Friday, September 08, 2006


Rex Reviews “Path to 9/11”

If you haven’t been to the Heritage Foundation’s private Ronald Reagan Theater, you simply must go, as it’s an architectural homage to the days when “a night at the movies” didn’t expose the film-goer to a sinful smorgasbord of nudity, foul language, and Ben Affleck. From the smartly-attired ushers to the Fox-produced newsreels to the “whites only” section, everything about “the Ron” harkens back to a day when America was less liberal, and thus, infinitely better. It’s the perfect environment for taking in a Left Behind double feature, an
Ernest P. Worrell retrospective, or my personal favorite, a factual representation of the events leading up to 9/11, based mostly on the findings of the 9/11 Commission.

I’m speaking about, of course, Path to 9/11, or as I like to call it, It’s All Bill Clinton’s Fault. As a person immensely more fair and balanced than any mainstream media movie critic, I was selected to attend the Heritage’s pre-screening of the film, and although I don’t believe in hyperbole, I can say without hesitation that it is the greatest documentary ever made in the history of everything! Seriously, I love Keifer Sutherland’s completely-feasible Jack Bauer, but if the Emmys hadn’t been held last month, those responsible for Path to 9/11 would have been making a path to the acceptance podium!

The movie begins in the stately halls of Oxford University, where Bill Clinton and Osama bin Laden engage in late-night “rap sessions” regarding their shared hatred of America. At one point, Osama, wearing a stained blue dress, stops performing oral sex on the future President long enough to give a cryptic warning, “On September 11th, 2001 and with the complicit knowledge and backing of some guy named Saddam Hussein, my followers will crash planes into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon!” Clinton, portrayed with uncanny accuracy by
the sublime Fred Thompson, predictably ignores the warning.

The film then fast-forwards to the 1990’s, where a victimized White House intern escapes from her forced oral pleasuring of the now-Creep-in-Chief Clinton long enough to advise him that a CIA field operative has the al-Qaeda leader in the sights of his rifle. “Aw, that’s just Binny being Binny,” Clinton sneers down at the terrified volunteer. “Now, stop being silly, and get back to Little Willy!”

The rest they say (“they” being former Republican Governor Thomas Keane,) is history. As every school child knows, moments after the first plane struck President Bush, without hesitation, tore off his break-away business suit in front of a classroom full of awed Florida students, revealing the form-fitting flight suit underneath. Jumping into the stealth fighter that always accompanies him, the President single-handedly shot down over 100 of Saddam’s incoming fighter jets, each of which was carrying enough nuclear, biological and chemical weapons to destroy our nation a thousand times over!

Seriously, folks, this is great cinema, made even more so by the fact that it’s all true! Personally, I can’t wait for the sequel.

Note: Rex is taking Saturday off with the intent of giving the very-pregnant Mrs. Danger-Seeker some aid and comfort...and maybe of watching a Rambo marathon. You can still get your daily dose of democracy, however, over at The Blue Republic!


At 11:17 AM, Blogger pissed off patricia said...

So that pic of bush sitting there with his thumb up his ass at the school that morning in florida is not real? The one where we see the puddle of yellow liquid below his chair, all that is fake?

Yep, next movie they make they will prove that bill clinton was steering the Titanic and he also caused the great stock market crash too.

If they want to get my ire up at President Clinton, they need to make a movie showing that it was clinton's fault that george and babs didn't use a condom the night they conceived george.

At 4:12 PM, Blogger AJ said...

“Now, stop being silly, and get back to Little Willy!”

Typical female responses at the most inappropriate times.
Why can't they just finish the job at hand??

Anyway Rex, If your beloved happens-just happens- to deliver your new tax deduction next Sunday-that is September 17th, she-or he- will share the same Virgo heritage with me-yours truly.
It will make it easier to remember when you send gifts.

At 5:18 PM, Blogger abi said...

This should be added to your Klassic Kramer collection. ;-)

PoP, the pic of Bush sitting deer-eyed at the school was, of course, just moments before he sprang into action. And the yellow liquid was actually a surge of excess testosterone. Damn liberal press never gets it right.

At 6:34 PM, Anonymous Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

POP: Let's not forget Slick Willy's part in bring about Pearl Harbor. Seriously, the man is like a reverse Forrest Gump.

AJ: Next weekend's actually a pretty good bet (my money's on the 15th.)

ABI: There is nothing yellow about George W. Bush (although, to be fair, he did propose the national anthemn be changed to "The Yellow Rose of Texas.")


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