FOX: CLINTON HATES FREE PRESS

Former Prez A Media Fascist?

(New York) Rallying to the side of his fair and balanced reporter, Fox News chief Roger Ailes charged that Bill Clinton’s unprovoked attack on Chris Wallace was evidence that the former President’s “hatred for journalists is showing.” Ailes was referring to the interview in which Wallace’s reasonable question regarding Clinton’s culpability for 9/11 resulted in the former Liar-in-Chief calling Matthew’s sexuality into question.

Clinton’s malice toward the media was a well-guarded secret during his reign, a conspiracy of silence ironically aided by the liberal mainstream media. Unreported, for example, was his 1994 “bitch-slap” of Katie Couric during a commercial break on the set of the Today show. A search of lexis-nexus revealed no mention in the media of Clinton’s 1995 assault of Walter Cronkite with a 9-iron. More recently, little attention was paid to his off-the-cuff wish that CBS News correspondent Kimberly Dozier would be seriously injured in a car-bomb incident…shortly before she was seriously injured in a car-bomb incident.

“Unlike our current President, Bill Clinton had no reverence for a free press, and in fact actively campaigned for the repeal of the First Amendment,” observed Ailes, who hinted that Clinton, on more than one occasion, threatened to force-feed Bill O’Reilly every loofah in the Bed, Bath and Beyond inventory. “Lord only knows what might happen if his wife is elected to the presidency. I mean, would only the Village Voice be allowed in the White House press room?”

While most reporters only suffered bruised egos and spleens as a result of Clinton’s irrational hatred, others weren’t so fortunate. “Had Bill Clinton not been responsible for 9/11, I might never have gone to prison or suffered the hardships I face every day,” accurately accused martyr Judith Miller as she counted the advance she received in anticipation of her soon-to-be-published biography. “If he had done his job Osama and Saddam would have been dead, and no one would’ve cared about Nigerian uranium, much less Valerie Plame.”

“PRINCE OF PATRIOTISM” HOME TODAY

SG To Resume Normal Propaganda Soon

(Orlando) Defenseless as the Democrats’ proposed budget, the nation’s newest neo-con is expected to pass through the fortified and electrified gates of the Kramerica© Kompound later today. While “Rex Junior” is reported to have enjoyed his brief hospital stay (aside from the circumcision, of course,) all indications are he’s eager to inspect the security of his homeland. “Little Rex is confident that the war in Iraq has made his new home safer, despite what any leaked intelligence report might say,” declared his fiercely proud father, respected pundit and Spurious George’s senior danger-seeker, Rex Kramer. “I think the nation could learn a lot from him, and just sleep. A lot. Like, say, until after the mid-term elections.”



Spurious George promises that this is the last photo of “Rex Junior”….at least until his campaign literature is published!

IT’S A BOY…AND WHAT A BOY!!!

Rex Sires America’s Next Great President

(Orlando) At 22 inches long and weighing in at 9 pounds and 2 ounces (and that’s just his penis) the heir to the Kramerica© legacy burst onto the political scene this morning as a giant among mere mortal babies. Emerging from the womb with all of the necessities for future office-holding (full head of hair, total inability to speak, and no real opinion on anything,) leading pundits are already labeling the newest Danger-Seeker a front-runner in the 2044 presidential campaign.



Details about the future candidate’s platform are sketchy at this hour, as his entourage is experiencing the kind of light-headed giddiness that comes with sleep deprivation and political-future optimism. For now, the “crib conservative” merely wishes to let his adoring public know that while he strongly supports cutting (the umbilical cord,) he is steadfastly opposed to running…at least until he can walk.

LIKE HIGHER TAXES? VOTE DEMOCRAT!

Liberals Would Raise Taxes $2.4 Trillion. No, Really!

(Washington) The famously unbiased and non-partisan website GOP.com today revealed that in the unlikely event that Democrats fraudulently seize control of Congress in the upcoming mid-term elections, they will raise taxes to historically high levels. Citing only slightly out-of-context quotes from or about tax-and-spend titans such as John Kerry, Ted Kennedy, and Harry Reid, the fair-and-balanced site announced that it was the liberals’ intent to raise taxes a whopping and America-hating $2.4 trillion dollars!



