IS OBAMA HIV-POSITIVE?

Presidential Hopeful Leave US for Treatment

(Nairobi, Kenya) Republicans concerned about the upcoming mid-term elections mouth-breathed a sigh of relief, secure (like our borders) in the knowledge that at least the White House will be in GOP hands until at least 2012. Patriotic conservative leaders had been worried about the meteoric rise of Barrack Obama’s popularity, but are now content that his presidential aspirations have been dashed by news that the Illinois Senator might have AIDS.

While details, like the Democrats’ political platform, are still fuzzy, Spurious George has been able to confirm that Obama recently traveled to Kenya, where he was tested for the dreaded HIV virus. Results of the test are not yet known, and may not be known for some time; Kenyan health officials have complained that the country’s only laboratory is critically short of the medicine men and chicken bones necessary to process the large number of samples submitted by visiting Democrats. “Click-click-click-a-ooga,” raged the lab’s director, clearly upset by the chaos the Senator’s photo-op visit has caused.

Most conservatives expressed sympathy for Obama’s possible infection, for as true Christians they have been taught to hate the sin and not the sinner. Still, political pundits couldn’t help but weigh in regarding how this development might hinder what was once a promising future. “Whether he got it from unprotected anal sex, unprotected hooker sex, or sharing a needle with Ted Kennedy, HIV means Obama’s hopes for the White House are DOA,” pronounced Sen. Bill Frist (R-TN,) who as a doctor knows a dead-man-walking when he sees one. Frist immediately introduced legislation that would keep Obama literally “on the other side of the aisle” for the remainder of his Senate term, lest he infect his more America-loving (and intravenous drug-hating) colleagues.

Others, however weren’t as open-minded as Senator Frist. “I’m black. I’m a politician. I’m AIDS-free,” proudly announced former presidential candidate Alan Keyes who, despite being an African-American, does not hate America. “Why aren’t I mentioned as a serious contender for the White House? If you ask me, Barrack’s affliction was God’s way of telling him to know his place…which obviously is the nearest steambath/crack house.”

Note: Even Rex Kramer (Danger Seeker) knows that AIDS isn’t funny. However, if one of the talking heads doesn’t at least float the idea that Obama’s HIV test wasn’t entirely symbolic, well, I’ll get out of the satire business altogether.