KISSINGER CUTS AND RUNS

Former Advisor’s Patriotism Questioned, Green Card Revoked

(London) If anyone knows when a war is beyond winning, it’s former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger. Still, Kissinger’s recent defeatist statements to the BBC regarding Iraq came as a shock to most patriotic Americans, given that he himself advised President Bush on the war since before the first shocking and awesome volley of missiles into Baghdad. “If you mean by 'military victory' an Iraqi government that can be established and whose writ runs across the whole country, that gets the civil war under control and sectarian violence under control in a time period that the political processes of the democracies will support, I don't believe that is possible,*” droned Kissinger is a treasonous tone not unlike John Kerry’s…with the exception of the scary German accent, of course.



Kissinger’s liberal-like outlook on the war may affect the tone of the soon-to-be-released Iraq Study Group’s report, as the Austrian out-of-the-mainstreamer’s views had been sought by study group guru James Baker. At least one administration insider (who requested anonymity) expressed concern that the tidal wave of criticism from former allies was threatening the levees of liberty. “God damn it, if Baker’s against the war, I swear I’ll grab my shotgun and shoot the first lawyer I see in the face,” reasonably ranted the reactionary Republican (who identified himself only as “#2…with a bullet.”) Others in the President’s circle, dismissed Kissinger’s assessment out of hand. “Let’s be honest,” smirked White House spokes-model Tony Snow, “when it comes to matters of war, Henry Kissinger has never been right about anything. Ever.”

As expected, war-mongering liberals jumped on Kissinger’s dissent and offered up their own imperialistic plan for victory. Congressman Charles Rangel (D-NY,) the pre-ordained chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee and a man whose thirst for blood knows no end, has proposed a military draft as a means to augment the all-volunteer force. Closet liberal John McCain (R-AZ,) while opposing any draft efforts, erroneously believes that more troops will seal the deal in Iraq. Both troop-haters, however, were put in their unpatriotic place by the nation’s “new Kissinger,” former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. “The path to victory was clearly laid out in the ‘Rumsfeld Doctrine,” he opined from his new Heritage Foundation office. “Less troops, less body armor, more shock and more awe…these are the tools needed to bring down the yellow menace, er, I mean the insurgency!”

* - Actual Quote

NEW YORK HATES AMERICA

Poll Exposes Pro-Hillary, Racist Bias

(New York) Edging ever closer to Massachusetts’ formerly-undisputed title of “America’s Most Out-of-the-Mainstream State,” New York today made it clear that when it comes to America-hating, it truly is the city-state that never sleeps. A new Quinnipiac poll revealed that Hillary would crush Rudy Giuliani in a hypothetical 2008 presidential election. The poll, which sampled the seditious opinion of 1,314 patrons of Greenwich Village’s “Elanor Roosevelt Lounge” during the height of its annual week-long “We Hate Italians” celebration, has Hillary winning 67% to 47%, proving once again that not only do New Yorkers hate America, they apparently suck at math (on a related note, the poll had an error margin of ± 110%)



Luckily, and although New York considers itself the center of the universe, the phrase “As New York goes, so goes the nation” has never caught on in political circles. “Virginia is for lovers, but New York is for losers” opined incoming GOP chairman Mel Martinez, pointing out that the Empire State backed Al Gore and John Kerry in the past two presidential elections. “You’d think the that the state that was attacked on 9/11 would love America just a tad more, but no. Heck, those ingrates even protested our national convention there two years ago. Ungrateful Jew bastards!”

By satirically attacking Jews, Martinez was merely alluding to allegations that the poll revealed New York’s inherent racism. Giuliani is, after all, a white, Catholic male of Italian heritage who was also a former mayor of the state’s largest city…making him an easily-targeted minority of one (Fiorello LaGuardia and Vincent Impellitteri might have been allies of Rudy, but unfortunately both are currently dead.) Despite being the hero of 9/11, throughout his political career Giuliani has been the victim of Italian stereotypes…specifically, that all Italians have mob ties. “How ironic,” noted Martinez. “I mean, everyone knows that it’s Hillary who is turkey-neck-deep in organized crime. Hello? Whitewater?”

