Spurious George

KISSINGER CUTS AND RUNS

2006-11-20T07:44:00.000-05:00

Former Advisor’s Patriotism Questioned, Green Card Revoked

(London) If anyone knows when a war is beyond winning, it’s former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger. Still, Kissinger’s recent defeatist statements to the BBC regarding Iraq came as a shock to most patriotic Americans, given that he himself advised President Bush on the war since before the first shocking and awesome volley of missiles into Baghdad. “If you mean by 'military victory' an Iraqi government that can be established and whose writ runs across the whole country, that gets the civil war under control and sectarian violence under control in a time period that the political processes of the democracies will support, I don't believe that is possible,*” droned Kissinger is a treasonous tone not unlike John Kerry’s…with the exception of the scary German accent, of course.

Kissinger’s liberal-like outlook on the war may affect the tone of the soon-to-be-released Iraq Study Group’s report, as the Austrian out-of-the-mainstreamer’s views had been sought by study group guru James Baker. At least one administration insider (who requested anonymity) expressed concern that the tidal wave of criticism from former allies was threatening the levees of liberty. “God damn it, if Baker’s against the war, I swear I’ll grab my shotgun and shoot the first lawyer I see in the face,” reasonably ranted the reactionary Republican (who identified himself only as “#2…with a bullet.”) Others in the President’s circle, dismissed Kissinger’s assessment out of hand. “Let’s be honest,” smirked White House spokes-model Tony Snow, “when it comes to matters of war, Henry Kissinger has never been right about anything. Ever.”

As expected, war-mongering liberals jumped on Kissinger’s dissent and offered up their own imperialistic plan for victory. Congressman Charles Rangel (D-NY,) the pre-ordained chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee and a man whose thirst for blood knows no end, has proposed a military draft as a means to augment the all-volunteer force. Closet liberal John McCain (R-AZ,) while opposing any draft efforts, erroneously believes that more troops will seal the deal in Iraq. Both troop-haters, however, were put in their unpatriotic place by the nation’s “new Kissinger,” former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. “The path to victory was clearly laid out in the ‘Rumsfeld Doctrine,” he opined from his new Heritage Foundation office. “Less troops, less body armor, more shock and more awe…these are the tools needed to bring down the yellow menace, er, I mean the insurgency!”

* - Actual Quote

NEW YORK HATES AMERICA

2006-11-19T07:05:00.000-05:00

Poll Exposes Pro-Hillary, Racist Bias

(New York) Edging ever closer to Massachusetts’ formerly-undisputed title of “America’s Most Out-of-the-Mainstream State,” New York today made it clear that when it comes to America-hating, it truly is the city-state that never sleeps. A new Quinnipiac poll revealed that Hillary would crush Rudy Giuliani in a hypothetical 2008 presidential election. The poll, which sampled the seditious opinion of 1,314 patrons of Greenwich Village’s “Elanor Roosevelt Lounge” during the height of its annual week-long “We Hate Italians” celebration, has Hillary winning 67% to 47%, proving once again that not only do New Yorkers hate America, they apparently suck at math (on a related note, the poll had an error margin of ± 110%)

Luckily, and although New York considers itself the center of the universe, the phrase “As New York goes, so goes the nation” has never caught on in political circles. “Virginia is for lovers, but New York is for losers” opined incoming GOP chairman Mel Martinez, pointing out that the Empire State backed Al Gore and John Kerry in the past two presidential elections. “You’d think the that the state that was attacked on 9/11 would love America just a tad more, but no. Heck, those ingrates even protested our national convention there two years ago. Ungrateful Jew bastards!”

By satirically attacking Jews, Martinez was merely alluding to allegations that the poll revealed New York’s inherent racism. Giuliani is, after all, a white, Catholic male of Italian heritage who was also a former mayor of the state’s largest city…making him an easily-targeted minority of one (Fiorello LaGuardia and Vincent Impellitteri might have been allies of Rudy, but unfortunately both are currently dead.) Despite being the hero of 9/11, throughout his political career Giuliani has been the victim of Italian stereotypes…specifically, that all Italians have mob ties. “How ironic,” noted Martinez. “I mean, everyone knows that it’s Hillary who is turkey-neck-deep in organized crime. Hello? Whitewater?”

We Now Resume Our Normal Broadcast

2006-11-18T07:06:00.000-05:00

(Orlando) With the Kramerica Kompound now free of invited guests, Spurious George will resume its patriotic proclamations with tomorrow's editions. We'd re-open for business today, but we (and by "we" I of course mean Mrs. Kramer) have some house-cleaning to do. On that note, why not cleanse your soul over at The Blue Republic, where today Rex expounds on the House (and Senate) cleaning abilities of the fairer sex?

IS REX A REAL REPUBLICAN?

2006-11-13T19:47:00.000-05:00

Kramer Codifies His Conservative Credentials

I have recently been made aware of a nasty rumor making its rounds in the blogosphere that doesn’t bear repeating…so I’ll just go ahead and repeat it. If one is to believe the GOP-hating gossip, I, Rex Kramer (Danger-Seeker,) have been fraudulently representing myself as a Jesus-loving, staying-the-course Republican, when in fact I’m more the type who’d bad-mouth my country as I cut and run from her foreign commitments. Let me assure you, my dear RexHeads©, that nothing could be further from the truth (with the exception of anything that comes out of Nancy Pelosi’s treasonous mouth.) To put these lies to rest, however, I am willing to expose my detractors to a few personal entries in the “Rex Files”….tidbits of personal information that should prove once and for all that Rex Kramer loves America infinitely more than you, and thus must be a Republican!

