EXCLUSIVE SG PANIC ALERT!!!

Illegal Immigrants, Islamo-Fascists Join Forces

A shocking new development uncovered by the crack Spurious George anti-terror investigative team has revealed why now, more than ever, we need to keep the Republicans in power so that the War on Terror doesn’t fall to the liberals. Distracted by frivolous lawsuits regarding “illegal” wiretaps and prisoner of war “abuses,” our benevolent government has allowed the unthinkable to happen: a union of our nation’s most evil enemies! “I don’t think anyone could have predicted this would have happened,” competently assessed the recess-appointed federal anti-terror czar Michael Brown, regarding a finding that 70,000 US Hispanic have converted to Islam. “As a precaution, we’re raising the terror threat level to ultra-violet, and may have to suspend the upcoming mid-term elections.”


While federal authorities can not state with any certainty how many of these “friends of Osama” are in the country illegally, with the country at war no one’s taking any chances. “We have to assume that each and every convert somehow miraculously slipped through our defenses at the Rio Grande,” cautioned Homeland Security director Michael Chertoff, who subsequently overrode Brown’s order and elevated the threat level to “infrared.” As an added precaution, intelligence agencies under his umbrella will begin monitoring Spanish-language radio stations for cryptic messages, and as an added precaution, arrest any woman eating a taco while wearing a burka.

Alerted to the emerging crisis, President Bush took the unprecedented step of raising the terrorist threat level to “mega-cinnamon,” a level not reached even during the run-up to the 2004 general election. The President also judiciously suspended Constitutional Amendments 1, as well as 3 through 10, a power granted to him on page 11,014 of the revised Patriot Act (double-secret probation version.) “The enemy is among us, people,” the President warned a gathering of Boy Scout troops on the White House lawn. “He’s bussing our tables, he’s mowing our lawns, and he’s cleaning up on aisle 5. He may even be in Connecticut, running for the Senate. Hard to say.”

Until the job of rounding up the Mexi-fascists can be completed by the competent Republican government, citizens are encouraged to keep buying gasoline as a signal to the terrorists that we can’t be cowered. Also, anyone talking with a funny accent (Texans excluded) should be reported to the local authorities.