We Now Resume Our Normal Broadcast

(Orlando) With the Kramerica Kompound now free of invited guests, Spurious George will resume its patriotic proclamations with tomorrow's editions. We'd re-open for business today, but we (and by "we" I of course mean Mrs. Kramer) have some house-cleaning to do. On that note, why not cleanse your soul over at The Blue Republic, where today Rex expounds on the House (and Senate) cleaning abilities of the fairer sex?

IS REX A REAL REPUBLICAN?

Kramer Codifies His Conservative Credentials

I have recently been made aware of a nasty rumor making its rounds in the blogosphere that doesn’t bear repeating…so I’ll just go ahead and repeat it. If one is to believe the GOP-hating gossip, I, Rex Kramer (Danger-Seeker,) have been fraudulently representing myself as a Jesus-loving, staying-the-course Republican, when in fact I’m more the type who’d bad-mouth my country as I cut and run from her foreign commitments. Let me assure you, my dear RexHeads©, that nothing could be further from the truth (with the exception of anything that comes out of Nancy Pelosi’s treasonous mouth.) To put these lies to rest, however, I am willing to expose my detractors to a few personal entries in the “Rex Files”….tidbits of personal information that should prove once and for all that Rex Kramer loves America infinitely more than you, and thus must be a Republican!

For example, did you know that….

Rex served his country? Like most Republicans in public service, I proudly wore the uniform of our armed forces. In fact, I love my country so much I even refused to go AWOL when that draft-dodger Clinton took office! Sure, I never was exposed to combat while Slick Willy was the commander-in-chief, but as we all have learned since, that’s only because he was a big wuss! Oh, how I wish I was 10 years younger and able to serve under our current President in a state of perpetual war! Hoo-ah! Of course, I continue to combat evil on a smaller scale every day, as…



Rex fights crime, so you don’t have to! As anyone who has watched a “cop drama” knows, the life of a detective is both glamorous and rewarding. While chasing down Colombian drug lords through the streets of Orlando in my assigned Ferrari is exciting, I do it not to impress bikini-clad models, but rather to fulfill my pledge to make America safe. I ask you, is there a more conservative goal than that? That was a rhetorical question, of course, for as everyone knows I more than met my Republican obligations when…

Rex married a woman! Not only did pledge his love and fidelity to a member of the opposite sex, he impressed Jesus further by fathering three children with that same woman! Sure, a handful of liberals might enter into sham marriages, but do they possess enough manly sperm to sire three tax deductions? I think not! It goes without saying that all three of the Danger-Kids will ultimately follow their father’s footsteps when it comes time to leave the neo-con nest, as…

Rex did not attend an elitist east-coast college! Rex went to the University of Florida, a former all-male institution of provincial higher learning, and also the South’s last state school to integrate. Misogynistic and racist? Possibly. But more importantly, we can kick Harvard’s sorry ass in football!

So you see, my confused Kramericans©, once you take all of the biographical factors into account, there should be little doubt that Rex Kramer is not only a true Republican, but the kind of Republican other Republicans wish they could be!

Never doubt me again!

Note: The Kramerica compound this week will be hosting some out-of-town guests, and out of respect to them (Southern hospitality is not a thing of the past) will be taking a few days off from his usual daily-doses of democracy defending.

BLACK BOX VOTING, REDUX

SG Proves 2006 Elections Were Fixed!

(Waldenburg, AR) As Arkansas is “Clinton Country,” it should come as little surprise that the first solid evidence that the mid-term elections were rigged was discovered not far from where the former president groped his first intern. The crack investigative team of Spurious George has learned that in tiny Waldenburg, “official” election results showed zero votes for a mayoral candidate, despite the fact he voted for himself! In addition to his own vote, candidate Randy Wooten has alleged, “I had at least eight or nine people who said they voted for me, so something is wrong with this picture!*” While SG has long believed that exit polls are inherently misleading, it seems highly unlikely that nine of Wooten’s friends would lie just to avoid hurting his feelings.

