McCAIN ON SUICIDE WATCH

Only Voters Can Save AZ Senator’s Life

(Phoenix) Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) has survived many near-death experiences, from “alternative interrogation methods” conducted by the North Vietnamese to his close call with political death by entertaining an offer to run as John Kerry’s vice presidential candidate in 2004. Nothing, however, has brought him as face-to-face with his Maker as the prospect of Democrats stealing the Senate in the upcoming mid-term-elections. “I think I’d just commit suicide,” threatened McCain (actual quote) after contemplating Ted Kennedy with a gavel in his non-drinking hand. “America with the Democrats in control is no country I would want to live in!”

While some wondered why a Jesus-loving Republican such as McCain would consider committing a mortal sin like suicide, those close to the Phoenix fire-breathing Senator believe his threat is anything by idle. “As a doctor, I have looked into John’s heart and firmly believe he will end his life rather than become Barrack Obama’s bitch,” diagnosed Sen. Bill Frist (R-TN.) “Unfortunately, there’s only so much modern medicine can do to help him. His only chance for survival, it now seems, is for the American people to provide the curative powers of staying the course with a Republican majority.”

With the blessing of the taxpayers who foot the bill, Vice President Cheney has shuttled across the country (locations undisclosed) in a humanitarian attempt to save McCain’s life by campaigning for Republican Congressional candidates. Cheney’s touching display of compassionate conservatism, of course, is nothing new to those who have closely followed his selfless vice presidential reign. “If I were a Catholic like John Kerry, and thank God I’m not, I’d nominate him for sainthood,” preached neutral observer Rush Limbaugh.