Wednesday, October 18, 2006

McCAIN ON SUICIDE WATCH

Only Voters Can Save AZ Senator’s Life

(Phoenix) Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) has survived many near-death experiences, from “alternative interrogation methods” conducted by the North Vietnamese to his close call with political death by entertaining an offer to run as John Kerry’s vice presidential candidate in 2004. Nothing, however, has brought him as face-to-face with his Maker as the prospect of Democrats stealing the Senate in the upcoming mid-term-elections.
“I think I’d just commit suicide,” threatened McCain (actual quote) after contemplating Ted Kennedy with a gavel in his non-drinking hand. “America with the Democrats in control is no country I would want to live in!”


While some wondered why a Jesus-loving Republican such as McCain would consider committing a mortal sin like suicide, those close to the Phoenix fire-breathing Senator believe his threat is anything by idle. “As a doctor, I have looked into John’s heart and firmly believe he will end his life rather than become Barrack Obama’s bitch,” diagnosed Sen. Bill Frist (R-TN.) “Unfortunately, there’s only so much modern medicine can do to help him. His only chance for survival, it now seems, is for the American people to provide the curative powers of staying the course with a Republican majority.”

With the blessing of the taxpayers who foot the bill, Vice President Cheney has shuttled across the country (locations undisclosed) in a humanitarian attempt to save McCain’s life by campaigning for Republican Congressional candidates. Cheney’s touching display of compassionate conservatism, of course, is nothing new to those who have closely followed his selfless vice presidential reign. “If I were a Catholic like John Kerry, and thank God I’m not, I’d nominate him for sainthood,” preached neutral observer Rush Limbaugh.

7 Comments:

At 8:57 AM, Blogger Kvatch said...

I have looked into John’s heart and firmly believe he will end his life rather than become Barrack Obama’s bitch,” diagnosed Sen. Bill Frist (R-TN.)

Well...if Bill--I'm not a Senator, but I play one on TV--Frist says it, then it must be true! How'd he do that, BTW? "Here John, just sit still while I shove this catheter into your artery!"

 
At 9:08 AM, Anonymous Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Kvatch: Dr. Frist diagnosed McCain the old-fashioned way...by observing him on video!

 
At 9:13 AM, Blogger pissed off patricia said...

Whew, for a minute there I thought McCain was kidding and I was bummed out in a hippie sort of way.

Wonder if he keeps his promises?

 
At 10:17 AM, Anonymous Sky-Ho said...

MrCains promise to die, if the GOP doesn't get enough votes?

Haven't I heard that before......

that's right, Oral Roberts.

 
At 11:46 AM, Blogger AJ said...

Obama's' bitch? Barrack is downright bland
compared to the particular requirements of Hillary's standards.

And I hear she's taking applications.

 
At 8:20 PM, Blogger DivaJood said...

Oh, he's just blowing smoke out one of his blow-holes. He doesn't believe the Dems will win, so he doesn't think anyone will call his bluff. Bummer.

 
At 11:09 PM, Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

POP: Oh, he keeps his promises! Vote GOP of McCain gets it!!!

Sky-Ho: I'm sorry...did you just take Orel's name in vain?!? You are soooooo smited!!!

AJ: Somehow, I don't think you're Hillary's type...if you known what I mean (pssssst...she's a lesbian.)

Diva: Are you calling a vet a liar on the eve of an election?!? That's something even a Karl-Rove contrived band of former comrades-in-arms would never do!

 

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