At issue is the use of electronic voting machines, which registered 18 votes for each of Wooten’s two opponents who, for all we know, also cast their votes for Wooten. State officials, more than likely holdovers from the Clinton era, have predictably thus far refused to crack open the “black boxes” to inspect for suspicious irregularities, or to order a re-count. Sneered Poinsett County Election Commissioner Junaway Payne, “It's our understanding from talking with the secretary of state's office that a court order would have to be obtained in order to open the machine and check the totals.*” Payne added that such a response was typical of “those big-city Little Rock lawyering folks!”

A run-off election between the two (allegedly) top vote-getters is scheduled for November 28th, and ironically Wooten’s vote could break the deadlock…if it’s counted, of course. “I feel so damn disenfranchised, I don’t reckon I’ll vote this time around,” harrumphed Wooten.


* - Indicates actual quote

BIG DICK ELECTION EXCLUSIVE

Rex Spends Quality Time with Cheney

Note: Our very own Rex Kramer spent Election Night with Vice President Dick Cheney at a South Dakota hunting lodge patriotically donated by Indian tribe clients of Jack Abramoff, where after a day of killing animals they planned to relax by watching Republicans kill Democrats (metaphorically…for now) in the voting booth. The following is a chronological record of this historic convergence of conservative craniums.

1900 (EST): Rex: “The polls have just closed in Florida, Mr. Vice President, and already the liberal media is claiming Bill Nelson has trounced Katherine Harris in a landslide. If this isn’t proof of the fallibility of exit polling, I don’t know what is.”

Dick: (Gnawing on a bald eagle thigh) “Normally, Rex, I’d agree with you, but we cut Kat-Kat loose months ago. Sure, she served her purpose back in 2000, but you can only use a condom once, my friend. Too bad…she had a nice rack.”

1950: Rex: “Fox News is reporting that Lieberman will keep his job. Is this good news or bad news, sir?”

Dick: “It’s great news, Rex. That little Jew’s our ace in the hole in the extremely unlikely event the liberals take the Senate. Sure, he calls himself a Democrat, but let me assure you that party loyalty only goes so far when you have pictures of him engaged in unspeakable acts with Al Gore. Hehehe, I love Photo Shop!©”

2035: (Reacting to projections that Rick Santorum will lose his seat) Dick: “God damn it! I told Rove we needed Pennsylvania! He told me we had all the Diebolds we needed in place. Remind me to skull-fuck that little turd-blossom in the morning!”

Rex: Sir, you’re frothing.

2105: Rex: “We lost Rhode Island? I’m dumbfounded! I mean, who knew Rhode Island was even a state!”

Dick: “Don’t get your wingtips in a bunch, Rex. Lincoln Chafee was a liberal tool, anyway. I’ve long suspected that he was just a cancerous growth ejected from Ted Kennedy’s liver. Chances are the Democrat that won will be more conservative than him, so score one for the good guys! We’ll be fine as long as Missouri, Montana or Virginia goes our way.”

2145: Rex: “Things aren’t looking so good in Missouri, sir. Is it too late to give John Ashcroft a recess appointment to the Senate?”

Dick: “I thought about that, Rex…I even had a provision for it drawn up in Patriot Act III, but that damn do-nothing Congress wouldn’t even consider it.”

2250: Dick: “Well, it seems we lost the House. No biggie…I’ll just have Alberto write up some legal mumbo-jumbo that makes presidential orders supercede anything those lower house pansies cook up...including impeachment!

Rex: Sir, you don’t look well…should I summon the medical team?

2340: Rex: “Um, sir? CNN says that South Dakota have rejected a ban on all abortions? Do they hate Jesus?”

Dick: “Fuck Jesus! We needed that law to go to the Supremes! Christ, Scalia had his majority opinion already written…it was fucking beautiful! I soooo want to kill something right now! I mean, don’t South Dakotans appreciate the sanctity of life!”

2359: Rex: “Mr. Vice President, are we going to lose the Senate, too? Please say it ain’t so!”

