SG GOES TO THE MOVIES

Rex Reviews “Path to 9/11”

If you haven’t been to the Heritage Foundation’s private Ronald Reagan Theater, you simply must go, as it’s an architectural homage to the days when “a night at the movies” didn’t expose the film-goer to a sinful smorgasbord of nudity, foul language, and Ben Affleck. From the smartly-attired ushers to the Fox-produced newsreels to the “whites only” section, everything about “the Ron” harkens back to a day when America was less liberal, and thus, infinitely better. It’s the perfect environment for taking in a Left Behind double feature, an Ernest P. Worrell retrospective, or my personal favorite, a factual representation of the events leading up to 9/11, based mostly on the findings of the 9/11 Commission.

I’m speaking about, of course, Path to 9/11, or as I like to call it, It’s All Bill Clinton’s Fault. As a person immensely more fair and balanced than any mainstream media movie critic, I was selected to attend the Heritage’s pre-screening of the film, and although I don’t believe in hyperbole, I can say without hesitation that it is the greatest documentary ever made in the history of everything! Seriously, I love Keifer Sutherland’s completely-feasible Jack Bauer, but if the Emmys hadn’t been held last month, those responsible for Path to 9/11 would have been making a path to the acceptance podium!

The movie begins in the stately halls of Oxford University, where Bill Clinton and Osama bin Laden engage in late-night “rap sessions” regarding their shared hatred of America. At one point, Osama, wearing a stained blue dress, stops performing oral sex on the future President long enough to give a cryptic warning, “On September 11th, 2001 and with the complicit knowledge and backing of some guy named Saddam Hussein, my followers will crash planes into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon!” Clinton, portrayed with uncanny accuracy by the sublime Fred Thompson, predictably ignores the warning.

The film then fast-forwards to the 1990’s, where a victimized White House intern escapes from her forced oral pleasuring of the now-Creep-in-Chief Clinton long enough to advise him that a CIA field operative has the al-Qaeda leader in the sights of his rifle. “Aw, that’s just Binny being Binny,” Clinton sneers down at the terrified volunteer. “Now, stop being silly, and get back to Little Willy!”

The rest they say (“they” being former Republican Governor Thomas Keane,) is history. As every school child knows, moments after the first plane struck President Bush, without hesitation, tore off his break-away business suit in front of a classroom full of awed Florida students, revealing the form-fitting flight suit underneath. Jumping into the stealth fighter that always accompanies him, the President single-handedly shot down over 100 of Saddam’s incoming fighter jets, each of which was carrying enough nuclear, biological and chemical weapons to destroy our nation a thousand times over!

Seriously, folks, this is great cinema, made even more so by the fact that it’s all true! Personally, I can’t wait for the sequel.

Note: Rex is taking Saturday off with the intent of giving the very-pregnant Mrs. Danger-Seeker some aid and comfort...and maybe of watching a Rambo marathon. You can still get your daily dose of democracy, however, over at The Blue Republic!