THE MOST AMERICA-LOVING STATE?

Kentucky Blows Sh*t Up, Makes Its Case

Today Spurious George begins a 50-part (non-consecutive) series that will finally answer which state is the most patriotic (we’ll save you some suspense; Massachusetts isn’t it!)

(West Point, KY) Every year since 1979, the state that produces the all-American and natural combination of whiskey and baseball bats ratchets up its in-your-city-slicker-face level of America-loving with the Knob Creek Shoot, an intoxicating orgy of rugged individualism, guns, and blowing sh*t the f*ck up. Deep in Red State Country, ten thousand mostly-related Kentuckians gather to both celebrate and exercise their Jesus-given 2nd Amendment rights by sending downrange the kind of ordinance that is the nightmare of would-be terrorists and the dreams of NRA members everywhere. “When I go to sleep tonight, I'll dream of towel heads splattering all over the place*,” patriotically fantasized a Valkyrie Arms spokeswoman while cradling her company’s newest addition to the War on Towel Heads©, the six-barrel, .223 caliber Valkyrior 556 Rotary Gun. “This baby’d turn Osama bin Laden into Osama bin Splatten in less time than it’d take to orally pleasure your cousin!”





The event climaxes with a night shoot where, with a hovering helicopter laying down suppressing fire from its M-60 door-mounted machine gun, grounded machine gunners who would be serving in Iraq if it weren’t for their trick knees target glow stick-marked 50-gallon drums filled with gasoline and dynamite (no, seriously.) The spectacle is so inspiring that Kentucky hospitals regularly report a spike in childbirths nine months after the event. Common are the comments of one clearly-excited local, who upon marveling slack-jawed at the impressive display of firepower drawled, “We need to ship a few to the border and start splattering Mexicans*!”

This gathering of law-abiding, natural-born citizens isn’t entirely about the inalienable right to bear kick-ass arms, however. Organizers monosyllabically contest that they’re equally supportive of the First Amendment, especially as it applies to commemorative items offered for sale during the freedom-loving festival. “If someone wants to sell white supremacist and neo-Nazi crap, that's OK with me. If it offends anyone, they don't have to stop at that vendor's table. It's just like strip clubs. I don't care nothing about them and they can be wherever they want. I have the ability to stop in or drive by. This is America and we do have the right to choose. That's why I do not restrict any of the vendors at our show*,” semi-lucidly proclaimed Knob Creek Gun Range owner Kenny “Fort” Sumner. Sumner was referring to the few bad apples who hawk their “hate wares” at the festival, as well as the operators of such carnival attractions as the “Lynch a Negro” and “Hang a Homo.”

For most festival attendees, however, the only kind of hating they’re guilty of is the kind reserved for those who would do our country harm: terrorists, liberals, and Jane Fonda. We here at SG ask our readers, is there anything more American than that?

* – Indicates an actual quote. Seriously, these people can vote AND breed!