Saturday, August 26, 2006

JESSICA LYNCH: PATRIOT OR WHORE?

Administration Struggles with Icon’s Image

(Morgantown, WV) In the heady days when Democrats other than Joe Lieberman supported the opening volleys in the War on Terror©, Pvt. Jessica Lynch represented everything our great nation was fighting for; specifically, the right of petite, undereducated white enlisted women to be rescued by a Special Forces team accompanied by journalist with night-vision cameras and a satellite feed. Like America, she was virtuous in spirit, pure in intentions, and functionally illiterate. Thus, three years removed from her inspiring rescue, a nation was horrified to learn that
“America’s supply clerk sweetheart” has been knocked-up by Kevin Federline. “We’re gonna name her ‘Britney George Bush Federline,” announced the chain-smoking Lynch to 15 Minutes of Fame magazine. Lynch went on to explain that without the born-out-of-wedlock’s namesakes both parents would have long ago been relegated to anonymous lives of convenience store loitering.

While generally praising Lynch’s decision to not abort her baby, many conservatives expressed concern regarding the message an out-of-wedlock baby born to their war-time poster child will send to future war poster-children. “I’d hate to see our soldiers return from the horrors of war to the horrors of a lifetime with the child of a untalented white rapper/parasite,” lamented Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. “Clearly, the solution is to keep our soldiers overseas indefinitely, lest they cross the human Rubicon that is Kevin Federline.”

Secretary of Church and State Pat Robertson was even more direct in his damnation. “God has told me that whole family is going to hell,” judged the uncannily-correct Robertson on yesterday’s C-Span Christian Hour. “Her surrender to the forces of an inferior religion made Baby Jesus weep a little, but her whoring and adultery has Him wailing like Howard Dean.”

11 Comments:

At 12:45 PM, Blogger GraemeAnfinson said...

i am with you on this one. She is cleary a whore. I read that article and I didn't see one mention of her HUSBAND! I almost always agree with Mr. Robertson, but this time he is even more right than usual

 
At 1:16 PM, Blogger abi said...

Too funny, Rex.

Remember the shameless reports of her being mistreaded by the Iraqis? I guess it would be true if the Iraqi nurse who sang to her had a really awful voice. I think even Goebbles would have been embarrassed by the Lynch propaganda campaign.

 
At 2:07 PM, Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Can you guys believe that this harlot once represented our country's pure intentions? It just sickens me how she was able to so easily manipultae the American people...with absolutely no help from Karl Rove!

 
At 2:45 PM, Blogger Dude said...

What about Army Sgt. Ruben Contreras Jr. her fi-an-say? What did it trouble her family that he wore shoes? Was it his ability to read? What got him on the outs?

 
At 5:49 PM, Blogger dusty said...

Sweet Jeebus Rex..you never cease to amaze me dude..nevah!

I am with Dude..what happened to the Army Sgt? Perhaps he wasn't country enough for Jess?

 
At 6:12 PM, Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

It turns out the "sergeant," was in fact a media creation, foisted upon us as a false indication that Lynch was a virtuous, non-home-wrecking kind of gal.

 
At 7:02 PM, Blogger Tom Harper said...

Another sacred American icon has deteriorated. Too many evil influences. We need more righteous folk like Pat Robertson and fewer naysayers in the godless media.

 
At 8:03 PM, Blogger Troll Watcher said...

I just wonder why she needs a publicist to announce her descension into harlotry.

 
At 12:49 AM, Blogger Liliana said...

Well shit, Rex. Who wouldnt let Federline father their baby? Thats just good strategy.

I wonder if you will ever be famous enough to be called...

R-Kram?????


(make no mistake I would smirk every day if that could happen)

 
At 12:20 PM, Blogger AJ said...

"Secretary of Church and State Pat Robertson was even more direct in his damnation. “God has told me that whole family is going to hell,”

Yes, and I have word that God has spoken to Pat just recently and said the hurricane that is bearing down on Florida will destroy most everything democratic and liberal, but spare the God-fearing Republicans.
Besides, Coral Ridge does need extra parking slots, does it not?
So, no worries mate.

 
At 11:38 PM, Blogger Callooh said...

ah, so THAT'S the wailin' that kept me up the other night, I thought it was a cat getting laid....

 

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