Tuesday, September 05, 2006


US Tells OPEC To “Suck It!”

(Houston) Much to the dismay of enviro-fascist doomsayers who, aided and abetted by Al “Doom and Gloom” Gore, have questioned God’s ability to provide, the nation’s leading energy companies today announced the
discovery of the largest oil find since Alaska a generation ago…and once again, in our own back yard. Experts believe that the Gulf of Mexico site, located 175 miles off the coast of Chocolate City, could supply the US for decades…or at least until the end of Jenna Bush’s second presidential term. “Based upon this find, we predict that soon America will become an oil-exporting nation,” soundly predicted World Bank president Paul Wolfowitz, who had prior to the discovery been concerned that in order to heat the US’ homes this winter he might have to tap into the reserve located in his hair. “Why, I suspect in the coming months we’ll be giving oil to Venezuela’s poor, instead of the other way around!”

News of the historic mother lode’s location had profound effect of all sectors of the world’s economy and political fronts. Oil rose to $876 a barrel in open trading, in an attempt to buffer against expected fuel cost drops. Hummer of America announced that they would finally bring their super-sized SUV, the 36-cylinder “Gotterdamarung,” to market. Hummer boasted that this new offering gets approximately 15 feet per gallon (highway,) and actually makes trees scream as it passes. Also, Defense Secretary Rumsfeld announced that the military was abandoning plans to invade Iran, Nigeria and Russia, for although no one can deny that they still hate our freedom, “let’s face it, we don’t need their oil anymore….yet” explained Rumsfeld.

Surprisingly, not everyone was elated by the euphoric eureka. Tree-huggers complained that with the debunking of their “limited oil theory” they have been forced to embrace a radical new war cry…”too much oil!” According to Greenpeace spokes-hippie Dan Rather, a global oil glut will only encourage consumption, and decrease funding for alternative fuel sources. Unfortunately, this reporter did not hear all of Rather’s remarks, as his idling Hummer Gotterdamarung drowned out any sound other than America’s victory over nature.


At 9:30 AM, Blogger pissed off patricia said...

Yeah man! First thing I did was order a fleet of the new momma screwin' Hummer's. Turned my ac to the lowest temp and opened all my windows. All the lights in the house are on and will be 24/7. I'll just keep leaving the dryer running whether there are clothes in there or not. I'm a good American! With oil, and energy in general, use it or lose it.

Happy wasteful days are here again!
God bless amurica. Amen!

At 8:00 PM, Blogger Lew Scannon said...

Of course lower pump prices won't reach America because of this until right before the invasion of Iran drives oil prices up again.

At 8:33 PM, Blogger Kvatch said...

You know...has anybody given any thought to just draining the Gulf of Mexico? Imagine the benefits...gonna make getting to that new field a heckuva lot easier, and for NOLA...don't even get me started.

At 9:21 PM, Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

POP: That's the spirit! And to think I once questioned your patriotism!

Lew: Dammit, who leaked that? Was it Armitage again?!?

Kvatch: Excellent idea, but that would just create another land bridge to facilitate illegal entry by the Mexi-fascists!

At 7:51 AM, Blogger Blueberry said...

We can still invade all those places to convert them to Christianity. Let's not forget the Crusade!

At 10:17 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yup at our curent rate of oil use it will last a whopping 2 years. So don't trade in that Hybrid just yet.


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