INFINITE OIL SUPPLY DISCOVERED!
US Tells OPEC To “Suck It!”
(Houston) Much to the dismay of enviro-fascist doomsayers who, aided and abetted by Al “Doom and Gloom” Gore, have questioned God’s ability to provide, the nation’s leading energy companies today announced the discovery of the largest oil find since Alaska a generation ago…and once again, in our own back yard. Experts believe that the Gulf of Mexico site, located 175 miles off the coast of Chocolate City, could supply the US for decades…or at least until the end of Jenna Bush’s second presidential term. “Based upon this find, we predict that soon America will become an oil-exporting nation,” soundly predicted World Bank president Paul Wolfowitz, who had prior to the discovery been concerned that in order to heat the US’ homes this winter he might have to tap into the reserve located in his hair. “Why, I suspect in the coming months we’ll be giving oil to Venezuela’s poor, instead of the other way around!”
News of the historic mother lode’s location had profound effect of all sectors of the world’s economy and political fronts. Oil rose to $876 a barrel in open trading, in an attempt to buffer against expected fuel cost drops. Hummer of America announced that they would finally bring their super-sized SUV, the 36-cylinder “Gotterdamarung,” to market. Hummer boasted that this new offering gets approximately 15 feet per gallon (highway,) and actually makes trees scream as it passes. Also, Defense Secretary Rumsfeld announced that the military was abandoning plans to invade Iran, Nigeria and Russia, for although no one can deny that they still hate our freedom, “let’s face it, we don’t need their oil anymore….yet” explained Rumsfeld.
Surprisingly, not everyone was elated by the euphoric eureka. Tree-huggers complained that with the debunking of their “limited oil theory” they have been forced to embrace a radical new war cry…”too much oil!” According to Greenpeace spokes-hippie Dan Rather, a global oil glut will only encourage consumption, and decrease funding for alternative fuel sources. Unfortunately, this reporter did not hear all of Rather’s remarks, as his idling Hummer Gotterdamarung drowned out any sound other than America’s victory over nature.