THE MOST AMERICA-LOVING STATE?

Indiana Blows the Other 49 Away!

In this, the second installment of a 50-part (non-consecutive series,) Spurious George continues its attempt to answer the previously- unanswerable question; which state is the most patriotic. Last time we visited Kentucky (August 16th)…today we rate Indiana’s dedication to freedom!

(Bloomington, IN) Not long ago, the most explosive and unstable element in the state was Indiana University’s head basketball coach, Bobby Knight. While the Hoosier hoops hothead was known for tossing around chairs and four-letter words with impunity, but never in his wildest dreams did he light up 700 tons of ammonium nitrate and fuel oil inside the bowels of a limestone quarry! “It’s gonna be one hot potato(e) of a time,” patriotically yee-hawed former Vice President Dan Quayle.



While the $23 million project conducted by the military, code-named “Divine Strake,” is officially a test of something called “Tunnel Target Defeat Advanced Concept Technology,” Spurious George has learned that for the more God-fearing/Republican residents of the Hoosier State the blast represents a chance to prove once and for all that we humans did not descend from the south-end of a north-bound red-assed baboon. “We’ve heard the hippies say that the universe began with a ‘Big Bang,” scoffed intellectually-designed Senator Richard Lugar (R-IN.) “Well, we’ll see about that. If 700 tons of some seriously-explosive shit doesn’t form a new universe, well, chalk up another victory for Jesus!”

Not all Champions of Christ, however, welcomed the news that Indiana had been selected as the test site. “Why can’t we do this in San Francisco’s Castro District, New York City’s Village Green, or Miami’s South Beach?” reasonably asked Secretary of Church and State Pat Robertson, a long-time proponent of incendiary urban renewal. Robertson also expressed concern that a blast of such magnitude might actually open up a gateway to hell. “Even more reason to do this in some hippie town,” explained Jesus’ official mouthpiece. “If they’re in such a hurry to get to hell, I say let’s open up an expressway!”