NEW YORK HATES AMERICA

Poll Exposes Pro-Hillary, Racist Bias

(New York) Edging ever closer to Massachusetts’ formerly-undisputed title of “America’s Most Out-of-the-Mainstream State,” New York today made it clear that when it comes to America-hating, it truly is the city-state that never sleeps. A new Quinnipiac poll revealed that Hillary would crush Rudy Giuliani in a hypothetical 2008 presidential election. The poll, which sampled the seditious opinion of 1,314 patrons of Greenwich Village’s “Elanor Roosevelt Lounge” during the height of its annual week-long “We Hate Italians” celebration, has Hillary winning 67% to 47%, proving once again that not only do New Yorkers hate America, they apparently suck at math (on a related note, the poll had an error margin of ± 110%)



Luckily, and although New York considers itself the center of the universe, the phrase “As New York goes, so goes the nation” has never caught on in political circles. “Virginia is for lovers, but New York is for losers” opined incoming GOP chairman Mel Martinez, pointing out that the Empire State backed Al Gore and John Kerry in the past two presidential elections. “You’d think the that the state that was attacked on 9/11 would love America just a tad more, but no. Heck, those ingrates even protested our national convention there two years ago. Ungrateful Jew bastards!”

By satirically attacking Jews, Martinez was merely alluding to allegations that the poll revealed New York’s inherent racism. Giuliani is, after all, a white, Catholic male of Italian heritage who was also a former mayor of the state’s largest city…making him an easily-targeted minority of one (Fiorello LaGuardia and Vincent Impellitteri might have been allies of Rudy, but unfortunately both are currently dead.) Despite being the hero of 9/11, throughout his political career Giuliani has been the victim of Italian stereotypes…specifically, that all Italians have mob ties. “How ironic,” noted Martinez. “I mean, everyone knows that it’s Hillary who is turkey-neck-deep in organized crime. Hello? Whitewater?”

NY RACE GETS UGLIER

Hillary-Hater Heroically Hurls “Hag” Harangue

(Albany) In his patriotic campaign to unseat Hillary “Cut and Run” Clinton from her extra-wide Senate seat, GOP hopeful John Spencer has always had the issues on his side (a right-thinking combat veteran, he’s pro-war and anti-tax,) but has until now inexplicably lagged behind his overweight opponent. In a last-minute change in tactics, however, Spencer has found an issue that resonates with his future constituents: Hillary homeliness! Referring to the Senator’s pre-political pooch-face, Spencer asked a reporter, “You ever see a picture of her back then? Whew! (actual quote)” Spencer correctly surmised that Clinton’s miniscule improvement in appearance was due to “millions of dollars or work,” most likely at the taxpayers’ expense. “I don’t know why Bill married her (another actual quote,)” wondered Spencer. “All the prettier pigs in Arkansas must’ve been taken already!”

Patriotic political pundits applauded Spencer’s solid stance on the Senator’s scariness, and defended his comments as politically relevant. “I know they say politics is show business for ugly people, but there should be limits,” reasonably asserted talk show host and former male model Rush Limbaugh. “The pretty people of Poughkeepsie deserve a Senator more representative of them, and anyone who has seen John Spencer in a Speedo knows he’s the right man for the job.” Limbaugh quickly added that he is not gay.

As expected, patently unattractive Democrats attempted to metaphorically beat Spencer with the proverbial ugly stick. “Senator Clinton is the sexiest Senator since a young Ted Kennedy,” lisped Rep. Barney Frank (D-MA.) “Her short hair, chiseled features and firm handshake are off the fabulous scale!” Frank added that if he weren’t involved in a committed relationship, he’d let Clinton sweep him off his feet in a heartbeat.