Dick: (Sigh) “Well, I never thought this day would come, but I’ve made contingency plans. Quick, it’s almost midnight…get me to my crypt before the villagers show up with the pitchforks!”

ELECTION DERELICTION OF DUTY

Rex Works the Polls…Not in a Mark Foley Way

(Undisclosed Location, South Dakota) While other so-called “journalists” who went to “journalism school” and get “paid” for being a “journalist” are busy today misinterpreting exit polls and cluck-clucking over alleged voter “irregularities” and “fraud,” Rex Kramer (Danger-Seeker,) like the Vice President during Vietnam, has other priorities. After joining Dick Cheney’s hunting party for a day of manly animal-killing in the wilds of South Dakota, Rex and the Veep relaxed in the den of Tom Daschle’s former hunting lodge (bought for ten cents on the dollar in a debt-liquidation sale) and watched the election results come in.

Rex, ever the journalist, kept detailed notes regarding his Tuesday with Cheney, and will submit his story to SG tomorrow. While we don’t want to spoil the ending, let’s just say that at press time things are going swimmingly well for the GOP!

CHENEY’S GOT A GUN!

VP On “Hunt For Red November”

(Big Stone City, SD) Those close to “Dead Eye” Dick Cheney know that the Vice President lives by two credos. The first, of course, is “Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentations of their women,” but this is closely followed by, “when the going gets tough, the tough go hunting!” With the plethora of Democratic attack ads supported by the weight of the liberal media making this campaign season one of the toughest ever for his party, Cheney will go hunting on Election Day and leave behind in Washington the negative politics of the Democratic Party. “I’ve gotta go kill something,” enthusiastically grumbled the Vice President as he exited a White House staff meeting in which the latest mid-term election polls were discussed.

An aide explained that Cheney’s trip to abortion-free South Dakota will differ from his most recent hunting expedition in that the VP will be carrying buck (and not bird) shot, and there is little chance that anyone in his party will be shot in the face. Joining Cheney on the trip will be his daughter Mary and political advisor Mel Raines, both of whom will be donning bullet-proof goalie masks during the trip to protect themselves from being recognized by radical abortion rights activists. “I always stand behind the Vice President,” loyally vowed Raines, who will keep Cheney updated on the elections during the killing spree. “Sometimes several steps behind, and often protected by cover from incoming fire, and possibly while carrying a sign that reads ‘please don’t shoot me,’ but stand behind him I do.”

While Cheney’s exact location in South Dakota is undisclosed and the nature of his prey is unknown, it is suspected that he’ll be stalking a species whose population seems to have exploded over the past two years. “The American donkey herds need to be thinned,” argued newly-appointed Secretary of the Interior Ted Nugent. “Their numbers have increased beyond the ability of their environment to sustain them, and they’ve become quite aggressive of late. I believe their mere existence threatens our national security, and more importantly, the Vice President shares my view.”

SPURIOUS GEORGE ENDORSEMENTS

Vote For These People, Or You Hate America!

Despite being relatively new on the political pundit circle, it is now widely held that any candidate fortunate enough to receive Spurious George’s endorsement should just go ahead and have his or her new office measured for new curtains. With that in mind, SG today provide you, the ill-informed lemming, with the slate of Senatorial candidates you should support…if, that is, you love your country!

Arizona: In 2006, Time magazine named Jon Kyl (R) one of its “Ten Best Senators”…the same magazine that in 2004 named President Bush “Man of the Year!” With credentials such as that, how could SG not support Kyl in his re-election bid?

California: There are many reasons to oppose the incumbent, Dianne Feinstein (D), not the least of which is she was once the mayor of America-hating San Francisco. Thus, we are compelled to stand behind her challenger, Richard Mountjoy (R)…and besides, isn’t “Mountjoy” just a name you’d love to hear Arnold Schwarzenegger say for the next six years?

Connecticut: We’re breaking from our “Republicans-only” endorsements and lending our gravitas to the candidacy of Joe Lieberman (Connecticut for Lieberman Party nominee…who saw that one coming?) Although we have had our differences with him in the past, Lieberman has proven that he’s always willing to “stay the course” even when all evidence indicates another tactic.

