HOLLYWOOD HEARTS BUSH!

Theater Owners Reject British Bush-Bashing Biopic

(Spoiler Alert: This post contains references to the plot of "Death of a President.")

(Hollywood) Those who say that Americans never learn from the past (probably those uppity French) were proven wrong when the nation’s top movie houses refused yet another president to die in a theater. In a patriotic move rare in liberal Hollywood, Regal Entertainment Group and Cinemark USA courageously announced that Death of a President would not be seen on their combined 8,800 screens. The British propaganda pic, which opens in marijuana smoke-filled coffee houses October 27th, portrays the aftermath of a fictional President Bush’s assassination…exactly one year from today (October 19, 2007.) Public reaction to director/John Kerry supporter Gabriel Range’s terrorist-aiding-and-comforting flick has been universally negative, even from the other, less patriotic side of the aisle. “I think it's despicable... I think it's absolutely outrageous,” proclaimed Sen. Hillary Clinton, a Democrat who has in the past openly called for President Bush’s execution in the unlikely event her party reclaims the Senate. “That anyone would even attempt to profit on such a horrible scenario makes me sick. (Actual Quote.)”

According to the rejectionist reviewers who have viewed the film, President Dick Cheney enforces “Patriot Act 3” upon Bush’s death, and as a result Americans’ civil liberties are severely curtailed and/or eliminated. The Vice President, of course, rejected the treasonous and possibly libelous characterization, and insisted that were the unthinkable to happen, citizens would in fact enjoy more freedoms. “If, God forbid, I became President, things would change,” asserted Cheney between lip-lickings and excessive droolings. “Americans would finally be free to openly love their country, as I would outlaw the Democratic Party, rid the airwaves of all but Fox News and the Armed Forces Network, and reduce the size of the federal government to that of Halliburton headquarters!” So upset was the Vice President at the thought of a world without President Bush that he suffered a mild heart attack and acute priaprism (look it up,) and was rushed to Bethesda Medical Center humming “Hail to the Chief” through his oxygen mask.

In London, British Prime Minister Tony Blair was appropriately quick to declare that although the film was an English production, the United Kingdom stands firmly bent over and spreading wide in support of President Bush. “We stand ready to destroy all copies of this patently offensive film, punish those responsible for its production, and render to Yemen the al Qaeda operative who directed it,” fellated the retiring head of state. In return for the UK’s cooperation, Blair reasonably requested that Kevin Costner be put to death for his hideous English accent in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves.