Tuesday, October 03, 2006

TOUCH DICK, GO TO JAIL

Sick-O Socks Cheney, Sues Secret Service

(Beaver Creek, CO) As anyone not named Mark Foley should know, it’s just plain wrong for a man to touch Dick…especially if that Dick happens to be the Vice President of the United States. Unfortunately, this was a lesson learned the hard way by crazed Colorado communist Steven Howards, who last year was
arrested by Secret Service Agents for assaulting Cheney at a Beaver Creek mall. Howards, a non-profits consultant (aka “hippie”) had the audacity to make a “caustic comment” to the Vice President that had not been previously submitted to or approved by Karl Rove, while possibly simultaneously touching Cheney’s shoulder or elbow…something that even Mrs. Cheney is forbidden to do without the protective detail’s consent. Even worse, Howards committed this treason in the presence of his young son; fortunately, Spurious George has learned from child behavior experts that the younger Howards may still grow up to love America.



To his credit, Howards blamed neither alcohol nor molestation by a priest for his need to touch Dick. Still, it appears that more than a year after the incident, he remains in the “denial phase” of his recovery process. Referring to his lawful arrest, Howards in normal liberal fashion blamed his affliction on the guiltless Bill of Right. “It's such a blatant attempt to suppress a right to free speech,” shrieked Howards, no doubt prompted by the ACLU, who as everyone knows supports unimpeded Dick-touching.

Despite being released soon after his arrest by a famously-forgiving Cheney, Howards has lowered himself to the last resort of scoundrels…the lawsuit. Today, acting on the advice of his no-doubt Democrat-leaning attorney, Howards filed a federal suit in Denver against the heroic Secret Service agent who more than likely saved the Vice President’s life. According to the suit, the plaintiff is claiming that both his First and Fouth Amendment rights were violated…a shotgun blast to the face of the real victim of this incident. “I feel like I’m being victimized again,” reasonably asserted Cheney during a break at a Palm Beach (Florida) fund-raiser for
Mark Foley’s heir-apparent, Joe Negron. “Believe me, if the Democrats take back Congress, the courts will be filled with Dick-touchers suing their victims!”

15 Comments:

At 12:35 AM, Anonymous The Heretik said...

Oh my, the dick touching must end.

 
At 1:39 AM, Blogger GraemeAnfinson said...

nice find. I haven't heard anything about this, the daily show could have a field day

 
At 1:46 AM, Blogger GraemeAnfinson said...

Also, you are right. As a card carrying member of the ACLU, I can assure you dick touching is not only allowed, but encouraged by the group

 
At 4:40 AM, Blogger sumo said...

Everyone else has all the fun!

 
At 5:14 AM, Blogger pissed off patricia said...

I touched one once but I was smart enough not to do it in "Beaver Creek"

 
At 6:40 AM, Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

H: Agreed...which is why I'm calling for a Congressional Caucus, headed, in a bi=partisan move, by Barney Frank.

G-Man: I have a confession to make...some of my "finds" (including this one)come courtesy of Fark.com...an excellent source for all thing buffoonish.

Sumo: Dick-touching is no laughing matter. Leading science-studying people at the 700 Club lab, for example, believe it leads to hairy palms (and jail!)

POP: A good point...when it comes to places dick-touchers have no business, you just can't lick Beaver Creek!

 
At 7:34 AM, Blogger Peacechick Mary said...

Dickie Doodle went to town
Riding on a phony
Stuck a chicken in his hat
and called it Negrone.

I don't know. It's too early. Great comedy, but sadly, true.

 
At 2:18 PM, Blogger michael the tubthumper said...

what next?

maybe this

 
At 2:29 PM, Anonymous earl bockenfeld said...

Rex, my question to you is that, being as how you're in law enforcement, will dick-touching be allowed during "Masturbation Month."

Enquiring minds need to know the answer to that burning question.

 
At 5:39 PM, Blogger AJ said...

Enquiring minds also need to know what the f*k is going on in your Sunshine state?? Seems to me you guys are growing more than orange blossoms.

btw, Rex, is that ugly rumor true that cops get the best buds?

 
At 6:22 PM, Anonymous Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Mary: Thankfully, under Florida law both Foley AND Negron's name will appear on the ballot...and any vote for Foley automatically gets credited to Negron. It's a Republican's dream: TWO GOPers against 1 liberal!


Michael: I'm going to pretend I never saw that.

Earl: Dicking around with a question like that is beneath you!

AJ: Sadly, it's true that the combination of heat, humidity and influx of Cubans can test the moral compass of even the most ardent conservative. As for the "best buds," yes, it is true...and the evidence burns are amazing!

 
At 7:39 PM, Blogger Lola Heatherton said...

Why, I think I would like to sing Peacechick Mary's little ditty in my next very special special. I could do an entire production number!

 
At 8:02 PM, Blogger AJ said...

."..and the evidence burns are amazing! "


Is that before or after it's shipped off to a special CIA/NSA warehouse for "safekeeping"?

just curious

 
At 2:47 AM, Blogger Station Agent said...

You're the man for that hysterical Swingers reference.

 
At 11:33 AM, Anonymous anita said...

... all of which explains why i have never, ever been able to talk to anyone whose name is 'dick' without laughing or blushing ...

 

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