According to an impartial report produced by the Treasury Department, single mother, the elderly and middle-income families would suffer most under Democratic rule. For example, a family of four earning $50,000 would owe the Beltway insiders an additional $2,092 per year…a 132% increase of the pittance they now pay with the benevolent Republican leadership in place. “I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather have $2000 in my pocket than in the government’s,” reasonably commented former Congressman Bob Ney (R-OH.) “No, seriously, I could really use the money. My legal fees are killing me!”

With the economy humming, the budget under control and unemployment at an all-time lowish level, many fiscally-responsible Americans are rightfully questioning why the out-of-the-mainstream party would feel compelled to overtax citizens if (God forbid) they get their pot-stained fingers on the nation’s purse strings. “I’ve heard they want to create a gigantic new bureaucracy to oversee federally-funded opulent gay wedding receptions, guaranteed welfare-for-life for drug-addicted sex offenders, and Ivy League education for pardoned death row inmates,” leaked average taxpayer Karl Rove. “Still, such a large tax increase seems excessive, especially since they intend to cut military pay in half, eliminate the Border Patrol and sell surplus weapons to al Qaeda.”

Kramer Kid Update: The baby, probably fearing that he/she will fall under the “capital gains tax” laws, is still a no-show.

THE MOST AMERICA-LOVING STATE?

Wyoming Wives Want Winchesters!

In this, the third installment of a 50-part (non-consecutive series,) Spurious George continues its attempt to answer the previously- unanswerable question; which state is the most patriotic? Thus far Kentucky and Indiana have both been deemed worthy of W’s wonderfulness…today we look west of the Mississippi and wonder whether Wyoming warrants wespect, um, respect.

(Cheyenne) While it may be America’s least-populated state, Wyoming has produced some of this nation’s greatest heroes. From Leonard Hobbs (developer of the turbo jet airplane) to James Watt (former Secretary of the Interior) to the second greatest living American Dick Cheney, Wyoming has seen her share of native sons rise up to make this country great. Added to that august list this week was state senator Cale Case (R-Lander,) who is leading the fight to give guns to those convicted of domestic violence!




With Case as its champion, Wyoming, known far and wide as “the Equality State” as it was the first state in the Union to give women the right to vote and also the first state governed by a woman, is looking to “hit the feminist trifecta” by guaranteeing womenfolk the right to be protected by her well-armed man. If Senator Case’s noble cause reaches fruition, those convicted in liberal courts of “a little misunderstanding with the wife” would have their conviction expunged, and thus be allowed to exercise their God-given 2nd Amendment rights. “If we can get the constitutional rights remedied, that would be a great thing,” heroically gushed Case (actual quote.)

The saintly senator’s proposed legislation was greeted by a round of applause (and celebratory gunfire) by America’s pre-eminent gun owner and proud Wyoming native, Vice President Dick Cheney. “The rejectionist proponents of gun control are almost in their last throes,” predicted the NRA life member. Cheney also dismissed allegations made by victim advocate groups who lamely argue that Case’s bill is inherently pro-domestic violence. “I have no doubt that Wyoming’s women will welcome their gun-owning, convicted-felon husbands as heroes…if they know what’s good for them, of course!”

In an unrelated story, former football great O.J. Simpson announced that his search for “the real killers” of his wife has moved to Cheyenne. While a representative reported that Simpson felt “right at home” in Wyoming, he was concerned about the lack of shops carrying Bruno Magli shoes.

Rex’s Note: Still no baby, Kramericans©.

UN HEARTS COMMUNISM

Annan, Castro BFF?

(Havana) It has been said that only Nixon could go to China; equally true, it seems, is “only Koffi Annan could go to Cuba on the American taxpayers’ dime.”

When chocolates, flowers and a Kurt Waldheim look-alike strip-o-gram just weren’t enough, the UN Secretary-General commandeered Air Force One and flew to Havana, where he cozied up to Fidel Castro in the communist invalid’s hospital room. According to those in attendance, conversation between the two centered around our freedom and how much they hate it, the most efficient methods of setting an American flag on fire, and how much they each hope the Democrats win back Congress in the upcoming mid-term elections. “In other words, the usual topics of conversation at UN headquarters,” commented an anonymous attendee who bore a striking resemblance to Venezuela’s Hugo Chavez.

Annan’s pilgrimage came on the sensible-shoe heels of a visit by Hillary Clinton, a long-time admirer and alleged ex-lover of the bearded communist head of Cuba. In an exclusive interview with MoveOn.com, Clinton later expressed her firm belief that “America could learn a lot from the Communists,” and her hope that “some day Old Glory” would be replaced by the UN flag.”

