IS REX A REAL REPUBLICAN?
Kramer Codifies His Conservative Credentials
I have recently been made aware of a nasty rumor making its rounds in the blogosphere that doesn’t bear repeating…so I’ll just go ahead and repeat it. If one is to believe the GOP-hating gossip, I, Rex Kramer (Danger-Seeker,) have been fraudulently representing myself as a Jesus-loving, staying-the-course Republican, when in fact I’m more the type who’d bad-mouth my country as I cut and run from her foreign commitments. Let me assure you, my dear RexHeads©, that nothing could be further from the truth (with the exception of anything that comes out of Nancy Pelosi’s treasonous mouth.) To put these lies to rest, however, I am willing to expose my detractors to a few personal entries in the “Rex Files”….tidbits of personal information that should prove once and for all that Rex Kramer loves America infinitely more than you, and thus must be a Republican!
For example, did you know that….
Rex served his country? Like most Republicans in public service, I proudly wore the uniform of our armed forces. In fact, I love my country so much I even refused to go AWOL when that draft-dodger Clinton took office! Sure, I never was exposed to combat while Slick Willy was the commander-in-chief, but as we all have learned since, that’s only because he was a big wuss! Oh, how I wish I was 10 years younger and able to serve under our current President in a state of perpetual war! Hoo-ah! Of course, I continue to combat evil on a smaller scale every day, as…
Rex fights crime, so you don’t have to! As anyone who has watched a “cop drama” knows, the life of a detective is both glamorous and rewarding. While chasing down Colombian drug lords through the streets of Orlando in my assigned Ferrari is exciting, I do it not to impress bikini-clad models, but rather to fulfill my pledge to make America safe. I ask you, is there a more conservative goal than that? That was a rhetorical question, of course, for as everyone knows I more than met my Republican obligations when…
Rex married a woman! Not only did pledge his love and fidelity to a member of the opposite sex, he impressed Jesus further by fathering three children with that same woman! Sure, a handful of liberals might enter into sham marriages, but do they possess enough manly sperm to sire three tax deductions? I think not! It goes without saying that all three of the Danger-Kids will ultimately follow their father’s footsteps when it comes time to leave the neo-con nest, as…
Rex did not attend an elitist east-coast college! Rex went to the University of Florida, a former all-male institution of provincial higher learning, and also the South’s last state school to integrate. Misogynistic and racist? Possibly. But more importantly, we can kick Harvard’s sorry ass in football!
So you see, my confused Kramericans©, once you take all of the biographical factors into account, there should be little doubt that Rex Kramer is not only a true Republican, but the kind of Republican other Republicans wish they could be!
Never doubt me again!
Note: The Kramerica compound this week will be hosting some out-of-town guests, and out of respect to them (Southern hospitality is not a thing of the past) will be taking a few days off from his usual daily-doses of democracy defending.