Wednesday, September 06, 2006

DISGRACED GOVERNOR SWITCHES PARTIES

Illinois’ Ryan Now Just Another Crooked Democrat

(Chicago) In a scene reminiscent of a deathbed confession, former Illinois Governor George Ryan tearfully admitted at his sentencing that he is, and always has been, a member of the Democratic Party. “When they elected me as the governor of this state, they expected better, and I let 'em down and for that I apologize*,” the Land of Lincoln liberal offered in his courtroom mea culpa. “That said, all the tell-tale signs of being a Democrat have always been there. Like any good member of that party, I blame society for my ills!”

Ryan, sentenced to six and a half years for racketeering and other charges, started displaying his treasonous tendencies years ago when he not only released thirteen death row convicts, but commuted the sentences of 167 convicted killers who were deservedly awaiting execution. “We should have known then that Ryan was a hippie in Republican clothing,” hind-sighted Illinois Congressman and reformed Democrat Henry Hyde. Hyde, who served as House manager during the Clinton impeachment hearings, knows a thing or two about giving offenders a second chance. “If Slick Willy had been convicted, there’s little chance that this country would have been re-victimized by Hillary Clinton’s presence on the Senate floor,” reasonably explained Hyde.

Ryan’s criminal activities are also clear indications of his leftist leanings. “George Ryan has been convicted of steering government contracts to friends and business associates. This is something no Republican would ever do,” righteously asserted Vice President Dick Cheney during a break in a recent Halliburton stockholders’ meeting. “Just thinking about the disgrace he has brought down upon our party makes me want to shoot a lawyer in the face!”

Although his attorneys have argued that Ryan’s public humiliation is punishment enough, it is expected that the disgraced Democrat will spend the next six-plus years sharing a jail cell with another current Democrat, former Republican Congressman Randall “Duke” Cunningham. In addition, Ryan has been ordered to repay the state of Illinois $603,000 in restitution; however, like most hippies, he is currently poor.

* - Actual Quote

5 Comments:

At 1:03 AM, Blogger Dude said...

Ryan's got one thing going for him. He's too ugly to be anyone's prison bitch.

 
At 7:37 AM, Anonymous elizabethbranford said...

You dont see their faces Dude, and let's be honest. From their angle, all men are ugly.

Ah, Kramer. You nailed another scoop.

Of Rocky Road, that is. Step away from the trimester rations.

 
At 9:15 AM, Blogger AJ said...

Corruption? In Illinois? i dont believe it.

I am reminded of one (very small & buried) article from years back when I graced Chicagoland with my presence...
They were taking bids on automatic paper toilet seat covers that were installed at O'Hare Int. Airport.
Seems like the winning bid went to a local concern, who, incidentally had the previous bid, even though the German company's bid was millions less than the winning one. A government official discounted any criticism citing the "enormous complexities occurred during installation."

A spokesman for the German Company said: " I just don't understand American commerce. How hard is it to plug a motor into a wall socket?"


*true story.

 
At 12:03 PM, Anonymous The Definitive Rectum of Charles Grodin said...

Public humiliation is never enough punishment. Neither is disgrace, the dragging down of one's good name, the utterance of pathetic sob addled mea culpas or the thrill of a perp walk.

No- only Bubba justice will do. The pen. The pen I say!

And not the kind that is mightier than the sword, but the kind that wields the..um.."sword".

 
At 7:25 PM, Anonymous Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Dude: I agree; he reminds me of a male Madeline Albright!

EB: Actually, the flavor du jor is Peanut Butter Cup here at the Kramerica Kompound. However, until they make beer-flavored low-lactose ice cream, I'm not propping up the Ben and Jerry hippie ice cream cartel!

AJ: Or so the Germans would have you believe!

Grodin's Rectum: Everyone knows Bubba did not get the justice he deserved. I mean, a failed impeachment? Bah!

 

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