THE YEAR OF LIVING SPURIOUSLY
SG Turns One Year Old, But Acts At Least Three
Tonight while the illegitimate children of satan-worshipping single welfare mothers are roaming your neighborhood like a pack of Somali thugs, whoring themselves door-to-door for wrapped baubles of confectionary or crack cocaine, the Spurious George staff will gather at Rex Kramer’s estate for their weekly prayer dinner and Trivial Pursuit (Reagan Edition) tournament. While most of the evening’s conversation will no doubt be consumed with praises for the Lord and prayers for Mark Foley’s soul, we may allow ourselves the forgivable sin of pride when he toast today’s first anniversary of Spurious George with a glass of domestic, non-alcoholic champagne.
Just one year ago today I started SG with nothing more than an outdated computer and a dream…a dream to educate the hippie horde about the sweet, sweet lightness of being inherent in unquestioned America-loving. While the dream remains the same, so much else, unlike the average hippie’s underwear, has changed. Thanks to our tax-exempt status as a recognized religion, we’ve been able to move up from our original, humbles offices (aka “mom’s spare room”) to the stately Kramerica Kompound, a palatial estate befitting an organization as universally-applauded as ours, and which often times serves as one of Dick Cheney’s “undisclosed locations” whenever the terrorist threat level rises above yellow. Also, we have embossed stationary now…and are thinking about getting team jackets.
I will admit that when we started this kooky thing we promised this would be a one-year-only endeavor, after which the entire staff would enlist in the Marine Corps with the understanding that we’d all be sent to Iraq until the war was won once and for all. That said, it has become clear to us that, much like the Republicans who swore in 1994 that they would serve a maximum of twelve years in Congress, we serve our nation much more efficiently in our current positions. We of course support our troops, and look forward to joining them on the front lines of freedom this time next year. Maybe. We have this trick knee, you see.
In any event, it has been a pleasure providing RexHead Nation© with near-daily doses of patriotic prose for the past 365.25 days. Now, go get a haircut!