KISSINGER CUTS AND RUNS

Former Advisor’s Patriotism Questioned, Green Card Revoked

(London) If anyone knows when a war is beyond winning, it’s former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger. Still, Kissinger’s recent defeatist statements to the BBC regarding Iraq came as a shock to most patriotic Americans, given that he himself advised President Bush on the war since before the first shocking and awesome volley of missiles into Baghdad. “If you mean by 'military victory' an Iraqi government that can be established and whose writ runs across the whole country, that gets the civil war under control and sectarian violence under control in a time period that the political processes of the democracies will support, I don't believe that is possible,*” droned Kissinger is a treasonous tone not unlike John Kerry’s…with the exception of the scary German accent, of course.



Kissinger’s liberal-like outlook on the war may affect the tone of the soon-to-be-released Iraq Study Group’s report, as the Austrian out-of-the-mainstreamer’s views had been sought by study group guru James Baker. At least one administration insider (who requested anonymity) expressed concern that the tidal wave of criticism from former allies was threatening the levees of liberty. “God damn it, if Baker’s against the war, I swear I’ll grab my shotgun and shoot the first lawyer I see in the face,” reasonably ranted the reactionary Republican (who identified himself only as “#2…with a bullet.”) Others in the President’s circle, dismissed Kissinger’s assessment out of hand. “Let’s be honest,” smirked White House spokes-model Tony Snow, “when it comes to matters of war, Henry Kissinger has never been right about anything. Ever.”

As expected, war-mongering liberals jumped on Kissinger’s dissent and offered up their own imperialistic plan for victory. Congressman Charles Rangel (D-NY,) the pre-ordained chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee and a man whose thirst for blood knows no end, has proposed a military draft as a means to augment the all-volunteer force. Closet liberal John McCain (R-AZ,) while opposing any draft efforts, erroneously believes that more troops will seal the deal in Iraq. Both troop-haters, however, were put in their unpatriotic place by the nation’s “new Kissinger,” former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. “The path to victory was clearly laid out in the ‘Rumsfeld Doctrine,” he opined from his new Heritage Foundation office. “Less troops, less body armor, more shock and more awe…these are the tools needed to bring down the yellow menace, er, I mean the insurgency!”

* - Actual Quote