In this, the second installment of a 50-part (non-consecutive series,) Spurious George continues its attempt to answer the previously- unanswerable question; which state is the most patriotic. Last time we visited Kentucky (August 16th)…today we rate Indiana’s dedication to freedom!
(Bloomington, IN) Not long ago, the most explosive and unstable element in the state was Indiana University’s head basketball coach, Bobby Knight. While the Hoosier hoops hothead was known for tossing around chairs and four-letter words with impunity, but never in his wildest dreams did he light up 700 tons of ammonium nitrate and fuel oil inside the bowels of a limestone quarry! “It’s gonna be one hot potato(e) of a time,” patriotically yee-hawed former Vice President Dan Quayle.
While the $23 million project conducted by the military, code-named “Divine Strake,” is officially a test of something called “Tunnel Target Defeat Advanced Concept Technology,” Spurious George has learned that for the more God-fearing/Republican residents of the Hoosier State the blast represents a chance to prove once and for all that we humans did not descend from the south-end of a north-bound red-assed baboon. “We’ve heard the hippies say that the universe began with a ‘Big Bang,” scoffed intellectually-designed Senator Richard Lugar (R-IN.) “Well, we’ll see about that. If 700 tons of some seriously-explosive shit doesn’t form a new universe, well, chalk up another victory for Jesus!”
Not all Champions of Christ, however, welcomed the news that Indiana had been selected as the test site. “Why can’t we do this in San Francisco’s Castro District, New York City’s Village Green, or Miami’s South Beach?” reasonably asked Secretary of Church and State Pat Robertson, a long-time proponent of incendiary urban renewal. Robertson also expressed concern that a blast of such magnitude might actually open up a gateway to hell. “Even more reason to do this in some hippie town,” explained Jesus’ official mouthpiece. “If they’re in such a hurry to get to hell, I say let’s open up an expressway!”
(Undisclosed Location) According to the polls that are read daily by President Bush (a voracious reader) and other leading Republicans, Americans are becoming increasingly concerned about gas prices as the traditional travel holidays approach. Always responsive to the needs of middle and low class Americans, GOP lawmakers have been quietly and without fanfare laying the groundwork for a significant drop in fuel prices prior to Election Day. “Clearly, we’re in the last throes of high prices at the pump,” confidently asserted Vice President and the nation’s energy czar Dick Cheney. “The worst case scenario is that premium will be selling a $1 per gallon by the time Americans go to the polls. More than likely, we’ll be giving gas away.”
Addressing the predictable conspiracy theories put forth by Democrats regarding the “suspicious” timing of the price drops, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) questioned the priorities of the opposition party. “It seems that Democrats would rather be in power than have all Americans enjoy access to cheap, or possibly even free fuel.” Frist, who has long blamed inflated gas prices on the liberals’ inexcusable appeasement to the islamo-fascist oil cartels, testified that the President’s vision for an America-friendly Middle East has once again proven that the Democrats are incapable of leading this country. “If it were up to them,” truthfully opined the Tennessee oracle, “we’d be buying gas at $5 a gallon from Osama himself.”
(Buffalo) Citizens of Connecticut who doubt insurgent candidate Ned Lamont’s America-hating bona fides should now have all the evidence they need, as Spurious George has learned that the Che Guevera disciple is now in bed with America’s pre-eminent freedom-hater, Senator Hillary Clinton (not literally “in bed,” of course. I mean, we here at SG are fairly certain that Ned’s not Hillary’s type. Wink, wink!) The two titans of treason recently met at a cheap airport motel under the guise of discussing strategy for Lamont’s commie crusade against fair-and-balanced Joe Lieberman. However, through a hotel staffer SG was able to learn (albeit hampered by a language barrier) that the pair of patriotism-haters may have been making plans for beyond 2006. “Servicio de habitación, Senor Kramer,” tipped the anonymous informant through a chained and bolted hotel room door, which intrepid reporter Rex Kramer (Non-Spanish-Speaker) later interpreted to mean “The man-woman and the effeminate man will be on the 2008 presidential ticket!”
