WATER-BOARDING NEXT OLYMPIC EVENT?

Hip VP Cheney: “It’s Fun!”

(Salt Lake City) Surfboarding, skateboarding, snowboarding and wake-boarding, step aside! All the cool kids these days are kickin’ it patriot-style with the latest, greatest extreme sport to sweep the country since wire-tapping…water-boarding! While edgy enough for the most adrenaline-addicted adolescent, water-boarding is safe even for the myocardially-infarcted. “It’s a no-brainer for me (actual quote,)” rapped VP Dick Cheney when asked if he was a fan of the completely non-torturous sport. “If you’re not suffering through a forced and repetitive near-drowning experience while being held in a secret CIA prison, well dude, you’re barely alive!”

For the squares among Spurious George’s readership, water-boarding is described by those kill-joys at the Washington Post thusly: “The prisoner (thrill-seeker) is bound to an inclined board, feet raised and head slightly below the feet. Cellophane is wrapped over the prisoner's face and water is poured over him. Unavoidably, the gag reflex kicks in and a terrifying fear of drowning leads to almost instant pleas to bring the treatment to a halt. CIA officers who subjected themselves to the water boarding technique lasted an average of 14 seconds before caving in.” Proponents of the sport insist that this assessment only proves that the vast majority of CIA agents are pussies.

When considering the Olympic motto of “Faster, Higher, Torture,” it seems pre-ordained that water-boarding will soon be considered for inclusion in the next Summer Olympiad in Beijing, China…despite objections from the host nation that the less-extreme “Chinese water torture” be added instead. Washington water-boarding enthusiasts, however, were quick to point out the Chinese have a long, sordid history of human rights violations. “Chinese water torture? Heck, that even has ‘torture’ in the name,” observed President Bush before departing for Kennebunkport for a weekend of traditional, Bush-family water-boarding. “Those people are barbarians!”

Was this piece not America-loving enough for you? Why not grab your water board and head over to The Blue Republic, where Rex pours the sweet waters of freedom down hippie throats every Saturday?