SUNDAY SG EDITORIAL: A NEW NAME FOR TERROR

Much has recently been made of the Bush administration’s attempts to effectively label the forces of evil arrayed against the United States and her allies. When “terrorist” was struck down by the pre-Roberts’ Supreme Court as “void for vagueness,” the Federal Bureau of Buzz Words combed the Dr. Seuss Thesaurus of Made-Up Words for suitable replacements. What followed were serviceable, if not inspiring terms such as insurgent, rejectionist, defeatist, jihadists, Islamic fascist, and ultimately, “islamo-fascist.” While we here at SG have, as ordered by the Department of Homeland Security’s Propaganda Division, used these terms on a daily basis, as professional journalists we have always felt that they lacked a certain intellectual integrity. For example, Democrats hate our freedom, but can they really be described as “islamo-fascists?” The mainstream media clearly give aid and comfort to the enemy, but can we in good faith label them “jihadists?” What’s needed is a term or phrase that encompasses all of America’s enemies…which is why Spurious George endorses “Haters of Happiness!”

This, we believe, defines the “genius of simplicity” people the world-over associate with the current administration. “Haters of Happiness” (pronounced “hoes,”) we believe, is a fitting description for those whose only objective is to harsh America’s mellow. It is the common thread that binds the Talibani warlord to the anti-corporate environmentalist, the Sunni suicide bomber to the San Francisco city councilman. While some wish to see America burn and others hope to see it flooded (in tie-dyed regalia,) all would like nothing better than to see all America-loving patriots become as miserable as they are. While we suspect such an event would do wonders for our pharmaceutical stock holdings, in times of war we must believe in things bigger than our investment portfolio (although, admittedly, this makes us unhappy….damn those H.O.H.s!)

Obviously, once the enemy is properly identified the plan of battle becomes clearer. To defeat the H.O.H. forces, we need only to revel in our happiness. This is best accomplished, we believe, by continuing to make purchases we can’t afford (but make us happy,) driving ego-boosting SUVs from the driveway to the mailbox, and above all else, believing firmly that “everything’s gonna be alright” despite all evidence to the contrary. Only then can we defeat the damn, dirty H.O.H.s!