News of this duo of democracy-destroying’s plans came as a shock to former President Bill Clinton, who has recently been touring Connecticut sorority houses in support of his good friend Joe Lieberman. “I feel Joe Lieberman’s pain. I know what it’s like when a blowjob, whether received by the President, or in Joe’s case, giving one to the President, can ruin your legacy.” Clinton stated that he would continue to work toward Lieberman’s re-election, but admitted that doing so might cause some tension in the Clinton household. “Please don’t tell Hillary I’m behind Joe,” pleaded the former President to this reporter. “She might make me be the woman. Again.”
(Tehran) Spurious George had learned that not only does Iran intend to continue its development of nuclear weapons, it is actively working on a delivery system that could lay waste to every US city with little or no advance warning. As the Iranian navy test-launched a long-range missile from a submarine based in the Persian Gulf, freedom-loving people everywhere are asking the question, “Iran has a navy? With submarines? When did this happen?” As it so happens Iran’s entire fleet of 10 Russian submarines were purchased from North Korea in 1993; it is believed that at the time of the deal, President Clinton was distracted by two runaway teenage lesbian midgets who were “sleeping” in the Lincoln bedroom. “That deal never would’ve happened under our watch,” grumbled Vice President Dick Cheney. “I mean, who would buy crappy commie subs when there are superior American-made ones available. I have no doubt that Halliburton could’ve gotten them a sweet deal, subsidized by the American taxpayer, no less!” As President of the Senate, Cheney stated that he intended to call Congress back into session to debate whether or not Clinton should be impeached for the damage caused to the defense contractor economy.
While the capabilities of the new Iranian rocket are not fully known, many in the business of keeping the homeland safe believe it could strike most US cities on the east coast, and more importantly, Iraqi oil fields that have already been parsed out to administration-friendly oil conglomerates. “We will not sit idly by while the islamo-fascist blow up our pipelines, which, I should point out, are in excellent condition,” asserted BP spokesman Tony Blair. “We demand that all government funds currently allocated to the Hurricane Katrina recovery efforts be re-directed to the re-implementation of the Star Wars program!”
On news that an attack on the oil supply was imminent, prices for crude rose to $1,087 a barrel in open trading. Stocks-watchers called this a mere market adjustment, but warned that further adjustments may be necessary if Hurricane Ernesto strikes the US or if Iran turns Boston into a smoldering cinder.
(Nairobi, Kenya) Republicans concerned about the upcoming mid-term elections mouth-breathed a sigh of relief, secure (like our borders) in the knowledge that at least the White House will be in GOP hands until at least 2012. Patriotic conservative leaders had been worried about the meteoric rise of Barrack Obama’s popularity, but are now content that his presidential aspirations have been dashed by news that the Illinois Senator might have AIDS. While details, like the Democrats’ political platform, are still fuzzy, Spurious George has been able to confirm that Obama recently traveled to Kenya, where he was tested for the dreaded HIV virus. Results of the test are not yet known, and may not be known for some time; Kenyan health officials have complained that the country’s only laboratory is critically short of the medicine men and chicken bones necessary to process the large number of samples submitted by visiting Democrats. “Click-click-click-a-ooga,” raged the lab’s director, clearly upset by the chaos the Senator’s photo-op visit has caused.
Most conservatives expressed sympathy for Obama’s possible infection, for as true Christians they have been taught to hate the sin and not the sinner. Still, political pundits couldn’t help but weigh in regarding how this development might hinder what was once a promising future. “Whether he got it from unprotected anal sex, unprotected hooker sex, or sharing a needle with Ted Kennedy, HIV means Obama’s hopes for the White House are DOA,” pronounced Sen. Bill Frist (R-TN,) who as a doctor knows a dead-man-walking when he sees one. Frist immediately introduced legislation that would keep Obama literally “on the other side of the aisle” for the remainder of his Senate term, lest he infect his more America-loving (and intravenous drug-hating) colleagues.
Others, however weren’t as open-minded as Senator Frist. “I’m black. I’m a politician. I’m AIDS-free,” proudly announced former presidential candidate Alan Keyes who, despite being an African-American, does not hate America. “Why aren’t I mentioned as a serious contender for the White House? If you ask me, Barrack’s affliction was God’s way of telling him to know his place…which obviously is the nearest steambath/crack house.”
