DEMS FORCE PLUTO TO RESIGN

9th Planet Accused of Incompetence, Ballot-Tampering

(Prague) Screeching from the bully pulpit of the International Astronomical Union (a subsidiary of MoveOn.org,) DNC chairman Howard Dean yesterday delivered an impassioned/meth-fueled tirade against the most patriotic of planets, Pluto, that ultimately resulted in the distant orb withdrawing from the Solar System of the Willing©. Treasonously calling into question the icy world’s 1930 election and inexplicably questioning the circles in which it runs, Dean, backed by money coming out of Uranus, strong-armed the IAU into calling for Pluto’s impeachment. “Clyde Tombaugh lied, and a unified definition of planethood died,” slanderously accused the known anti-Kuiper Belt Dean, referring to Pluto’s discoverer. Dean also alluded to what he called trumped-up evidence regarding Pluto’s threat to neighboring worlds. “We were led to believe that an attack on Neptune was imminent, while evidence now shows that this is false.”

Plutonian spokesman Tony Snow asserted that Pluto has every right to call itself a planet, and that this assessment had been supported by attorneys with the Justice Department. However, he also announced that the planet would be voluntarily stepping down until the formal investigation had been completed. “We believe in the supremacy of the Intergalactic Constitution, unless, of course, it’s superseded by the Plutonian Patriot Act.”

Reaction to the partisan attack on Pluto was light speed swift. Joe Lieberman, who has often been confused with a cyst orbiting around Uranus, defended the ninth planet with his usual hold-Joe-prisoner’s aplomb. “We undermine Pluto’s credibility at our own risk,” warned the Senator (D-Mars.)