JESSICA LYNCH: PATRIOT OR WHORE?

Administration Struggles with Icon’s Image

(Morgantown, WV) In the heady days when Democrats other than Joe Lieberman supported the opening volleys in the War on Terror©, Pvt. Jessica Lynch represented everything our great nation was fighting for; specifically, the right of petite, undereducated white enlisted women to be rescued by a Special Forces team accompanied by journalist with night-vision cameras and a satellite feed. Like America, she was virtuous in spirit, pure in intentions, and functionally illiterate. Thus, three years removed from her inspiring rescue, a nation was horrified to learn that “America’s supply clerk sweetheart” has been knocked-up by Kevin Federline. “We’re gonna name her ‘Britney George Bush Federline,” announced the chain-smoking Lynch to 15 Minutes of Fame magazine. Lynch went on to explain that without the born-out-of-wedlock’s namesakes both parents would have long ago been relegated to anonymous lives of convenience store loitering.

While generally praising Lynch’s decision to not abort her baby, many conservatives expressed concern regarding the message an out-of-wedlock baby born to their war-time poster child will send to future war poster-children. “I’d hate to see our soldiers return from the horrors of war to the horrors of a lifetime with the child of a untalented white rapper/parasite,” lamented Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. “Clearly, the solution is to keep our soldiers overseas indefinitely, lest they cross the human Rubicon that is Kevin Federline.”

Secretary of Church and State Pat Robertson was even more direct in his damnation. “God has told me that whole family is going to hell,” judged the uncannily-correct Robertson on yesterday’s C-Span Christian Hour. “Her surrender to the forces of an inferior religion made Baby Jesus weep a little, but her whoring and adultery has Him wailing like Howard Dean.”