Wiping bile from his impressive mustache, UN ambassador-for-life John Bolton characterized the meeting between Annan and Castro as “troubling,” and declared that the US was studying its option in regards to how to deal with the crisis. While assuring that bombing the UN headquarters in New York was not a “done deal,” he cautioned that all options were on the table.

Note: Thus far, the latest Danger-Seeker has yet to be born. This does not concern us, however, as timetables only give aid and comfort to the enemy!

PREGNANT PAUSE IN PATRIOTISM

Rex Kramer…Diaper-Changer?

(Orlando) As RexHeads© the world over are well aware, it’s been an eventful summer for America’s favorite danger-seeker, Rex Kramer. First, Rex and his freedom-loving family relocated into the new Kramerica Kompound deep in the ultra-red heart of Central Florida. Next came the unveiling of Spurious George’s new and award-winning blog, a website so patriotic it makes Lady Liberty seem whorishly treasonous in comparison. These watershed moments in American history were, of course, framed by Mrs. Kramer’s pregnancy with the heir to the Danger-Seeking name (or, possibly, maybe, a third daughter.) Good things do indeed come in threes!

Every time God opens a door, however, he slams shut a window…in this case, the window into Rex’s mind. Actually, the window is, like Rex’s mind, only half-shut, as his proud, patriotic postings will become intermittent as the birth of Rex, Junior (or Rexina) approaches. Much like Iraq, the Kramer family is “in transition,” and we here at Spurious George thank you in advance for your patience during this period.

9/11, PART TWO!!!

Taliban Attacks Exactly 5 Years Later

(Kabul) On the 5th anniversary of America’s darkest day, the few Taliban forces still active in Afghanistan launched an unprovoked and cowardly attack against US soldiers who were holding a completely spontaneous 9/11 memorial ceremony. By mere coincidence, CNN cameras captured the sneak attack, and thus provided Americans with a vivid reminder of the need for never-ending war against the haters of freedom.



Owing his life to the same soldiers he bad-mouths daily to his national audience, CNN’s Anderson Cooper reported after the attackers had been repelled that he had experienced a battlefield epiphany. “These little brown f*ckers are insane,” shrieked the mainstream media’s magnificently-manicured metro-sexual. “I’m with President Bush; we need to kill every last one of these frigging animals!” Cooper went on to opine that those killed or displaced by Hurricane Katrina “had it coming,” that torture is “too good” for captured terrorists, and that, if given the chance, he’d single-handedly “choke the living sh*t” out of Saddam Hussein for attacking America. In an unrelated note, Anderson immediately tendered his resignation to his former CNN propaganda-pushers, and signed a pro-bono contract with the more patriotic Fox News.

Following a ceremony celebrating the 5th anniversary of his brave emergence from an undisclosed location, Vice President Dick Cheney commended the former CNN rejectionist reporter for his right-thinking revelation. “I firmly believe that if every draft-age American could see first-hand the freedom-hating tenacity of the enemy, they’d support the global war on islamo-fascism whole-heartedly.” Cheney added as tensions between the civilized world and Iran intensify, that dream may come to fruition.

Meanwhile, in Hollywood ABC network executives today gave the green light for production of The Path to 9/11 II, to be produced in cooperation with the entertainment division of Talon News. The based-on-possible-facts movie will depict the likely scenario of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad ordering the strike of the CNN news crew based upon intelligence provided by Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY.)

TODAY IN REVISIONIST HISTORY

September 11, 2006

Today is September 11, 2006. There are only 104 shopping days until Christmas, but still 296 shopping days until President Bush’s birthday. On today’s date in history…

1609: Henry Hudson discovers Manhattan Island. As these were the days before Rudolph Giuliani brought law and order to the island, Hudson was mugged and left for dead near what would become Battery Park.

1773: Benjamin Franklin writes, “There never was a good war or bad peace.” He thus secures his place as the patron saint of future hippies.

1789: Alexander Hamilton appointed Secretary of the Treasury. His successful campaign against “tax and spend Whigs” earns him Aaron Burr’s coveted spot on the $10 bill.


1814: Americans defeat British in the Battle of Lake Champlain. Vanquished English forces sign the “Lap Dog Treaty,” a compact in effect to this day.

1875: First cartoon strip appears in a US newspaper. Historians note that this was the last time Doonesbury was funny.

