FOLEY: “IT’S ALL CLINTON’S FAULT!”

Clinton Climate of Creepiness Caused Congressman’s Crisis

(Washington) President Bush was elected to office in 2000 partly based upon his promise to restore honor and dignity to the nation’s capitol. However, it now seems that unlike the war in Iraq, that mission is far from accomplished, as the tendrils of immorality left over from the previous administration continue to linger over the city like smoke from a cheap, ill-used cigar. The most recent virtuous victim of this evil environment was Florida Republican Congressman Mark Foley, formerly a leading advocate of pedophile victims…until, of course, he fell prey to the “Clinton Curse!”

Foley was swept into Congress in 1994 in the heady days of the “Contract with America” movement that saw the Republicans finally break the decades-long, morally-indefensible grip the Democrats had on the House. Like others in his freshman class, he immediately and enthusiastically engrossed himself in issues the opposition had long ignored. “Congressman Foley was passionate about child pornography,” declared a fresh-faced former assistant to the former statesman, who asked to remain anonymous. “I mean, sometimes I’d find him in his office late into the night, doing nothing but research on the subject.” The former aide added that Foley was a firm yet giving boss, who assumed a paternalistic role with his young male charges. “He insisted we call him ‘Daddy,’ and jokingly threatened to spank us all the time.”

Unfortunately, family values such as these were no match for the shroud of scandal that engulfed Washington like a stained blue dress. It is suspected that as a raw and impressionable Congressman, Foley was profoundly and negatively affected by the revelation of Clinton’s sins during the House impeachment hearings…so much so that his own moral compass was de-calibrated. “It’s all Clinton’s fault,” asserted a recorded message that greets callers to Foley’s former 16th District office. Although this is the standard greeting for all Republican Congressmen, Spurious George has learned that Foley rightfully blames the former Cigar Aficionado-in-Chief for his fall from grace.

While Foley himself could not be reached for comment, the naked young boy who answered the door at his Thailand vacation home spoke volumes with his broken English. “All Daddy ever talk about is Bill Clinton and boys. Bill Clinton make Daddy mad. Boys make him happy. Bill Clinton bad man!”