Delaware: Republican Jan Ting is a veteran of WWII’s Battle of the Bulge, while his opponent, incumbent Democrat Thomas Carper, has only added to the bulge of the federal deficit. Also, Carper has refused to move to Washington despite a 16 year career as a legislator…what, is our nation’s capital not good enough for him? Jan Ting fought for our nation’s capital, and he’ll fight for you as a US Senator! Go Kat-Kat!

Florida: What can you say about Katherine Harris (R) that hasn’t already been said? The word on the (K) street is she’s now writing a book about all the people who have wronged her…but one wonders how she’ll find the time for her literary endeavors once she becomes Florida’s next great Senator!

Hawaii: The same publication that tabbed Sen. Kyle as one of the Senate’s best named Hawaii’s incumbent, Daniel Akaka, one of its five worst…which makes us as mad as Jack Lord thumping a bad guy that he’s currently leading Republican Cynthia Thielen by a wide margin. In our opinion, Akaka is a macacca.

Massachusetts: We here at SG would endorse an inanimate carbon rod over Ted Kennedy (D.) We don’t even know the GOP nominee’s name, but whoever it is, vote for him or her. Mary Jo Kopechne and every other young woman he’s killed demands it!

Maine: Contrary to how it may sound, “Olympia Snowe” is not a porno star, but rather Maine’s shining star Senator, and a dark horse candidate for the 2008 White House nomination. Her future seems bright…unlike that of her opponent, Jean Hay Bright (D.)

Michigan: Incumbent Debbie Stabenow (D) is the Democrats’ third-ranking member of the Senate, which is not unlike being the third-string point guard for the Washington Generals (ask your husband.) To date, her greatest accomplishment seems to be acting as a stand-in for Ronald McDonald at restaurant openings. We endorse her opponent Mike Brouchard because, quite frankly, there are more than enough ugly women in DC.

Minnesota: For this open seat we here at SG are doing the unthinkable and endorsing a Kennedy…Mark Kennedy (R.) Unlike others in the Kennedy clan, Mark has voted with the President 98% of the time, which means he’ll be a loyal, yet slightly-independent voice for his constituents!

Missouri: Most polls have the race for this seat as a dead-heat, which to SG is inconceivable given Sen. James Talent’s strong record of both America AND Jesus-loving! Anti gay marriage, stem cell research, flag-burning and abortion, Talent is “right” on all of the important issues, and deserves re-election.

Montana: In another tight race, Sen. Conrad Burns and his 39% approval rating (lowest in the Senate) is up against…get this…organic farmer Jon Tester! Folks, the day the salt-of-the-earth people of Montana elect a hippie is the same day that a Republican Congressman is outed as a pedophilic homosexual. Ain’t gonna happen!

Nebraska: Question our patriotism (if you dare,) but we like incumbent Democrat Ben Nelson. As a filibuster-opposing, pro-life, gun-owning legislator, Nelson ranks “more conservative” than five sitting Republican Senators! While we’re certain his opponent Pete Ricketts (R) would be equally-loving, Nelson, like Joe Lieberman, is the kind of liberal with whom we can work.

New Jersey: Control of the Senate, much like control of the nation’s unions, may rest with New Jersey. With that in mind, we have no choice but to endorse Thomas Kean, Jr, despite his father’s 9/11 Commission treasonous accusations that the attack could have been prevented.

New Mexico: Sitting Senator Jeff Bingaman (D) was first elected in 1982, and that’s about the most noteworthy thing we can say about him. We here at SG have a burning sensation for Republican urologist Allen McCulloch, and believe you should too!

Nevada: A solid conservative such as incumbent John Ensign (R) would have secured our blessing irregardless of his opponent, but he was doubly-blessed when Jack Carter (son of Jimmy “Lust in My Heart” Carter) secured the Democrats’ nomination.

New York: Hillary Clinton is seeking re-election. Unless Osama is running against her, well, we’re sure you know who we won’t be voting for.