1918: The Boston Red Sox defeat the Chicago Cubs to win the World Series. Confident his team is destined to become a dynasty, the team owner (John Kerry’s great-grandfather) trades “extra baggage” Babe Ruth to the Yankees.

1919: US Marines invade Honduras. Pentagon officials still fully expect that oil revenues will eventually pay for the ongoing rebuilding efforts in that country.

1941: Charles Lindbergh charges "the British, the Jews & the Roosevelt administration" are trying to get the US into WW II. Lindbergh is immediately signed to host his own Fox News show.

1941: Months before Pearl Harbor, FDR orders any Axis ship found in American waters be shot on sight. That’s right, hippies, “pre-emptive war” is an American institution!

1951: Florence Chadwick becomes 1st woman to swim the English Channel. Upon returning home, she becomes first woman to tell her husband, “make your own damn sandwich!”

1977: TV’s “Rhoda” gets divorced…probably because she wouldn’t make her husband a sandwich!

1985: Pete Rose of the Cincinnati Reds gets his record-breaking 4,192nd hit. Dorothy Hamill subsequently sues the slugger for unauthorized use of her famous hair-do.

1991: LaToya Jackson’s “Growing Up in the Jackson Family” goes on sale. This, most Americans assume, is the worst thing that will ever happen.

2001: Al Qaeda terrorists, sheltered by the Taliban and financed by Saddam Hussein, crash four planes on US soil. Almost immediately it becomes clear that this is all Bill Clinton’s fault.

SUNDAY SG EDITORIAL: A NEW NAME FOR TERROR

Much has recently been made of the Bush administration’s attempts to effectively label the forces of evil arrayed against the United States and her allies. When “terrorist” was struck down by the pre-Roberts’ Supreme Court as “void for vagueness,” the Federal Bureau of Buzz Words combed the Dr. Seuss Thesaurus of Made-Up Words for suitable replacements. What followed were serviceable, if not inspiring terms such as insurgent, rejectionist, defeatist, jihadists, Islamic fascist, and ultimately, “islamo-fascist.” While we here at SG have, as ordered by the Department of Homeland Security’s Propaganda Division, used these terms on a daily basis, as professional journalists we have always felt that they lacked a certain intellectual integrity. For example, Democrats hate our freedom, but can they really be described as “islamo-fascists?” The mainstream media clearly give aid and comfort to the enemy, but can we in good faith label them “jihadists?” What’s needed is a term or phrase that encompasses all of America’s enemies…which is why Spurious George endorses “Haters of Happiness!”

This, we believe, defines the “genius of simplicity” people the world-over associate with the current administration. “Haters of Happiness” (pronounced “hoes,”) we believe, is a fitting description for those whose only objective is to harsh America’s mellow. It is the common thread that binds the Talibani warlord to the anti-corporate environmentalist, the Sunni suicide bomber to the San Francisco city councilman. While some wish to see America burn and others hope to see it flooded (in tie-dyed regalia,) all would like nothing better than to see all America-loving patriots become as miserable as they are. While we suspect such an event would do wonders for our pharmaceutical stock holdings, in times of war we must believe in things bigger than our investment portfolio (although, admittedly, this makes us unhappy….damn those H.O.H.s!)

Obviously, once the enemy is properly identified the plan of battle becomes clearer. To defeat the H.O.H. forces, we need only to revel in our happiness. This is best accomplished, we believe, by continuing to make purchases we can’t afford (but make us happy,) driving ego-boosting SUVs from the driveway to the mailbox, and above all else, believing firmly that “everything’s gonna be alright” despite all evidence to the contrary. Only then can we defeat the damn, dirty H.O.H.s!

SG GOES TO THE MOVIES

Rex Reviews “Path to 9/11”

If you haven’t been to the Heritage Foundation’s private Ronald Reagan Theater, you simply must go, as it’s an architectural homage to the days when “a night at the movies” didn’t expose the film-goer to a sinful smorgasbord of nudity, foul language, and Ben Affleck. From the smartly-attired ushers to the Fox-produced newsreels to the “whites only” section, everything about “the Ron” harkens back to a day when America was less liberal, and thus, infinitely better. It’s the perfect environment for taking in a Left Behind double feature, an Ernest P. Worrell retrospective, or my personal favorite, a factual representation of the events leading up to 9/11, based mostly on the findings of the 9/11 Commission.

