BUSH’S MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

USS George HW Bush (Eventually) Sets Sail For Ass-Kicking!

(Newport News, VA) Atoning for their egregious error in not re-electing him in 1992, Americans gladly paid $6 billion for the USS George HW Bush, the last of the Nimitz-class nuclear/nucular aircraft carriers. Bush’s name rightfully joins other American warrior-kings who have been so honored, including Washington, Lincoln, Roosevelt, Eisenhower and Truman. “I don’t see God damn Clinton’s names on one of these puppies,” demurely declared former First Lady Barbara Bush as she christened the ship by breaking a bottle of Halliburton champagne across her bow (the ship’s, not Babs’.)

While an unforeseen thunder storm interfered with an otherwise wildly successful celebration, luminaries from across the political spectrum gathered in Newport News to honor the man Saddam Hussein attempted to assassinate. Primary among these was President Bush, who some suggest will one day have an entire class of floating prison ships named after him. In his remarks, the President made uncanny comparisons between the Navy’s newest weapon of mass destruction and his own dedication to staying the course in Iraq. “She is unrelenting, she is unshakable, she is unyielding, she is unstoppable,” praised Bush the Younger as he scribbled “To Osama, Wherever You Are” onto an onboard cruise missile.

Of course, the USS Bush and the glorious struggle in Iraq have little in common. For example, the ship is only partially completed, has no hard timetable for departure, and with only 330 assigned sailors, is woefully understaffed. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, however, is unconcerned about the Bush’s fitness for duty. “You set sail with the $6 billion aircraft carrier you have, not with the $6 billion aircraft carrier you wish you had!”