Ohio: In what may be the nastiest Senate campaign, why not stay the course with the party of “uniting, not dividing?” Mike DeVine’s (R) photo-shopped 9/11 adds have been particularly inspiring, and more than make up for the fact that he’s missed 50% of the meetings of the Senate Intelligence Committee that’s tasked with overseeing our nation’s safety from terrorists.

Pennsylvania: Folks, if you don’t love Rick Santorum (R), you hate Jesus…and will be rightfully smited!

Rhode Island: Lincoln Chafee (R) is regularly identified as the Senate’s most-liberal Republican….which means he’s still infinitely more America-loving than the most conservative Democrat (an oxymoron if ever there was one.)

Ok, this is even boring me…let’s cut to the chase:

Tennessee: Bob Corker (R)
Texas: Kay Bailey Hutchison (R)
Utah: Orrin Hatch (R)
Virginia: George Allen (R)
Vermont: Richard Tarrant (R)…he’s running against a socialist, for God sake!
Washington: Mike McGavick (R)
Wisconsin: Robert Lorge (R)
West Virginia: John Raese (R)
Wyoming: Craig Thomas (R)

VERMONT HATES AMERICA

State to Send Socialist to Senate

(Montpelier, VT) America’s second least-populated state has foisted more than its fair share of America-haters upon the nation, from Howard Dean to Ben & Jerry to the band Phish, but until now at least had the good sense to at least pretend to support democracy. Now, however, it appears that Vermont’s thinly-veiled America-hating has been exposed to the world, as the proletariat there are on the verge of electing America’s first Socialist US Senator. Bernie Sanders, Vermont’s lone Congressman for the past 16 years, wants to bring his Stalinistic stylings to the Senate, and it appears the voters love their local Lenin. The most recent polls show Sanders with a 26-point lead over the vastly more patriotic Republican opponent in their race for an unoccupied seat, a finding that startles most pundits. “Bernie really is a subject for political anthropology,” observed University of Vermont professor Garrison Nelson. “He has no political party. He has never been called charming. He has no money, and none of the resources we normally associate with success (actual quote.)”

News of the commie Congressman’s coming putsch was met with understandable alarm by President Bush, who as a young fighter pilot defended Alabama from the Vietnamese communist horde. “I didn’t defend the skies over Birmingham from Charlie just so a pink-o commie could sit in the Senate,” a patriotically-perturbed President pontificated. “While I believe in the rights of Vermontites, er, Vermonters, um, Vermontonians to elect whomever they choose, as we’re finding out in Iraq, there’s sometimes too much freedom. God bless America.”

Others in Washington weren’t quite as magnanimous as the President. Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN,) for example, announced that he’ll be sponsoring a bill that would forcibly remove Vermont from the Union. “As a doctor and a Senator, I know that 49 white stars on a field of blue are much more symmetrical…that’s a medical term, by the way…than 49 white stars and 1 red one.” When informed that there existed a possibility that the Democrats could take a majority in the Senate and thus block any attempt to oust Vermont and its’ two leftist Senators, Frist chuckled like a man who knows something the rest of America doesn’t. Patting a Diebold voting machine, Frist assured, “In my medical opinion, I don’t think we have to worry about that.”

Unless you’re some kind of commie, you’ll head over to The Blue Republic today, where Rex asks, “Why do Democrats hate gay people?”

OSAMA CAPTURED!!!

Bin Laden Busted in Maine, Exposed as a Democrat

(Portland, ME) The wildly-successful wars in Iraq and Afghanistan were completely justified Tuesday when Osama bin Laden was captured moments before executing another terrorist attack on American soil. Bin Laden, who along with Saddam Hussein plotted and carried out the cowardly attacks on 9/11, was taken into custody by South Portland (Maine) police officers after receiving several reports of a heavily-armed man threatening passing motorists and displaying a sign that read, “I Love The Taliban!” The responding officers (each of whom was immediately awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom,) quickly identified the al Qaeda chief by his tell-tale beard, explosives, and freedom-hating mannerisms. “We weren’t entirely certain he was UBL until we checked his wallet,” humbly announced Sgt. Ronald Dumsfeld. “But once we found his ACLU membership card, we knew for sure.”