I’m speaking about, of course, Path to 9/11, or as I like to call it, It’s All Bill Clinton’s Fault. As a person immensely more fair and balanced than any mainstream media movie critic, I was selected to attend the Heritage’s pre-screening of the film, and although I don’t believe in hyperbole, I can say without hesitation that it is the greatest documentary ever made in the history of everything! Seriously, I love Keifer Sutherland’s completely-feasible Jack Bauer, but if the Emmys hadn’t been held last month, those responsible for Path to 9/11 would have been making a path to the acceptance podium!

The movie begins in the stately halls of Oxford University, where Bill Clinton and Osama bin Laden engage in late-night “rap sessions” regarding their shared hatred of America. At one point, Osama, wearing a stained blue dress, stops performing oral sex on the future President long enough to give a cryptic warning, “On September 11th, 2001 and with the complicit knowledge and backing of some guy named Saddam Hussein, my followers will crash planes into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon!” Clinton, portrayed with uncanny accuracy by the sublime Fred Thompson, predictably ignores the warning.

The film then fast-forwards to the 1990’s, where a victimized White House intern escapes from her forced oral pleasuring of the now-Creep-in-Chief Clinton long enough to advise him that a CIA field operative has the al-Qaeda leader in the sights of his rifle. “Aw, that’s just Binny being Binny,” Clinton sneers down at the terrified volunteer. “Now, stop being silly, and get back to Little Willy!”

The rest they say (“they” being former Republican Governor Thomas Keane,) is history. As every school child knows, moments after the first plane struck President Bush, without hesitation, tore off his break-away business suit in front of a classroom full of awed Florida students, revealing the form-fitting flight suit underneath. Jumping into the stealth fighter that always accompanies him, the President single-handedly shot down over 100 of Saddam’s incoming fighter jets, each of which was carrying enough nuclear, biological and chemical weapons to destroy our nation a thousand times over!

Seriously, folks, this is great cinema, made even more so by the fact that it’s all true! Personally, I can’t wait for the sequel.

Note: Rex is taking Saturday off with the intent of giving the very-pregnant Mrs. Danger-Seeker some aid and comfort...and maybe of watching a Rambo marathon. You can still get your daily dose of democracy, however, over at The Blue Republic!

DISGRACED GOVERNOR SWITCHES PARTIES

Illinois’ Ryan Now Just Another Crooked Democrat

(Chicago) In a scene reminiscent of a deathbed confession, former Illinois Governor George Ryan tearfully admitted at his sentencing that he is, and always has been, a member of the Democratic Party. “When they elected me as the governor of this state, they expected better, and I let 'em down and for that I apologize*,” the Land of Lincoln liberal offered in his courtroom mea culpa. “That said, all the tell-tale signs of being a Democrat have always been there. Like any good member of that party, I blame society for my ills!”

Ryan, sentenced to six and a half years for racketeering and other charges, started displaying his treasonous tendencies years ago when he not only released thirteen death row convicts, but commuted the sentences of 167 convicted killers who were deservedly awaiting execution. “We should have known then that Ryan was a hippie in Republican clothing,” hind-sighted Illinois Congressman and reformed Democrat Henry Hyde. Hyde, who served as House manager during the Clinton impeachment hearings, knows a thing or two about giving offenders a second chance. “If Slick Willy had been convicted, there’s little chance that this country would have been re-victimized by Hillary Clinton’s presence on the Senate floor,” reasonably explained Hyde.

Ryan’s criminal activities are also clear indications of his leftist leanings. “George Ryan has been convicted of steering government contracts to friends and business associates. This is something no Republican would ever do,” righteously asserted Vice President Dick Cheney during a break in a recent Halliburton stockholders’ meeting. “Just thinking about the disgrace he has brought down upon our party makes me want to shoot a lawyer in the face!”

Although his attorneys have argued that Ryan’s public humiliation is punishment enough, it is expected that the disgraced Democrat will spend the next six-plus years sharing a jail cell with another current Democrat, former Republican Congressman Randall “Duke” Cunningham. In addition, Ryan has been ordered to repay the state of Illinois $603,000 in restitution; however, like most hippies, he is currently poor.

* - Actual Quote

INFINITE OIL SUPPLY DISCOVERED!

US Tells OPEC To “Suck It!”