Note: Even Rex Kramer (Danger Seeker) knows that AIDS isn’t funny. However, if one of the talking heads doesn’t at least float the idea that Obama’s HIV test wasn’t entirely symbolic, well, I’ll get out of the satire business altogether.
Secretary of Church and State Pat Robertson was even more direct in his damnation. “God has told me that whole family is going to hell,” judged the uncannily-correct Robertson on yesterday’s C-Span Christian Hour. “Her surrender to the forces of an inferior religion made Baby Jesus weep a little, but her whoring and adultery has Him wailing like Howard Dean.”
Reaction to the partisan attack on Pluto was light speed swift. Joe Lieberman, who has often been confused with a cyst orbiting around Uranus, defended the ninth planet with his usual hold-Joe-prisoner’s aplomb. “We undermine Pluto’s credibility at our own risk,” warned the Senator (D-Mars.)
(Hartford) Joe Namath. Joe Theismann. Joe Montana. The list of great American Joes who defied the odds and reached for the gold ring is long and illustrious. Today another Joe added his own story to that fabled legacy, as Senator Joe Lieberman, against all odds, secured his place on the November ballot. “This is a great day for Joes everywhere! I got may mo-Joe back!” Lieberman crowed as he announced he had obtained the required number of signatures necessary for placement on the ballot. “I have Joe doubt that Joe-mentum will carry us to victory in Joe-vember!”
Backed by the lunatic fringe of the Democratic Party (as if that wasn’t redundant,) challenger Ned Lamont upset the Joe-vertly America-loving sitting Senator in this month’s party primary. However, as the newest and only member of his own party, the “G-Joe-P,” Lieberman’s well-Joewn name will appear on the ballot near both Lamont’s and pseudo-Republican Alan Schlesinger. Asked for a prediction as to how he thinks he’ll fair against his challengers, Lieberman’s response was apro-Joe. “Neither is named ‘Joe.’ Thus, I say they have Joe chance!”
Many in the liberal mainstream media have treasonously opined that Lieberman’s primary defeat sent Joe-tice to other candidates that Joe-ters rejected his “Joe-ing the line” when it came to President Bush’s (brilliant) foreign policy. Lieberman stated that he rejects this accusation, asserting that he’s “Joe-body’s lap dog.”
By refusing to Joe in the towel, Lieberman seems to have gained the support of independents and even a few Republicans who refuse to be blinded by the Democrats’ Joe-mophobia. Polls show that if the election were held today, Joe would Joe away the competition. Lieberman admitted that he was humbled by the support offered by conservatives. “The fact that they would vote for a Joe-ish man means that the G-Joe-P, I mean the GOP, is a-Joe-k with me!”
(Auschwitz) World-renowned hate expert Ann Coulter has finally and authoritatively placed the blame for the Holocaust on whom it truly belongs: Charles Darwin! While most associate the British evolutionist with cute little monkeys and care-free turtles, a new documentary starring America’s prettiest pundit has revealed that were it not for his radical, Jesus-hating ideas, Hitler would have become little more than an obscure Austrian artist with a bad mustache. “To put it simply, no Darwin, no Hitler,” reasonably asserts Darwin’s Deadly Legacy narrator Dr. D. James Kennedy, who, despite his last name, probably doesn’t hate America. “Hitler tried to speed up evolution, to help it along, and millions suffered and died in unspeakable ways because of it.” The ground-breaking film, deemed too factual for broadcast by the mainstream media, will be televised August 26th and 27th by Florida’s Coral Ridge Ministries on its award-winning Coral Ridge Hour (channel 849 ½ .) Fourteen scholars, including Coulter’s favorite scientist and author of Darwin’s Black Box Michael Behe, meticulously outline “the grim consequences of Darwin’s theory of evolution and show how his theory fueled Hitler’s ovens.” Behe, cited often by Coulter in her latest masterpiece Godless: The Church of Liberalism, also cites gay marriage, the establishment of the death tax and illegal Mexican immigrants as pre-cursors to the rise of national socialism, but summarizes that the movement would have died a quiet death had it not been for Darwin’s blasphemous theories. “In a little-known manuscript, Darwin predicted that the ultimate product of evolution would be brown-shirted, blonde-haired, and blue-eyed Aryans!” asserted Behe, who declined SG’s request to examine these documents, stating that “his liberal dog had eaten them.”
