BIG DICK ELECTION EXCLUSIVE

Rex Spends Quality Time with Cheney

Note: Our very own Rex Kramer spent Election Night with Vice President Dick Cheney at a South Dakota hunting lodge patriotically donated by Indian tribe clients of Jack Abramoff, where after a day of killing animals they planned to relax by watching Republicans kill Democrats (metaphorically…for now) in the voting booth. The following is a chronological record of this historic convergence of conservative craniums.

1900 (EST): Rex: “The polls have just closed in Florida, Mr. Vice President, and already the liberal media is claiming Bill Nelson has trounced Katherine Harris in a landslide. If this isn’t proof of the fallibility of exit polling, I don’t know what is.”

Dick: (Gnawing on a bald eagle thigh) “Normally, Rex, I’d agree with you, but we cut Kat-Kat loose months ago. Sure, she served her purpose back in 2000, but you can only use a condom once, my friend. Too bad…she had a nice rack.”

1950: Rex: “Fox News is reporting that Lieberman will keep his job. Is this good news or bad news, sir?”

Dick: “It’s great news, Rex. That little Jew’s our ace in the hole in the extremely unlikely event the liberals take the Senate. Sure, he calls himself a Democrat, but let me assure you that party loyalty only goes so far when you have pictures of him engaged in unspeakable acts with Al Gore. Hehehe, I love Photo Shop!©”

2035: (Reacting to projections that Rick Santorum will lose his seat) Dick: “God damn it! I told Rove we needed Pennsylvania! He told me we had all the Diebolds we needed in place. Remind me to skull-fuck that little turd-blossom in the morning!”

Rex: Sir, you’re frothing.

2105: Rex: “We lost Rhode Island? I’m dumbfounded! I mean, who knew Rhode Island was even a state!”

Dick: “Don’t get your wingtips in a bunch, Rex. Lincoln Chafee was a liberal tool, anyway. I’ve long suspected that he was just a cancerous growth ejected from Ted Kennedy’s liver. Chances are the Democrat that won will be more conservative than him, so score one for the good guys! We’ll be fine as long as Missouri, Montana or Virginia goes our way.”

2145: Rex: “Things aren’t looking so good in Missouri, sir. Is it too late to give John Ashcroft a recess appointment to the Senate?”

Dick: “I thought about that, Rex…I even had a provision for it drawn up in Patriot Act III, but that damn do-nothing Congress wouldn’t even consider it.”

2250: Dick: “Well, it seems we lost the House. No biggie…I’ll just have Alberto write up some legal mumbo-jumbo that makes presidential orders supercede anything those lower house pansies cook up...including impeachment!

Rex: Sir, you don’t look well…should I summon the medical team?

2340: Rex: “Um, sir? CNN says that South Dakota have rejected a ban on all abortions? Do they hate Jesus?”

Dick: “Fuck Jesus! We needed that law to go to the Supremes! Christ, Scalia had his majority opinion already written…it was fucking beautiful! I soooo want to kill something right now! I mean, don’t South Dakotans appreciate the sanctity of life!”

2359: Rex: “Mr. Vice President, are we going to lose the Senate, too? Please say it ain’t so!”

Dick: (Sigh) “Well, I never thought this day would come, but I’ve made contingency plans. Quick, it’s almost midnight…get me to my crypt before the villagers show up with the pitchforks!”

ELECTION DERELICTION OF DUTY

Rex Works the Polls…Not in a Mark Foley Way

(Undisclosed Location, South Dakota) While other so-called “journalists” who went to “journalism school” and get “paid” for being a “journalist” are busy today misinterpreting exit polls and cluck-clucking over alleged voter “irregularities” and “fraud,” Rex Kramer (Danger-Seeker,) like the Vice President during Vietnam, has other priorities. After joining Dick Cheney’s hunting party for a day of manly animal-killing in the wilds of South Dakota, Rex and the Veep relaxed in the den of Tom Daschle’s former hunting lodge (bought for ten cents on the dollar in a debt-liquidation sale) and watched the election results come in.

Rex, ever the journalist, kept detailed notes regarding his Tuesday with Cheney, and will submit his story to SG tomorrow. While we don’t want to spoil the ending, let’s just say that at press time things are going swimmingly well for the GOP!

CHENEY’S GOT A GUN!

VP On “Hunt For Red November”

(Big Stone City, SD) Those close to “Dead Eye” Dick Cheney know that the Vice President lives by two credos. The first, of course, is “Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentations of their women,” but this is closely followed by, “when the going gets tough, the tough go hunting!” With the plethora of Democratic attack ads supported by the weight of the liberal media making this campaign season one of the toughest ever for his party, Cheney will go hunting on Election Day and leave behind in Washington the negative politics of the Democratic Party. “I’ve gotta go kill something,” enthusiastically grumbled the Vice President as he exited a White House staff meeting in which the latest mid-term election polls were discussed.

An aide explained that Cheney’s trip to abortion-free South Dakota will differ from his most recent hunting expedition in that the VP will be carrying buck (and not bird) shot, and there is little chance that anyone in his party will be shot in the face. Joining Cheney on the trip will be his daughter Mary and political advisor Mel Raines, both of whom will be donning bullet-proof goalie masks during the trip to protect themselves from being recognized by radical abortion rights activists. “I always stand behind the Vice President,” loyally vowed Raines, who will keep Cheney updated on the elections during the killing spree. “Sometimes several steps behind, and often protected by cover from incoming fire, and possibly while carrying a sign that reads ‘please don’t shoot me,’ but stand behind him I do.”

While Cheney’s exact location in South Dakota is undisclosed and the nature of his prey is unknown, it is suspected that he’ll be stalking a species whose population seems to have exploded over the past two years. “The American donkey herds need to be thinned,” argued newly-appointed Secretary of the Interior Ted Nugent. “Their numbers have increased beyond the ability of their environment to sustain them, and they’ve become quite aggressive of late. I believe their mere existence threatens our national security, and more importantly, the Vice President shares my view.”