(Houston) Much to the dismay of enviro-fascist doomsayers who, aided and abetted by Al “Doom and Gloom” Gore, have questioned God’s ability to provide, the nation’s leading energy companies today announced the discovery of the largest oil find since Alaska a generation ago…and once again, in our own back yard. Experts believe that the Gulf of Mexico site, located 175 miles off the coast of Chocolate City, could supply the US for decades…or at least until the end of Jenna Bush’s second presidential term. “Based upon this find, we predict that soon America will become an oil-exporting nation,” soundly predicted World Bank president Paul Wolfowitz, who had prior to the discovery been concerned that in order to heat the US’ homes this winter he might have to tap into the reserve located in his hair. “Why, I suspect in the coming months we’ll be giving oil to Venezuela’s poor, instead of the other way around!”



News of the historic mother lode’s location had profound effect of all sectors of the world’s economy and political fronts. Oil rose to $876 a barrel in open trading, in an attempt to buffer against expected fuel cost drops. Hummer of America announced that they would finally bring their super-sized SUV, the 36-cylinder “Gotterdamarung,” to market. Hummer boasted that this new offering gets approximately 15 feet per gallon (highway,) and actually makes trees scream as it passes. Also, Defense Secretary Rumsfeld announced that the military was abandoning plans to invade Iran, Nigeria and Russia, for although no one can deny that they still hate our freedom, “let’s face it, we don’t need their oil anymore….yet” explained Rumsfeld.

Surprisingly, not everyone was elated by the euphoric eureka. Tree-huggers complained that with the debunking of their “limited oil theory” they have been forced to embrace a radical new war cry…”too much oil!” According to Greenpeace spokes-hippie Dan Rather, a global oil glut will only encourage consumption, and decrease funding for alternative fuel sources. Unfortunately, this reporter did not hear all of Rather’s remarks, as his idling Hummer Gotterdamarung drowned out any sound other than America’s victory over nature.

TERRORISTS CAUGHT WITH THEIR PANTS DOWN!

Suspects Financed Terror with Viagra, Face Stiff Penalty

(Montreal) Like the old saying goes, “spare the rod, spoil the terrorists.”

That’s the attitude American and Canadian prosecutors are taking, as they plan on sticking it to a terrorist ring that funded Hezbollah through black-market sales of counterfeit Viagra. “These little pricks are both dope-pushers, counterfeiters AND terrorists. They need to hung…well hung,” dead-panned Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. Gonzales, a hard man with a hard job, promised that the offenders would be punished for their anti-American boners. “Oh yes, they will serve a long, hard sentence, with little or no chance of sweet, sweet release.”



Thus far, federal agents have been unable to obtain any useful information from the suspects during their lengthy interrogations. “They’re all hard as rocks,” commented one envious law enforcement officer. The agent, however, was of the firm belief that the detainees would “soften up eventually.”

In Washington speaking at the proudly-upright Washington Monument, Vice President “Big Dick” Cheney applauded the work of law enforcement in keeping America safe from terrorists. “Someday, Americans will erect monuments to these heroes,” predicted the Veep, adding that police everywhere have been “pitching tents” on our borders and coasts since 9/11. “These folks refuse to stand down, despite what the limp media has to say.” Cheney, whose speeches can go on for hours, unfortunately had to cut this most recent one short…but as we all know, that happens to every man sometimes.

SUNDAY SG EDITORIAL: RUMMY MUST GO

Appeasement of Democrats the Final Straw

We here at Spurious George are big fans of Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. There are few offices at SG HQ that do not display some kind of homage to this great man, from the obligatory framed and autographed photo, to the life-sized cardboards cutout the DefSec passed out during his most recent visit to the office.

(On a side note, I have a message to the SG staffer who staged “Cardboard Rummy” and “Cardboard Condi” in, well, let’s just call it a “coalition of the willing” position. Very unprofessional, and I can assure you that Baby Jesus would most certainly not approve.)

Yes, we’ve always been very fond of “the Donald,” and by that we don’t mean Trump. However, perhaps it’s time to steal a line from New York worst toupee and sadly say, “Mr. Rumsfeld, you’re fired!” Yes, Spurious George is calling for Donald Rumsfeld’s resignation, but certainly not for the inflated laundry list of complaints the peaceniks have spun from tie-dyed cloth. No, as far as we’re concerned, prisoner-of-war “abuse,” incompetent post-combat planning and Nazi-laced demagoguery are normal, and necessary, aspects of war. What will always get our navy blue blazer in a bunch, however, is any attempt to appease the party of cutting and running. Even Jesus couldn’t forgive that sin!