Long-time Coulter worshipers know well her pioneering work in the field of Darwin-debunking, and her contributions to Darwin’s Deadly Legacy gave it the star power necessary for the Academy Award nomination it will inevitable receive. “Evolution,” she sexily breathes in one scene, “is one notch above Scientology in scientific rigor.” Later in the film Coulter, dressed only in a string bikini and slathered head-to-toe in Crisco Oil, Coulter ritualistically beats a monkey to death with an iron crucifix, then, after tearing into two a picture of Darwin, screeches “Fight the real power!”
(Washington) Even those misguided few who have yet to grasp the brilliance that is one George W. Bush will admit that the man possesses the kind of loyalty usually reserved for Labrador retrievers. Sadly, it seems some who he has brought into his circle of trust would cut and run once the going got tough; we’re looking at you, Joe Scarborough…or should we say, JUDAS!!!
It seems that, as a former Congressman, Scarborough’s convictions are determined by the latest poll, as the easily-persuaded pundit recently not only asked the audience of his MSNBC show, “Is Bush an idiot?” but also answered his own question. Comparing Bush to other presidents, jelly-spined Joe sounded like the liberal elitist he’s become when re remarked, “I think George Bush is in a league by himself. I don't think he has the intellectual depth as these other people.”
More patriotic political pundits proudly pounced on the pansy’s preposterous proclamation. “It’s a sad, sad day when a liberal Democratic Senator named Joe is a better Republican than a former GOP Congressman named Joe,” accurately assessed the still-loyal Michelle Malkin as she deleted Scarborough’s name from her cell phone’s speed-dial. “I guess we won’t be seeing him at the next White House signing statement.”
Equally disgusted was the regent of Republican radio, Rush Limbaugh. “My God! Is he on drugs? Did his housekeeper, without his knowledge or consent, forge his doctor’s prescription and feed him drugs?” Limbaugh confessed that a similar incident in the past once caused him to say things against his nature, and opined that Mel Gibson’s illegal immigrant maid may have been behind his anti-Semitic rant.
Others, however, were not providing Scarborough with any hypothetical excuses. “He’s a filthy, liberal traitor, and should be rendered through a meat grinder,” calmly offered the comely Ann Coulter between bites of sautéed baby seal. “To question the President during times of war undermines the efforts of our brave men and women in uniform, and only serves to bring aid and comfort to the enemy.” Miss Coulter’s assessment was seconded by her dinner companion, Senator Joe Lieberman (D-CT.)
In keeping with his new-found cowardice, Scarborough refused to comment for this article. What a wuss.
A shocking new development uncovered by the crack Spurious George anti-terror investigative team has revealed why now, more than ever, we need to keep the Republicans in power so that the War on Terror doesn’t fall to the liberals. Distracted by frivolous lawsuits regarding “illegal” wiretaps and prisoner of war “abuses,” our benevolent government has allowed the unthinkable to happen: a union of our nation’s most evil enemies! “I don’t think anyone could have predicted this would have happened,” competently assessed the recess-appointed federal anti-terror czar Michael Brown, regarding a finding that 70,000 US Hispanic have converted to Islam. “As a precaution, we’re raising the terror threat level to ultra-violet, and may have to suspend the upcoming mid-term elections.”
While federal authorities can not state with any certainty how many of these “friends of Osama” are in the country illegally, with the country at war no one’s taking any chances. “We have to assume that each and every convert somehow miraculously slipped through our defenses at the Rio Grande,” cautioned Homeland Security director Michael Chertoff, who subsequently overrode Brown’s order and elevated the threat level to “infrared.” As an added precaution, intelligence agencies under his umbrella will begin monitoring Spanish-language radio stations for cryptic messages, and as an added precaution, arrest any woman eating a taco while wearing a burka.
