JEAN SCHMIDT: A PROFILE IN COURAGE
Cincy's Sexy Stay-the-Courser Stands Strong!
(Cincinnati) When contemplating history’s great women of self-sacrifice, most people conjure up images of Mother Teresa, Florence Nightingale, and Britney Spears (although not necessarily in that order.) Future generations, however, will no doubt add to that list Rep. Jean Schmidt (R-OH,) a striking woman unafraid to speak the truth, fight for justice, or expose her constituents to imported nuclear waste. Despite being inexplicably in a dead-heat with a Democratic, cut-and-run advocating challenger, Schmidt was characteristically decisive when confronted with the political glowing-potato of a proposed nuclear waste dump being placed within her district. “I'm not advocating for it one way or the other,” Schmidt in no way waffled. “I'm saying it is something we need to look at (actual quote.)"
While some al Qaeda sympathizers in her southern Ohio district aren’t so much worried about looking at it as they are inhaling and drinking it, more patriotic pundits point out that Schmidt’s stance is consistent with her life-long dedication to conservative principles. “Unlike her opponent, Congresswoman Schmidt would rather import nuclear materials than export them,” rationally explained fellow female freedom-lover Ann Coulter, noting that the site would receive radioactive residue from around the world that might otherwise end up in a mushroom cloud over Cincinnati. Also piping in was Michelle Malkin, a hot import in her own right. “While Democrats seem to favor out-sourcing jobs, Jean Schmidt is working hard to bring high-wage, hazardous waste jobs to her district.” The proposed uranium heap would create “hundreds, maybe thousands of jobs” according to Schmidt, in an area with double-digit unemployment (thanks to Clinton having sex with an intern.) While these jobs would come without health benefits, most feel the point is moot as government scientific-esque studies have revealed that exposure to nuclear waste not only makes one healthier, it holds the possibility of producing super-powers!
As stay-the-course subscribers of Spurious George know, this was not the first time Schmidt proved her patriotic prowess. Her shining moment came when on the House floor she accurately described Rep. John Murtha (D-PA,) like John Kerry a Vietnam veteran of dubious distinction who voted for the war in Iraq before he voted against it, as something less than manly. “Cowards cut and run, Marines never do,” heroically charged the freshman Congresswoman at the 32-year House veteran in response to the allegedly-hawkish Pennsylvanian’s calls for a pull-out from Iraq just when the insurgency was in its final throes. Murtha, by all accounts a sensitive grudge-holder, has responded by raising money for the campaign of Schmidt’s anti-job creation, pro-job outsourcing opponent. On one campaign stop Murtha even stooped to making disparaging remarks about Schmidt’s physical attributes (which naturally were ignored by the mainstream media.) “These guys are sitting on their fat backsides and sending our young people into harm's way with 70-pound packs on their back and they're saying Iraq is an open-ended process, with no end in sight,” slandered the cowardly Congressman. “Our young men and women in the military deserve better (actual quote.)”