TODAY IN REVISIONIST HISTORY

September 11, 2006

Today is September 11, 2006. There are only 104 shopping days until Christmas, but still 296 shopping days until President Bush’s birthday. On today’s date in history…

1609: Henry Hudson discovers Manhattan Island. As these were the days before Rudolph Giuliani brought law and order to the island, Hudson was mugged and left for dead near what would become Battery Park.

1773: Benjamin Franklin writes, “There never was a good war or bad peace.” He thus secures his place as the patron saint of future hippies.

1789: Alexander Hamilton appointed Secretary of the Treasury. His successful campaign against “tax and spend Whigs” earns him Aaron Burr’s coveted spot on the $10 bill.


1814: Americans defeat British in the Battle of Lake Champlain. Vanquished English forces sign the “Lap Dog Treaty,” a compact in effect to this day.

1875: First cartoon strip appears in a US newspaper. Historians note that this was the last time Doonesbury was funny.

1918: The Boston Red Sox defeat the Chicago Cubs to win the World Series. Confident his team is destined to become a dynasty, the team owner (John Kerry’s great-grandfather) trades “extra baggage” Babe Ruth to the Yankees.

1919: US Marines invade Honduras. Pentagon officials still fully expect that oil revenues will eventually pay for the ongoing rebuilding efforts in that country.

1941: Charles Lindbergh charges "the British, the Jews & the Roosevelt administration" are trying to get the US into WW II. Lindbergh is immediately signed to host his own Fox News show.

1941: Months before Pearl Harbor, FDR orders any Axis ship found in American waters be shot on sight. That’s right, hippies, “pre-emptive war” is an American institution!

1951: Florence Chadwick becomes 1st woman to swim the English Channel. Upon returning home, she becomes first woman to tell her husband, “make your own damn sandwich!”

1977: TV’s “Rhoda” gets divorced…probably because she wouldn’t make her husband a sandwich!

1985: Pete Rose of the Cincinnati Reds gets his record-breaking 4,192nd hit. Dorothy Hamill subsequently sues the slugger for unauthorized use of her famous hair-do.

1991: LaToya Jackson’s “Growing Up in the Jackson Family” goes on sale. This, most Americans assume, is the worst thing that will ever happen.

2001: Al Qaeda terrorists, sheltered by the Taliban and financed by Saddam Hussein, crash four planes on US soil. Almost immediately it becomes clear that this is all Bill Clinton’s fault.