SPURIOUS GEORGE ENDORSEMENTS
Vote For These People, Or You Hate America!
Despite being relatively new on the political pundit circle, it is now widely held that any candidate fortunate enough to receive Spurious George’s endorsement should just go ahead and have his or her new office measured for new curtains. With that in mind, SG today provide you, the ill-informed lemming, with the slate of Senatorial candidates you should support…if, that is, you love your country!
Arizona: In 2006, Time magazine named Jon Kyl (R) one of its “Ten Best Senators”…the same magazine that in 2004 named President Bush “Man of the Year!” With credentials such as that, how could SG not support Kyl in his re-election bid?
California: There are many reasons to oppose the incumbent, Dianne Feinstein (D), not the least of which is she was once the mayor of America-hating San Francisco. Thus, we are compelled to stand behind her challenger, Richard Mountjoy (R)…and besides, isn’t “Mountjoy” just a name you’d love to hear Arnold Schwarzenegger say for the next six years?
Connecticut: We’re breaking from our “Republicans-only” endorsements and lending our gravitas to the candidacy of Joe Lieberman (Connecticut for Lieberman Party nominee…who saw that one coming?) Although we have had our differences with him in the past, Lieberman has proven that he’s always willing to “stay the course” even when all evidence indicates another tactic.
Delaware: Republican Jan Ting is a veteran of WWII’s Battle of the Bulge, while his opponent, incumbent Democrat Thomas Carper, has only added to the bulge of the federal deficit. Also, Carper has refused to move to Washington despite a 16 year career as a legislator…what, is our nation’s capital not good enough for him? Jan Ting fought for our nation’s capital, and he’ll fight for you as a US Senator! Go Kat-Kat!
Florida: What can you say about Katherine Harris (R) that hasn’t already been said? The word on the (K) street is she’s now writing a book about all the people who have wronged her…but one wonders how she’ll find the time for her literary endeavors once she becomes Florida’s next great Senator!
Hawaii: The same publication that tabbed Sen. Kyle as one of the Senate’s best named Hawaii’s incumbent, Daniel Akaka, one of its five worst…which makes us as mad as Jack Lord thumping a bad guy that he’s currently leading Republican Cynthia Thielen by a wide margin. In our opinion, Akaka is a macacca.
Massachusetts: We here at SG would endorse an inanimate carbon rod over Ted Kennedy (D.) We don’t even know the GOP nominee’s name, but whoever it is, vote for him or her. Mary Jo Kopechne and every other young woman he’s killed demands it!
Maine: Contrary to how it may sound, “Olympia Snowe” is not a porno star, but rather Maine’s shining star Senator, and a dark horse candidate for the 2008 White House nomination. Her future seems bright…unlike that of her opponent, Jean Hay Bright (D.)
Michigan: Incumbent Debbie Stabenow (D) is the Democrats’ third-ranking member of the Senate, which is not unlike being the third-string point guard for the Washington Generals (ask your husband.) To date, her greatest accomplishment seems to be acting as a stand-in for Ronald McDonald at restaurant openings. We endorse her opponent Mike Brouchard because, quite frankly, there are more than enough ugly women in DC.
Minnesota: For this open seat we here at SG are doing the unthinkable and endorsing a Kennedy…Mark Kennedy (R.) Unlike others in the Kennedy clan, Mark has voted with the President 98% of the time, which means he’ll be a loyal, yet slightly-independent voice for his constituents!
Missouri: Most polls have the race for this seat as a dead-heat, which to SG is inconceivable given Sen. James Talent’s strong record of both America AND Jesus-loving! Anti gay marriage, stem cell research, flag-burning and abortion, Talent is “right” on all of the important issues, and deserves re-election.
Montana: In another tight race, Sen. Conrad Burns and his 39% approval rating (lowest in the Senate) is up against…get this…organic farmer Jon Tester! Folks, the day the salt-of-the-earth people of Montana elect a hippie is the same day that a Republican Congressman is outed as a pedophilic homosexual. Ain’t gonna happen!
Nebraska: Question our patriotism (if you dare,) but we like incumbent Democrat Ben Nelson. As a filibuster-opposing, pro-life, gun-owning legislator, Nelson ranks “more conservative” than five sitting Republican Senators! While we’re certain his opponent Pete Ricketts (R) would be equally-loving, Nelson, like Joe Lieberman, is the kind of liberal with whom we can work.
New Jersey: Control of the Senate, much like control of the nation’s unions, may rest with New Jersey. With that in mind, we have no choice but to endorse Thomas Kean, Jr, despite his father’s 9/11 Commission treasonous accusations that the attack could have been prevented.
New Mexico: Sitting Senator Jeff Bingaman (D) was first elected in 1982, and that’s about the most noteworthy thing we can say about him. We here at SG have a burning sensation for Republican urologist Allen McCulloch, and believe you should too!
Nevada: A solid conservative such as incumbent John Ensign (R) would have secured our blessing irregardless of his opponent, but he was doubly-blessed when Jack Carter (son of Jimmy “Lust in My Heart” Carter) secured the Democrats’ nomination.
New York: Hillary Clinton is seeking re-election. Unless Osama is running against her, well, we’re sure you know who we won’t be voting for.
Ohio: In what may be the nastiest Senate campaign, why not stay the course with the party of “uniting, not dividing?” Mike DeVine’s (R) photo-shopped 9/11 adds have been particularly inspiring, and more than make up for the fact that he’s missed 50% of the meetings of the Senate Intelligence Committee that’s tasked with overseeing our nation’s safety from terrorists.
Pennsylvania: Folks, if you don’t love Rick Santorum (R), you hate Jesus…and will be rightfully smited!
Rhode Island: Lincoln Chafee (R) is regularly identified as the Senate’s most-liberal Republican….which means he’s still infinitely more America-loving than the most conservative Democrat (an oxymoron if ever there was one.)
Ok, this is even boring me…let’s cut to the chase:
Tennessee: Bob Corker (R)
Texas: Kay Bailey Hutchison (R)
Utah: Orrin Hatch (R)
Virginia: George Allen (R)
Vermont: Richard Tarrant (R)…he’s running against a socialist, for God sake!
Washington: Mike McGavick (R)
Wisconsin: Robert Lorge (R)
West Virginia: John Raese (R)
Wyoming: Craig Thomas (R)