In addition to being confirmed as a card-carrying liberal, bin Laden’s wallet revealed a possibly-forged Maine driver’s license displaying the name “Thomas J. Connolly.” The FBI issued a statement announcing that an investigation had been launched to determine if the Thomas J. Connolly who ran for governor as a Democrat in 1998 and Osama bin Laden are the same person. “Our psychological forensic people have long held that Osama is probably a registered Democrat,” reported FBI Director Robert Mueller, who also was issued a Medal of Freedom on the spot. “While his arrest today means John Kerry is no longer the #1 suspect, I think it also proves beyond a reasonable doubt that liberals hate America with a previously-unsuspected intensity.”

Mueller’s reasonable conclusions were supported by top administration officials, who expressed their firm belief that voters would never allow the party who brought both Saddam and Osama to justice to be replaced in the upcoming mid-term elections. “On this, the last day of October, surprise is an emotion that no voter is feeling when it comes to the treason inherent in the Democratic Party,” non-partisanly expressed Karl Rove while accepting his fourth Medal of Freedom. “On Election Day, I’m sure the American people will remember that because we stayed the course, before we stopped staying the course, two out of three of America’s greatest enemies are now behind bars…and John Kerry’s day is coming!”

THE YEAR OF LIVING SPURIOUSLY

SG Turns One Year Old, But Acts At Least Three

Tonight while the illegitimate children of satan-worshipping single welfare mothers are roaming your neighborhood like a pack of Somali thugs, whoring themselves door-to-door for wrapped baubles of confectionary or crack cocaine, the Spurious George staff will gather at Rex Kramer’s estate for their weekly prayer dinner and Trivial Pursuit (Reagan Edition) tournament. While most of the evening’s conversation will no doubt be consumed with praises for the Lord and prayers for Mark Foley’s soul, we may allow ourselves the forgivable sin of pride when he toast today’s first anniversary of Spurious George with a glass of domestic, non-alcoholic champagne.

Just one year ago today I started SG with nothing more than an outdated computer and a dream…a dream to educate the hippie horde about the sweet, sweet lightness of being inherent in unquestioned America-loving. While the dream remains the same, so much else, unlike the average hippie’s underwear, has changed. Thanks to our tax-exempt status as a recognized religion, we’ve been able to move up from our original, humbles offices (aka “mom’s spare room”) to the stately Kramerica Kompound, a palatial estate befitting an organization as universally-applauded as ours, and which often times serves as one of Dick Cheney’s “undisclosed locations” whenever the terrorist threat level rises above yellow. Also, we have embossed stationary now…and are thinking about getting team jackets.

I will admit that when we started this kooky thing we promised this would be a one-year-only endeavor, after which the entire staff would enlist in the Marine Corps with the understanding that we’d all be sent to Iraq until the war was won once and for all. That said, it has become clear to us that, much like the Republicans who swore in 1994 that they would serve a maximum of twelve years in Congress, we serve our nation much more efficiently in our current positions. We of course support our troops, and look forward to joining them on the front lines of freedom this time next year. Maybe. We have this trick knee, you see.

In any event, it has been a pleasure providing RexHead Nation© with near-daily doses of patriotic prose for the past 365.25 days. Now, go get a haircut!

JEAN SCHMIDT: A PROFILE IN COURAGE

Cincy's Sexy Stay-the-Courser Stands Strong!

(Cincinnati) When contemplating history’s great women of self-sacrifice, most people conjure up images of Mother Teresa, Florence Nightingale, and Britney Spears (although not necessarily in that order.) Future generations, however, will no doubt add to that list Rep. Jean Schmidt (R-OH,) a striking woman unafraid to speak the truth, fight for justice, or expose her constituents to imported nuclear waste. Despite being inexplicably in a dead-heat with a Democratic, cut-and-run advocating challenger, Schmidt was characteristically decisive when confronted with the political glowing-potato of a proposed nuclear waste dump being placed within her district. “I'm not advocating for it one way or the other,” Schmidt in no way waffled. “I'm saying it is something we need to look at (actual quote.)"