In a letter sent to top Congressional Democrats (and intercepted by Spurious George by authority of the Patriot Act,) Rumsfeld did the unthinkable by attempting to soften the appropriate words he used to describe the party of Howard Dean (i.e. “pussies”) during a recent speech to combat veterans. “I know you agree that with America under attack and U.S. troops in the field, our national debate on this should be constructive,” namby-pambily wrote Rumsfeld to Democratic leaders. We here at SG, of course, are inherently opposed to writing letters, but are especially disgusted by any that invite traitors to debate. What next, Rummy? Will Osama be invited to the Pentagon for a strategy session?

As always, Spurious George would rather light the flame of liberty than curse the darkness of islamo-fascism. That’s why, while we call for an end to Rumsfeld’s meritorious (and, no doubt Presidential Medal of Freedom-winning) career at the Defense Department, we can heartily endorse a replacement. Our choice is a man who gives no quarter to the wants and needs of the Democrats, or for that matter, the majority of ill-informed Americans. For the next Secretary of Defense for this Bush President and the next (Jeb) Bush President, we nominate….Joe Lieberman!

Note to BLOGGER bloggers: Missing Rex Kramer's comments at you blog? Blame BLOGGER BETA. On average, it takes 3-5 attempts to log on to any given comment section...if I can log on at all. The "remember me?" box? It's clearly for decoration, it seems. If you haven't made the switch to BETA, for the love of God and country DON'T DO IT!!!

KLASSIC KRAMER

Note: Today, Rex Kramer is doing his part to fight the terrorists by watching football. The following “Klassic Kramer” article originally ran on November 21, 2005.

Hillary Would Be Fattest President

(Sacramento) Conservative fitness buff Rush Limbaugh today released a study of potential 2008 presidential candidates that strongly indicated that, if elected, Hillary Clinton would ultimately become America’s most portly president.

“Compared side by beefy side, William Howard Taft would be called svelte,” opined the hunky health guru, who hosts a humble self-help radio show aimed at the timid and unopinionated. “I’m not so sure that’s the kind of role model our citizens deserve. I’m just thinking about the children here, people.”



Clinton, who currently crushed the scale at an estimated 350 pounds, would almost certainly add unsightly fat upon taking office. Said Bob Woodward in advance of his latest book, “Things I’ve Never Heard in the White House,” “I’ve never actually been to the White House, but I hear the chefs whips up some tasty desserts. Frankly, I just don’t think that Hillary lacks the willpower.”

President Bush, who could not be reached for comment as he was busy lugging a 200-pound rucksack through the mountains of Mongolia in his never-ending search for Osama bin Laden, is usually held up as the picture of presidential health. In addition to the silver decathlon medal he won in 1968, Bush is the veteran of eighteen Iron Man triathlons, and is currently the world record-holder in the 100m breaststroke.

Marveled California governor and bodybuilder of some ability Arnold Schwarzenegger, “I have seen the man with his shirt off, and let me tell you something, instead of ‘Hail to the Chief,’ they should call it ‘Hail to the Beefcake!” The governor then went on to explain that he meant nothing sexual by the remark, and that he would never consider groping the president.

Senator Clinton, reached at a local Haagen-Dazs ice creamery where a 20,000 calorie sundae is most likely named in her “honor,” refused to comment, filled as her mouth probably was with caramel and hot fudge.

PIGSKIN, PABST AND PRE-TEEN PARTIES!

Rex Blows Off the Masses for a Day or Two

(Orlando) Here at Spurious George HQ, we’ve had September 2 circled on our Katherine Harris cheesecake calendar for months now. The day kicks off with Rex Kramer’s eldest daughter’s birthday party here at the Kramerica Kompound, eases into a Citrus Bowl tailgate party for UCF’s football opener, and ends at a local (undisclosed location) bar to watch the satellite feed from Gainesville, where Rex’s alma mater (the ass-kicking Gators of the University of Florida) will be taking Southern Mississippi behind the woodshed. While we, like the President, will of course be thinking of ways to keep America safe from the islamo-fascists, we’ll be doing so while drinking cheap beer and ogling sorority girls. God, I love this country!

Sadly, this means that there will be little time for educating the ill-informed hippie masses here at the Spurious George site. However, you can still feel the Joy of Rex by visiting The Blue Republic, where you will be astounded by Rex Kramer’s admission that he adores a certain Senator from New York!

Note: While Rex is otherwise occupied, SG will publish a "Classic Kramer" piece from the original Spurious George site. Sure, it may be a repeat, but since nobody read it the first time, it'll be new to you!