TWO PARTIES TOO MANY?

Unopposed “Elections” Kick Ass!

(Washington) Republican National Committee chairman Ken Mehlman has seen the future of elections, and it is good. Cheering a report which indicates that 30% of the nation’s legislative candidates are running unopposed in this election, Mehlman predicted that in coming years that figure could, and should, go higher. “Those who are disgusted by the Democrats’ negative and divisive campaign ads will undoubtedly demand the civility that is inherent in the single-candidate ballot,” proclaimed Mehlman, a long-time proponent of polite polling. “If we as Americans are to speak as one voice as the Constitution demands we do, there simply is no better way to accomplish this than to limit the voices on the ballot to one. To suggest otherwise means one does not support the troops. It’s that simple, people.”




Mehlman is hardly alone in his advocacy for a streamlined election process. Mainstream citizens such as incumbents from both parties, campaign strategists and liberty-loving lobbyists all believe that when it comes to election options, one is hardly the loneliest number. “An unopposed election means less time on the campaign trail and more time doing America’s business,” reasonably asserted Senator and President pro tempore Ted Stevens (R-AK.) “Business such as building bridges to nowhere, placing secret holds on votes intended to create transparency in government, and determining once and for all that the internet is just a series of tubes.”

While most are allowing the political market dictate the future of unopposed elections, more forward-thinking conservatives are more pro-active in bringing this sensible concept to fruition. Among these is Ken Blackwell of Ohio, the GOP’s nominee for governor. While not endorsing the plan directly, some of his more efficiency-minded minions have proposed that Ohio’s Secretary of State use his powers to remove his opponent from the ballot. While some might argue that the Democratic candidate’s double-digit lead in the polls is behind this movement, those kind of people just hate America.