Alerted to the emerging crisis, President Bush took the unprecedented step of raising the terrorist threat level to “mega-cinnamon,” a level not reached even during the run-up to the 2004 general election. The President also judiciously suspended Constitutional Amendments 1, as well as 3 through 10, a power granted to him on page 11,014 of the revised Patriot Act (double-secret probation version.) “The enemy is among us, people,” the President warned a gathering of Boy Scout troops on the White House lawn. “He’s bussing our tables, he’s mowing our lawns, and he’s cleaning up on aisle 5. He may even be in Connecticut, running for the Senate. Hard to say.”
Until the job of rounding up the Mexi-fascists can be completed by the competent Republican government, citizens are encouraged to keep buying gasoline as a signal to the terrorists that we can’t be cowered. Also, anyone talking with a funny accent (Texans excluded) should be reported to the local authorities.
(Tallahassee) In a movement reminiscent of woman’s suffrage advocacy and civil rights struggles, long-suffering descendants of Confederate veterans have been battling to get their message out to the people. That message, of course, is that their slave-owning, lynch mob-forming, KKK-organizing ancestors need to be remembered for the heroes that they were. As the mainstream media and politically-correct politicians have ignored their plight, these Sons of Confederate Veterans have decided to take their message to the people via Florida’s traditional public arena…the license plate. "Public support has been overwhelmingly positive," said John Walker Adams of Sons of Confederate Veterans, referring to the proposed “Confederate Heritage” specialty tag that displays the five flags of the Confederacy. “The colored folks don’t seem to like it, of course, but their kind can be uppity.” Nine other states offer license plates that profess pride in their military heritage, and according to Florida advocate H.K. Edgerton, his state risks falling behind others in the retro-racism race. “Are we any less supportive of our long-dead troops than Mississippi or South Carolina? We need to show them others that we’re as rabidly proud as they are!” Edgerton and his posse later announced that they would hold a nighttime rally to bring attention to their cause, where they would wear white to symbolize the purity of their intentions, and also burn a large lower-case “t” to represent the truth of which they speak.
For the Confederate Heritage tag to join the nearly 100 others offered to Floridians, the group must collect 30,000 signatures of those likely to purchase the plate, as well as obtain the blessing of the governor. When asked whether he would endorse such a proposal, Gov. Jeb Bush remarked, “Oh sweet Jesus, I’d rather sign my own death warrant.” Plate advocates opined that as a death penalty supporter, the governor left the door open with that statement.
Note: The SG technical staff finally solved the riddle of loading photos onto this site. We won't bore you with the details, but evidently it involves something called "hetmel" (html.) Sounds vaguely French.
(A photo of a nuclear…sorry…’nucular’ missile would appear here…if Blogger didn’t fear freedom so overtly!)
While Spurious George neither confirms nor denies that it possesses weapons of mass destruction, sources within the organization assert that they reserve the right to execute a pre-emptive strike if their photos of scantily-clad, all-American girls aren’t allowed to be viewed by their devout readership. “This is censorship most foul, and most un-American,” harrumphed Fleischer. “Our fans want, nay, need their daily dose of domestic cheesecake! To deny them only serves to give aid and comfort to the enemy!”
SG attempted to contact Blogger for a comment for this story, but the illegal immigrant janitor who answered the phone stated that everyone was both too stoned and too busy burning the American flag to reply.
Ed. Note: Seriously, are we the only people having this problem?
Today Spurious George begins a 50-part (non-consecutive) series that will finally answer which state is the most patriotic (we’ll save you some suspense; Massachusetts isn’t it!)
The event climaxes with a night shoot where, with a hovering helicopter laying down suppressing fire from its M-60 door-mounted machine gun, grounded machine gunners who would be serving in Iraq if it weren’t for their trick knees target glow stick-marked 50-gallon drums filled with gasoline and dynamite (no, seriously.) The spectacle is so inspiring that Kentucky hospitals regularly report a spike in childbirths nine months after the event. Common are the comments of one clearly-excited local, who upon marveling slack-jawed at the impressive display of firepower drawled, “We need to ship a few to the border and start splattering Mexicans*!”
