OSAMA CAPTURED!!!

Bin Laden Busted in Maine, Exposed as a Democrat

(Portland, ME) The wildly-successful wars in Iraq and Afghanistan were completely justified Tuesday when Osama bin Laden was captured moments before executing another terrorist attack on American soil. Bin Laden, who along with Saddam Hussein plotted and carried out the cowardly attacks on 9/11, was taken into custody by South Portland (Maine) police officers after receiving several reports of a heavily-armed man threatening passing motorists and displaying a sign that read, “I Love The Taliban!” The responding officers (each of whom was immediately awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom,) quickly identified the al Qaeda chief by his tell-tale beard, explosives, and freedom-hating mannerisms. “We weren’t entirely certain he was UBL until we checked his wallet,” humbly announced Sgt. Ronald Dumsfeld. “But once we found his ACLU membership card, we knew for sure.”

In addition to being confirmed as a card-carrying liberal, bin Laden’s wallet revealed a possibly-forged Maine driver’s license displaying the name “Thomas J. Connolly.” The FBI issued a statement announcing that an investigation had been launched to determine if the Thomas J. Connolly who ran for governor as a Democrat in 1998 and Osama bin Laden are the same person. “Our psychological forensic people have long held that Osama is probably a registered Democrat,” reported FBI Director Robert Mueller, who also was issued a Medal of Freedom on the spot. “While his arrest today means John Kerry is no longer the #1 suspect, I think it also proves beyond a reasonable doubt that liberals hate America with a previously-unsuspected intensity.”

Mueller’s reasonable conclusions were supported by top administration officials, who expressed their firm belief that voters would never allow the party who brought both Saddam and Osama to justice to be replaced in the upcoming mid-term elections. “On this, the last day of October, surprise is an emotion that no voter is feeling when it comes to the treason inherent in the Democratic Party,” non-partisanly expressed Karl Rove while accepting his fourth Medal of Freedom. “On Election Day, I’m sure the American people will remember that because we stayed the course, before we stopped staying the course, two out of three of America’s greatest enemies are now behind bars…and John Kerry’s day is coming!”