While some al Qaeda sympathizers in her southern Ohio district aren’t so much worried about looking at it as they are inhaling and drinking it, more patriotic pundits point out that Schmidt’s stance is consistent with her life-long dedication to conservative principles. “Unlike her opponent, Congresswoman Schmidt would rather import nuclear materials than export them,” rationally explained fellow female freedom-lover Ann Coulter, noting that the site would receive radioactive residue from around the world that might otherwise end up in a mushroom cloud over Cincinnati. Also piping in was Michelle Malkin, a hot import in her own right. “While Democrats seem to favor out-sourcing jobs, Jean Schmidt is working hard to bring high-wage, hazardous waste jobs to her district.” The proposed uranium heap would create “hundreds, maybe thousands of jobs” according to Schmidt, in an area with double-digit unemployment (thanks to Clinton having sex with an intern.) While these jobs would come without health benefits, most feel the point is moot as government scientific-esque studies have revealed that exposure to nuclear waste not only makes one healthier, it holds the possibility of producing super-powers!

As stay-the-course subscribers of Spurious George know, this was not the first time Schmidt proved her patriotic prowess. Her shining moment came when on the House floor she accurately described Rep. John Murtha (D-PA,) like John Kerry a Vietnam veteran of dubious distinction who voted for the war in Iraq before he voted against it, as something less than manly. “Cowards cut and run, Marines never do,” heroically charged the freshman Congresswoman at the 32-year House veteran in response to the allegedly-hawkish Pennsylvanian’s calls for a pull-out from Iraq just when the insurgency was in its final throes. Murtha, by all accounts a sensitive grudge-holder, has responded by raising money for the campaign of Schmidt’s anti-job creation, pro-job outsourcing opponent. On one campaign stop Murtha even stooped to making disparaging remarks about Schmidt’s physical attributes (which naturally were ignored by the mainstream media.) “These guys are sitting on their fat backsides and sending our young people into harm's way with 70-pound packs on their back and they're saying Iraq is an open-ended process, with no end in sight,” slandered the cowardly Congressman. “Our young men and women in the military deserve better (actual quote.)”

TWO PARTIES TOO MANY?

Unopposed “Elections” Kick Ass!

(Washington) Republican National Committee chairman Ken Mehlman has seen the future of elections, and it is good. Cheering a report which indicates that 30% of the nation’s legislative candidates are running unopposed in this election, Mehlman predicted that in coming years that figure could, and should, go higher. “Those who are disgusted by the Democrats’ negative and divisive campaign ads will undoubtedly demand the civility that is inherent in the single-candidate ballot,” proclaimed Mehlman, a long-time proponent of polite polling. “If we as Americans are to speak as one voice as the Constitution demands we do, there simply is no better way to accomplish this than to limit the voices on the ballot to one. To suggest otherwise means one does not support the troops. It’s that simple, people.”




Mehlman is hardly alone in his advocacy for a streamlined election process. Mainstream citizens such as incumbents from both parties, campaign strategists and liberty-loving lobbyists all believe that when it comes to election options, one is hardly the loneliest number. “An unopposed election means less time on the campaign trail and more time doing America’s business,” reasonably asserted Senator and President pro tempore Ted Stevens (R-AK.) “Business such as building bridges to nowhere, placing secret holds on votes intended to create transparency in government, and determining once and for all that the internet is just a series of tubes.”

While most are allowing the political market dictate the future of unopposed elections, more forward-thinking conservatives are more pro-active in bringing this sensible concept to fruition. Among these is Ken Blackwell of Ohio, the GOP’s nominee for governor. While not endorsing the plan directly, some of his more efficiency-minded minions have proposed that Ohio’s Secretary of State use his powers to remove his opponent from the ballot. While some might argue that the Democratic candidate’s double-digit lead in the polls is behind this movement, those kind of people just hate America.