ANOTHER EXCLUSIVE SG PANIC ALERT!

Iran Test-Fires Missile; Attack on US Imminent

(Tehran) Spurious George had learned that not only does Iran intend to continue its development of nuclear weapons, it is actively working on a delivery system that could lay waste to every US city with little or no advance warning. As the Iranian navy test-launched a long-range missile from a submarine based in the Persian Gulf, freedom-loving people everywhere are asking the question, “Iran has a navy? With submarines? When did this happen?”

As it so happens Iran’s entire fleet of 10 Russian submarines were purchased from North Korea in 1993; it is believed that at the time of the deal, President Clinton was distracted by two runaway teenage lesbian midgets who were “sleeping” in the Lincoln bedroom. “That deal never would’ve happened under our watch,” grumbled Vice President Dick Cheney. “I mean, who would buy crappy commie subs when there are superior American-made ones available. I have no doubt that Halliburton could’ve gotten them a sweet deal, subsidized by the American taxpayer, no less!” As President of the Senate, Cheney stated that he intended to call Congress back into session to debate whether or not Clinton should be impeached for the damage caused to the defense contractor economy.

While the capabilities of the new Iranian rocket are not fully known, many in the business of keeping the homeland safe believe it could strike most US cities on the east coast, and more importantly, Iraqi oil fields that have already been parsed out to administration-friendly oil conglomerates. “We will not sit idly by while the islamo-fascist blow up our pipelines, which, I should point out, are in excellent condition,” asserted BP spokesman Tony Blair. “We demand that all government funds currently allocated to the Hurricane Katrina recovery efforts be re-directed to the re-implementation of the Star Wars program!”

On news that an attack on the oil supply was imminent, prices for crude rose to $1,087 a barrel in open trading. Stocks-watchers called this a mere market adjustment, but warned that further adjustments may be necessary if Hurricane Ernesto strikes the US or if Iran turns Boston into a smoldering cinder.