Monday, October 23, 2006

NY RACE GETS UGLIER

Hillary-Hater Heroically Hurls “Hag” Harangue

(Albany) In his patriotic campaign to unseat Hillary “Cut and Run” Clinton from her extra-wide Senate seat, GOP hopeful John Spencer has always had the issues on his side (a right-thinking combat veteran, he’s pro-war and anti-tax,) but has until now inexplicably lagged behind his overweight opponent. In a last-minute change in tactics, however,
Spencer has found an issue that resonates with his future constituents: Hillary homeliness! Referring to the Senator’s pre-political pooch-face, Spencer asked a reporter, “You ever see a picture of her back then? Whew! (actual quote)” Spencer correctly surmised that Clinton’s miniscule improvement in appearance was due to “millions of dollars or work,” most likely at the taxpayers’ expense. “I don’t know why Bill married her (another actual quote,)” wondered Spencer. “All the prettier pigs in Arkansas must’ve been taken already!”


Patriotic political pundits applauded Spencer’s solid stance on the Senator’s scariness, and defended his comments as politically relevant. “I know they say politics is show business for ugly people, but there should be limits,” reasonably asserted talk show host and former male model Rush Limbaugh. “The pretty people of Poughkeepsie deserve a Senator more representative of them, and anyone who has seen John Spencer in a Speedo knows he’s the right man for the job.” Limbaugh quickly added that he is not gay.

As expected, patently unattractive Democrats attempted to metaphorically beat Spencer with the proverbial ugly stick. “Senator Clinton is the sexiest Senator since a young Ted Kennedy,” lisped Rep. Barney Frank (D-MA.) “Her short hair, chiseled features and firm handshake are off the fabulous scale!” Frank added that if he weren’t involved in a committed relationship, he’d let Clinton sweep him off his feet in a heartbeat.

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12 Comments:

At 3:47 PM, Blogger mariamaria said...

So this is where you hide during the day. i am finding out all the secretos! Very nice work, but did you know that ugly women have feelings too? Why not attack for a good reason if you must? like this politician is stupid or made a bad decision? something they can control?

 
At 5:52 PM, Blogger Kathy said...

Former male model Rush Limbaugh? Hmmm...was that in a pig farm catalog somewhere?

 
At 6:24 PM, Anonymous Dude said...

Hey, Hillary was a Goldwater Girl! You don't get to be in that select company without some wholesome good looks! It was just one step down from Playboy Bunny I believe.

 
At 9:38 PM, Anonymous Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

MM: Let's get a few things clear. One, Rex Kramer never hides (unless he's undercover.) Two, it wasn't ME who called Hillary ugly. I mean, sure, I've THOUGHT it. Daily, actually, but said it? Nope!

Kathy: Although I never verified it, Rush told me personally that he was actually a model for US Army recruiting efforts during Vietnam...before that blasted anal cyst made him unfit for duty!

Dude: I've heard that rumor as well, but refuse to believe that St. Barry was in any way associated with Homely Hillary.

 
At 11:11 PM, Anonymous Lily said...

St. Barry, like St. Ronnie?

Rex, congrats on a year of bloggery.

Sure, you're messed up. But appreciated. I mean, any ol idiot can write about issues. What you bring to the banquet is... is..well, the mince pie.

I dont think Hillary is all that homely actually, I dont see where people get that. True, she's no Feintein...

 
At 12:31 AM, Anonymous gordo said...

lily--

Sure, she's not homely ANYMORE. That was Spencer's point.

And for those of us who can see her dark soul, she's very ugly indeed. Whenever you see her picture, keep in mind the fact that she wants you to buy health insurance for the entire village. Then you'll see what I see.

 
At 4:24 AM, Blogger sumo said...

Here's hoping you don't choke on your Koolaid now...what's that pork smell in the distance? Are you sizzlin' soome bacon to go with that Koolaid?

 
At 4:36 PM, Blogger glenda said...

mmm..did someone mention bacon?
Hope it's Kevin Bacon.

 
At 4:50 PM, Blogger WeezieLou said...

going after hillary based on her looks......slimey last minute ditch effort. try going after her votes, her quotes, something to actually do with her as a senator. but no.....hitting the 'looks' button is so much easier. and 'former male model' rush limbaugh?! for what magazine?

 
At 7:10 PM, Blogger Frederick said...

It's getting ugly, up in here...

 
At 10:22 PM, Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Lily: Mince Pie? How did you know my old fraternity nickname?!? Get out of my head!!!

Gordo: Good point, for as every writer knows, evil=ugly. Well, except for Monica Bellucci in "The Brothers Grimm."

Sumo: Everything goes with Kool Aid. Even mince pie.

Glenda: I once visited a blog that was authored by this guy who had a sister whose sixth grade teacher was the cousin of Kevin Bacon's wig maker!

Weez: For what magazine? Maybe you're familiar with a little publication called "The Joy of Rex?" This month we're doing a feature spread on Katherine Harris!

Fred: Albany's an ugly town, but as they say, if you can make it there, you can make it...in Buffalo!

 
At 3:49 AM, Blogger Neil Shakespeare said...

Hey man, ugly is the new beautiful, didn't you know?

 

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