KLASSIC KRAMER

Note: Today, Rex Kramer is doing his part to fight the terrorists by watching football. The following “Klassic Kramer” article originally ran on November 21, 2005.

Hillary Would Be Fattest President

(Sacramento) Conservative fitness buff Rush Limbaugh today released a study of potential 2008 presidential candidates that strongly indicated that, if elected, Hillary Clinton would ultimately become America’s most portly president.

“Compared side by beefy side, William Howard Taft would be called svelte,” opined the hunky health guru, who hosts a humble self-help radio show aimed at the timid and unopinionated. “I’m not so sure that’s the kind of role model our citizens deserve. I’m just thinking about the children here, people.”



Clinton, who currently crushed the scale at an estimated 350 pounds, would almost certainly add unsightly fat upon taking office. Said Bob Woodward in advance of his latest book, “Things I’ve Never Heard in the White House,” “I’ve never actually been to the White House, but I hear the chefs whips up some tasty desserts. Frankly, I just don’t think that Hillary lacks the willpower.”

President Bush, who could not be reached for comment as he was busy lugging a 200-pound rucksack through the mountains of Mongolia in his never-ending search for Osama bin Laden, is usually held up as the picture of presidential health. In addition to the silver decathlon medal he won in 1968, Bush is the veteran of eighteen Iron Man triathlons, and is currently the world record-holder in the 100m breaststroke.

Marveled California governor and bodybuilder of some ability Arnold Schwarzenegger, “I have seen the man with his shirt off, and let me tell you something, instead of ‘Hail to the Chief,’ they should call it ‘Hail to the Beefcake!” The governor then went on to explain that he meant nothing sexual by the remark, and that he would never consider groping the president.

Senator Clinton, reached at a local Haagen-Dazs ice creamery where a 20,000 calorie sundae is most likely named in her “honor,” refused to comment, filled as her mouth probably was with caramel and hot fudge.