TOUCH DICK, GO TO JAIL

Sick-O Socks Cheney, Sues Secret Service

(Beaver Creek, CO) As anyone not named Mark Foley should know, it’s just plain wrong for a man to touch Dick…especially if that Dick happens to be the Vice President of the United States. Unfortunately, this was a lesson learned the hard way by crazed Colorado communist Steven Howards, who last year was arrested by Secret Service Agents for assaulting Cheney at a Beaver Creek mall. Howards, a non-profits consultant (aka “hippie”) had the audacity to make a “caustic comment” to the Vice President that had not been previously submitted to or approved by Karl Rove, while possibly simultaneously touching Cheney’s shoulder or elbow…something that even Mrs. Cheney is forbidden to do without the protective detail’s consent. Even worse, Howards committed this treason in the presence of his young son; fortunately, Spurious George has learned from child behavior experts that the younger Howards may still grow up to love America.



To his credit, Howards blamed neither alcohol nor molestation by a priest for his need to touch Dick. Still, it appears that more than a year after the incident, he remains in the “denial phase” of his recovery process. Referring to his lawful arrest, Howards in normal liberal fashion blamed his affliction on the guiltless Bill of Right. “It's such a blatant attempt to suppress a right to free speech,” shrieked Howards, no doubt prompted by the ACLU, who as everyone knows supports unimpeded Dick-touching.

Despite being released soon after his arrest by a famously-forgiving Cheney, Howards has lowered himself to the last resort of scoundrels…the lawsuit. Today, acting on the advice of his no-doubt Democrat-leaning attorney, Howards filed a federal suit in Denver against the heroic Secret Service agent who more than likely saved the Vice President’s life. According to the suit, the plaintiff is claiming that both his First and Fouth Amendment rights were violated…a shotgun blast to the face of the real victim of this incident. “I feel like I’m being victimized again,” reasonably asserted Cheney during a break at a Palm Beach (Florida) fund-raiser for Mark Foley’s heir-apparent, Joe Negron. “Believe me, if the Democrats take back Congress, the courts will be filled with Dick-touchers suing their victims!”