VERMONT HATES AMERICA

State to Send Socialist to Senate

(Montpelier, VT) America’s second least-populated state has foisted more than its fair share of America-haters upon the nation, from Howard Dean to Ben & Jerry to the band Phish, but until now at least had the good sense to at least pretend to support democracy. Now, however, it appears that Vermont’s thinly-veiled America-hating has been exposed to the world, as the proletariat there are on the verge of electing America’s first Socialist US Senator. Bernie Sanders, Vermont’s lone Congressman for the past 16 years, wants to bring his Stalinistic stylings to the Senate, and it appears the voters love their local Lenin. The most recent polls show Sanders with a 26-point lead over the vastly more patriotic Republican opponent in their race for an unoccupied seat, a finding that startles most pundits. “Bernie really is a subject for political anthropology,” observed University of Vermont professor Garrison Nelson. “He has no political party. He has never been called charming. He has no money, and none of the resources we normally associate with success (actual quote.)”

News of the commie Congressman’s coming putsch was met with understandable alarm by President Bush, who as a young fighter pilot defended Alabama from the Vietnamese communist horde. “I didn’t defend the skies over Birmingham from Charlie just so a pink-o commie could sit in the Senate,” a patriotically-perturbed President pontificated. “While I believe in the rights of Vermontites, er, Vermonters, um, Vermontonians to elect whomever they choose, as we’re finding out in Iraq, there’s sometimes too much freedom. God bless America.”

Others in Washington weren’t quite as magnanimous as the President. Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN,) for example, announced that he’ll be sponsoring a bill that would forcibly remove Vermont from the Union. “As a doctor and a Senator, I know that 49 white stars on a field of blue are much more symmetrical…that’s a medical term, by the way…than 49 white stars and 1 red one.” When informed that there existed a possibility that the Democrats could take a majority in the Senate and thus block any attempt to oust Vermont and its’ two leftist Senators, Frist chuckled like a man who knows something the rest of America doesn’t. Patting a Diebold voting machine, Frist assured, “In my medical opinion, I don’t think we have to worry about that.”

Unless you’re some kind of commie, you’ll head over to The Blue Republic today, where Rex asks, “Why do Democrats hate gay people?”