This gathering of law-abiding, natural-born citizens isn’t entirely about the inalienable right to bear kick-ass arms, however. Organizers monosyllabically contest that they’re equally supportive of the First Amendment, especially as it applies to commemorative items offered for sale during the freedom-loving festival. “If someone wants to sell white supremacist and neo-Nazi crap, that's OK with me. If it offends anyone, they don't have to stop at that vendor's table. It's just like strip clubs. I don't care nothing about them and they can be wherever they want. I have the ability to stop in or drive by. This is America and we do have the right to choose. That's why I do not restrict any of the vendors at our show*,” semi-lucidly proclaimed Knob Creek Gun Range owner Kenny “Fort” Sumner. Sumner was referring to the few bad apples who hawk their “hate wares” at the festival, as well as the operators of such carnival attractions as the “Lynch a Negro” and “Hang a Homo.”
For most festival attendees, however, the only kind of hating they’re guilty of is the kind reserved for those who would do our country harm: terrorists, liberals, and Jane Fonda. We here at SG ask our readers, is there anything more American than that?
*– Indicates an actual quote. Seriously, these people can vote AND breed!
(Washington) While most administration officials are publicly lending support to the tenuous cease-fire in the Middle East, Spurious George has learned there are others who are privately expressing disgust with Israel’s French-like tendencies. Particularly nauseated is Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, who confided to a not-unsympathetic World Bank head Paul Wolfowitz, “I’m beginning to wonder if the Star of David isn’t just two pink triangles intertwined in a lewd manner.” Insiders say that the Pentagon chief is incensed with Tel Aviv’s “double-whammy of duplicitous wussiness”: the negotiated settlement with Hezbollah and its refusal to invade Syria as ordered by Washington. “First, we never negotiate with terrorists, unless they’re Saudi royalty,” Rumsfeld is said to have lectured the framed photo of his idol Major General Curtis LeMay that adorns his corner office in the War Room. “Second, when the US tells you to invade someone, you just say, ‘mission accomplished!”
Others in the administration, such as Secretary of Church and State Pat Robertson, believe that the recent Israeli capitulation will set back America’s Middle East agenda back decades. “I ask you, how can the Rapture be brought about if the plains of Armageddon aren’t flowing with the blood of the non-believers?” asked Jesus’ chosen messenger to a framed photo of his idol, Reverend Jim Jones. With a heavy sigh he then lamented that “once again Christian everywhere have been betrayed by the Jews.”
Even Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, whose efforts at diplomacy, to the surprise of many, did not unduly delay peace talks, admitted that she was disappointed with Israel’s willingness to come to the table. “Reliable intelligence revealed that Osama bin Laden himself was just a few mere miles behind Hezbollah’s front lines in southern Lebanon,” asserted the future first female President, and a woman who has never, ever lied in her life (to accuse otherwise only reveals her critics’ racism.) “That said, if America experiences another 9/11, blame must be placed on the Israelis. Or the Democrats. Maybe Ned Lamont. Hard to say.”
In addition, much platonic heterosexual Republican-style love to Dude @ The Blue Republic for his web-design acumen. The man is a true artist, which is why it’s such a tragedy he’s been reduced to selling weed to middle-school kids in Flagstaff. You can read more about his cry for help at The Blue Republic, where although registration is required, they lack the federal funding necessary to anything particularly evil with your fake personal information.
Finally, the liberal mainstream media has slanderously intimated that the new SG Staff has become little more than a golden parachute for disgraced Republican figures; we can assure you that nothing could be further from the truth. That said, we’d like to thank some of the new faces who have helped make our transition as smooth as the back of the co-ed from which Ted Kennedy snorts his blow…people like I. Lewis Libby (Director of Information Dissemination,) Jack Abramoff (Native Indian Liaison,) Harriet Miers (Senior Superlative and Hyperbole Editor,) “Duke” Cunningham (Creative Finance Officer,) Michael Brown (Emergency Operations Czar,) George Tenet (HQ Security,) Katherine Harris(Make-up and Props,) John Ashcroft (Color Coordinator) and Ari Fliescher (Deputy Director of Douchebaggery.)
With this winning team, and your continued patronage, we here at Spurious George firmly believe that we can bring the Rex-ual Revolution to the unwashed, hippie masses, and more importantly, keep the GOP in power (where they belong) in perpetuity!
Rex Kramer loves his family, Jesus, and of course, America. He has sworn an oath to protect these against all enemies foreign and domestic (a.k.a. hippies.)
