Monday, October 30, 2006

JEAN SCHMIDT: A PROFILE IN COURAGE

Cincy's Sexy Stay-the-Courser Stands Strong!

(Cincinnati) When contemplating history’s great women of self-sacrifice, most people conjure up images of Mother Teresa, Florence Nightingale, and Britney Spears (although not necessarily in that order.) Future generations, however, will no doubt add to that list Rep. Jean Schmidt (R-OH,) a striking woman unafraid to speak the truth, fight for justice, or expose her constituents to imported nuclear waste. Despite being inexplicably in a dead-heat with a Democratic, cut-and-run advocating challenger, Schmidt was characteristically decisive when confronted with the political glowing-potato of a proposed nuclear waste dump being placed within her district. “I'm not advocating for it one way or the other,” Schmidt in no way waffled. “I'm saying it is something we need to look at (actual quote.)"



While some al Qaeda sympathizers in her southern Ohio district aren’t so much worried about looking at it as they are inhaling and drinking it, more patriotic pundits point out that Schmidt’s stance is consistent with her life-long dedication to conservative principles. “Unlike her opponent, Congresswoman Schmidt would rather import nuclear materials than export them,” rationally explained fellow female freedom-lover Ann Coulter, noting that the site would receive radioactive residue from around the world that might otherwise end up in a mushroom cloud over Cincinnati. Also piping in was Michelle Malkin, a hot import in her own right. “While Democrats seem to favor out-sourcing jobs, Jean Schmidt is working hard to bring high-wage, hazardous waste jobs to her district.” The proposed uranium heap would create “hundreds, maybe thousands of jobs” according to Schmidt, in an area with double-digit unemployment (thanks to Clinton having sex with an intern.) While these jobs would come without health benefits, most feel the point is moot as government scientific-esque studies have revealed that exposure to nuclear waste not only makes one healthier, it holds the possibility of producing super-powers!

As stay-the-course subscribers of Spurious George know, this was not the first time Schmidt proved her patriotic prowess. Her shining moment came when on the House floor she accurately described Rep. John Murtha (D-PA,) like John Kerry a Vietnam veteran of dubious distinction who voted for the war in Iraq before he voted against it, as something less than manly. “Cowards cut and run, Marines never do,” heroically charged the freshman Congresswoman at the 32-year House veteran in response to the allegedly-hawkish Pennsylvanian’s calls for a pull-out from Iraq just when the insurgency was in its final throes. Murtha, by all accounts a sensitive grudge-holder, has responded by raising money for the campaign of Schmidt’s anti-job creation, pro-job outsourcing opponent. On one campaign stop Murtha even stooped to making disparaging remarks about Schmidt’s physical attributes (which naturally were ignored by the mainstream media.) “These guys are sitting on their fat backsides and sending our young people into harm's way with 70-pound packs on their back and they're saying Iraq is an open-ended process, with no end in sight,” slandered the cowardly Congressman. “Our young men and women in the military deserve better (
actual quote.)”

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10 Comments:

At 7:03 AM, Blogger Frederick said...

She needs the waste to power her broom...did you think the Nimbus 2000 ran on petrol?

 
At 9:09 AM, Blogger Wickedmick said...

The waste might actually make Ohio look better.....

 
At 9:13 AM, Blogger pissed off patricia said...

The statue of liberty should be made over to look like the goddess, Ms Schmidt.

(Why yes, that is a snark bite)

 
At 9:49 AM, Anonymous Glenda said...

rex, you a on your game here. Great writing..

 
At 11:03 AM, Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Frederick: I presume you mean the broom she uses to sweep Democrats out of office!

Wicked: Well, even I'll admit that Cincy hasn't been this beautiful since Lonnie Anderson worked the desk at WKRP.

POP: Compared to Schmidt, Lady Liberty is a treasonous whore!

It needed to be said.

Glenda: Thanks, Glenda, but when you're a Republican, good news stories practically write themselves!

 
At 1:59 PM, Blogger Donkeyhue said...

Just like a bunch of hippies to cry foul over "blood for oil" and then like typical not in my backyard eco weekend warriors cry foul over alternative fuel sources. I cant say I blame them either but how is Schmidt being irresponsible to her constituents by stating "All I'm saying is let's get the money to study it because, in the end, it is going to be up to the folks down there to determine whether they want this or not,"

Whats the problem? Isnt the democratic party all about useless wasteful studies?

I have no comment on rapid redeployment Murhta

 
At 2:13 PM, Anonymous Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

DH: If you ask me, the study is anything but wasteful. $5 million is NOTHING when you consider the potential savings. You see, the 2006 budget calls for around $900 million to be spent cleaning up the site (and two other nuclear sites.) Why clean it up when you can just keep using it to bury spent rods? The winner...the taxpayer!

 
At 3:56 PM, Blogger Donkeyhue said...

Speaking of burying rods... Nice gratuitous Britney photo.

 
At 6:22 PM, Blogger DivaJood said...

Frederick, if she'd get a Hybrid Broom, none of this would be an issue.

 
At 11:44 PM, Blogger Callooh said...

I don't know about the Harry Potter comparions - actually I think a cauldron would be in order...

but there is a certain resemblance to Homer Simpson - can we say "DOnut"? "D'oh!!!" and most appropriatly....
"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."

 

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