NY RACE GETS UGLIER

Hillary-Hater Heroically Hurls “Hag” Harangue

(Albany) In his patriotic campaign to unseat Hillary “Cut and Run” Clinton from her extra-wide Senate seat, GOP hopeful John Spencer has always had the issues on his side (a right-thinking combat veteran, he’s pro-war and anti-tax,) but has until now inexplicably lagged behind his overweight opponent. In a last-minute change in tactics, however, Spencer has found an issue that resonates with his future constituents: Hillary homeliness! Referring to the Senator’s pre-political pooch-face, Spencer asked a reporter, “You ever see a picture of her back then? Whew! (actual quote)” Spencer correctly surmised that Clinton’s miniscule improvement in appearance was due to “millions of dollars or work,” most likely at the taxpayers’ expense. “I don’t know why Bill married her (another actual quote,)” wondered Spencer. “All the prettier pigs in Arkansas must’ve been taken already!”

Patriotic political pundits applauded Spencer’s solid stance on the Senator’s scariness, and defended his comments as politically relevant. “I know they say politics is show business for ugly people, but there should be limits,” reasonably asserted talk show host and former male model Rush Limbaugh. “The pretty people of Poughkeepsie deserve a Senator more representative of them, and anyone who has seen John Spencer in a Speedo knows he’s the right man for the job.” Limbaugh quickly added that he is not gay.

As expected, patently unattractive Democrats attempted to metaphorically beat Spencer with the proverbial ugly stick. “Senator Clinton is the sexiest Senator since a young Ted Kennedy,” lisped Rep. Barney Frank (D-MA.) “Her short hair, chiseled features and firm handshake are off the fabulous scale!” Frank added that if he weren’t involved in a committed relationship, he’d let Clinton sweep him off his feet in a heartbeat.