service, where former astronaut and current
Senator Bill Nelson’s Christian qualifications were questioned. According to the completely-sane Harris, Nelson “claims to be a Christian,” but supports policies “completely contrary to what we say we believe.” While Harris made no specific accusations, it is reasonably believed she was referring to Nelson’s support for abortion, gay marriage and sex with unripe garden tomatoes.


Harris also accused Nelson of blasphemous attempts to rid this great nation of its Christian teachings, citing as proof his 1986 trip aboard the Space Shuttle Columbia. “He took a Bible into orbit,” revealed the comely conservative candidate. “Not only was this an unholy marriage of faith and science, it deprived the people of Florida the use of that Bible for the duration of the mission!” Harris further alleged that Democratic leaders have known about this holy hijacking for decades, yet shielded the anti-Christian astronaut from criminal prosecution.

Nelson is not without his supporters, however. Jim Towey, President Bush's former director of faith-based and community initiatives (despite being a Godless Democrat) testified that when he and Nelson held state-wide office the two started a lunchtime Bible study. “Bill Nelson is a man sincerely following the Lord and seeking him,” said Towey, now the dean of a Pennsylvania liberal bastion. Harris’ camp reacted by wondering aloud why Nelson had not yet found Jesus, and why Nelson refuses to engage in breakfast, dinner, and “fourth meal” Bible study sessions.


Did this all-American article not satisfy your need for a fix of Rex? Get more God-fearing goodness today at THE BLUE REPUBLIC!!!

8 Comments:

At 8:27 AM, Blogger pissed off patricia said...

Is Mr Nelson searching for Jesus in the mountains of Pakistan? Sceesh, can't find anybody these days.

Leave it to Katie, could be the name of a sitcom show. Each week we see how she can find a new way to insert her foot into her mouth.

Anyone got a picture of Katie holding a bible? We sure have seen her holding other things. Recall the opossum tail holding photo.

 
At 11:25 AM, Blogger Dude said...

On a scale of 1 to 10 (where 10 is totally creepy) I find IMing boys to be a 10! But “lunchtime Bible study” is at least an 8 ½.

 
At 3:24 PM, Anonymous Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

POP: If you were a true Christian, you'd know that photographs of the Bible are forbidden by Harris' sect. Also forbidden are anti-psychotic meds, but that's a tale for another day.

Dude: I agree, as I'm a big believer in Happy Hour Bible studies. Every day I watch my bartender turn water into whiskey and water, and I give proper thanks to Jesus.

 
At 4:37 PM, Blogger AJ said...

Personally, I am waiting in much anticipation for the Focus on the Family report on whom we should support in November.
Word has it that James is kinda tight with Karl.

Wasn't that a bite that BBN droped them for that silly little incident?

 
At 7:32 PM, Blogger pissed off patricia said...

Is it too late to name the new danger seeker, Tebow? I hope not.

 
At 9:54 PM, Anonymous Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

AJ: Dobby is tight with Karl, but tighter with Jeebus.

POP: Tebow is a God (of course, 9 out of 10 of SG readers don't get that, but that's because they're yankee liberals.)

 
At 4:22 AM, Anonymous gordo said...

Rex--

The Nelson scandal is worse than you think. The "Bible" he took with him was, according to rumor, a Papist version.

And now that we've established that the man isn't a Christian, it's time we invoked Article VI of the Constitution:

"A religious test shall be required as a qualification to any office or public trust under the United States."

 
At 5:32 PM, Anonymous Adorable Girlfriend said...

I agree with Katherine -- how dare that bugger have issues with the tomato. Damn him and Ketchup Jesus!

 

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