Wednesday, August 30, 2006

LIKE DROPPING GAS PRICES? HUG A REPUBLICAN!

$1 Gallons Expected by Mid-November

(Undisclosed Location) According to the polls that are read daily by President Bush (a voracious reader) and other leading Republicans, Americans are becoming increasingly concerned about gas prices as the traditional travel holidays approach. Always responsive to the needs of middle and low class Americans, GOP lawmakers have been quietly and without fanfare laying the groundwork for
a significant drop in fuel prices prior to Election Day. “Clearly, we’re in the last throes of high prices at the pump,” confidently asserted Vice President and the nation’s energy czar Dick Cheney. “The worst case scenario is that premium will be selling a $1 per gallon by the time Americans go to the polls. More than likely, we’ll be giving gas away.”



While many economists suggest that a rapidly-stabilizing Iraq (thanks to Bush’s no cut-and-run policy) is primarily responsible for the predicted plummeting prices for petrol, others suggest that the general tenets of the “Bush Doctine” have had the greatest effect. “What oil-producing nation in their right mind would gouge America when they know they could easily be plotted on the Axis of Evil©?” pondered Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. “I mean, selling oil at $1 per barrel sounds pretty good when you consider the alternative is turning their oilfields into radioactive wastelands!” Rumsfeld then excused himself, as his erection had become embarrassingly obvious.

Addressing the predictable conspiracy theories put forth by Democrats regarding the “suspicious” timing of the price drops, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) questioned the priorities of the opposition party. “It seems that Democrats would rather be in power than have all Americans enjoy access to cheap, or possibly even free fuel.” Frist, who has long blamed inflated gas prices on the liberals’ inexcusable appeasement to the islamo-fascist oil cartels, testified that the President’s vision for an America-friendly Middle East has once again proven that the Democrats are incapable of leading this country. “If it were up to them,” truthfully opined the Tennessee oracle, “we’d be buying gas at $5 a gallon from Osama himself.”

6 Comments:

At 5:45 AM, Blogger sumo said...

Do you think it's possible? $1.00 a gallon? Let me at the polls...

 
At 9:16 AM, Blogger pissed off patricia said...

I heard if you vote Repub. you'll get free gas for the rest of your life. Of course that might not be a very long life since we are planning to wage war against every country where a "bad guy" might live.

Speaking of "bad guys", could they perhaps simplify that just a tad more?

 
At 2:30 PM, Anonymous Adorable Girlfriend said...

The GOP are the same folks who spike the terror alerts right before the election and try to show you what they are spending your tax dollars on. I call them Republiars. It cuts out the middle man.

And I love how they CAN control gas prices but choose not to any other time.

Anyone who votes for the GOP deserves what s/he gets. I said that about West Va. yesterday when I refused to spend a single dime there. PA voted blue, they got money.

 
At 3:27 PM, Blogger AJ said...

Rex,
I started getting so excited after seeing the $1.00 gallon price quote from Rummey, that I had to leave the room too.
I mean, there has got
to be somewhere else we could bomb that has oil...
Canada? That shale rock might be the answer.

 
At 9:06 PM, Anonymous gordo said...

PoP--

When we say, "we're going to bomb Iran," naturally we don't mean "WE." We mean "they," the Democrats who joined the military to get college money.

Adorable--

If appeasers like you had been in charge back in 1776, we'd all be speaking English right now, instead of American.

A typical column by Rex would read, "I say, it's jolly good that we're being exterminated by terrorists right now. Good show!"

Rex--

As usual, Rummy is right. If the stabilization of Iraq were what brought down the gas prices, then it would have been the war that sent them up. In reality, it was the environmentalists who caused the high oil prices.

I think that President Bush plans to lower gas prices by making it legal to hunt environmentalists. At least, that's what I hope he has planned.

aj--

You had to mention bombing Canada, didn't you. Now I'm so excited, I have to leave the room.

 
At 9:18 PM, Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Normally, I'd respond to each of your comments, but I believe Gordo did a heckuva job today. Give yourself a pat on the back, my friend, as well as a no-bid contract.

 

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