For example, did you know that….

Rex served his country? Like most Republicans in public service, I proudly wore the uniform of our armed forces. In fact, I love my country so much I even refused to go AWOL when that draft-dodger Clinton took office! Sure, I never was exposed to combat while Slick Willy was the commander-in-chief, but as we all have learned since, that’s only because he was a big wuss! Oh, how I wish I was 10 years younger and able to serve under our current President in a state of perpetual war! Hoo-ah! Of course, I continue to combat evil on a smaller scale every day, as…

Rex fights crime, so you don’t have to! As anyone who has watched a “cop drama” knows, the life of a detective is both glamorous and rewarding. While chasing down Colombian drug lords through the streets of Orlando in my assigned Ferrari is exciting, I do it not to impress bikini-clad models, but rather to fulfill my pledge to make America safe. I ask you, is there a more conservative goal than that? That was a rhetorical question, of course, for as everyone knows I more than met my Republican obligations when…

Rex married a woman! Not only did pledge his love and fidelity to a member of the opposite sex, he impressed Jesus further by fathering three children with that same woman! Sure, a handful of liberals might enter into sham marriages, but do they possess enough manly sperm to sire three tax deductions? I think not! It goes without saying that all three of the Danger-Kids will ultimately follow their father’s footsteps when it comes time to leave the neo-con nest, as…

Rex did not attend an elitist east-coast college! Rex went to the University of Florida, a former all-male institution of provincial higher learning, and also the South’s last state school to integrate. Misogynistic and racist? Possibly. But more importantly, we can kick Harvard’s sorry ass in football!

So you see, my confused Kramericans©, once you take all of the biographical factors into account, there should be little doubt that Rex Kramer is not only a true Republican, but the kind of Republican other Republicans wish they could be!

Never doubt me again!

Note: The Kramerica compound this week will be hosting some out-of-town guests, and out of respect to them (Southern hospitality is not a thing of the past) will be taking a few days off from his usual daily-doses of democracy defending.

BLACK BOX VOTING, REDUX

2006-11-12T10:01:00.000-05:00

SG Proves 2006 Elections Were Fixed!

(Waldenburg, AR) As Arkansas is “Clinton Country,” it should come as little surprise that the first solid evidence that the mid-term elections were rigged was discovered not far from where the former president groped his first intern. The crack investigative team of Spurious George has learned that in tiny Waldenburg, “official” election results showed zero votes for a mayoral candidate, despite the fact he voted for himself! In addition to his own vote, candidate Randy Wooten has alleged, “I had at least eight or nine people who said they voted for me, so something is wrong with this picture!*” While SG has long believed that exit polls are inherently misleading, it seems highly unlikely that nine of Wooten’s friends would lie just to avoid hurting his feelings.

At issue is the use of electronic voting machines, which registered 18 votes for each of Wooten’s two opponents who, for all we know, also cast their votes for Wooten. State officials, more than likely holdovers from the Clinton era, have predictably thus far refused to crack open the “black boxes” to inspect for suspicious irregularities, or to order a re-count. Sneered Poinsett County Election Commissioner Junaway Payne, “It's our understanding from talking with the secretary of state's office that a court order would have to be obtained in order to open the machine and check the totals.*” Payne added that such a response was typical of “those big-city Little Rock lawyering folks!”

A run-off election between the two (allegedly) top vote-getters is scheduled for November 28th, and ironically Wooten’s vote could break the deadlock…if it’s counted, of course. “I feel so damn disenfranchised, I don’t reckon I’ll vote this time around,” harrumphed Wooten.

* - Indicates actual quote

BIG DICK ELECTION EXCLUSIVE

2006-11-11T08:35:00.000-05:00

Rex Spends Quality Time with Cheney

Note: Our very own Rex Kramer spent Election Night with Vice President Dick Cheney at a South Dakota hunting lodge patriotically donated by Indian tribe clients of Jack Abramoff, where after a day of killing animals they planned to relax by watching Republicans kill Democrats (metaphorically…for now) in the voting booth. The following is a chronological record of this historic convergence of conservative craniums.

1900 (EST): Rex: “The polls have just closed in Florida, Mr. Vice President, and already the liberal media is claiming Bill Nelson has trounced Katherine Harris in a landslide. If this isn’t proof of the fallibility of exit polling, I don’t know what is.”

Dick: (Gnawing on a bald eagle thigh) “Normally, Rex, I’d agree with you, but we cut Kat-Kat loose months ago. Sure, she served her purpose back in 2000, but you can only use a condom once, my friend. Too bad…she had a nice rack.”

1950: Rex: “Fox News is reporting that Lieberman will keep his job. Is this good news or bad news, sir?”

Dick: “It’s great news, Rex. That little Jew’s our ace in the hole in the extremely unlikely event the liberals take the Senate. Sure, he calls himself a Democrat, but let me assure you that party loyalty only goes so far when you have pictures of him engaged in unspeakable acts with Al Gore. Hehehe, I love Photo Shop!©”

2035: (Reacting to projections that Rick Santorum will lose his seat) Dick: “God damn it! I told Rove we needed Pennsylvania! He told me we had all the Diebolds we needed in place. Remind me to skull-fuck that little turd-blossom in the morning!”

Rex: Sir, you’re frothing.

2105: Rex: “We lost Rhode Island? I’m dumbfounded! I mean, who knew Rhode Island was even a state!”

Dick: “Don’t get your wingtips in a bunch, Rex. Lincoln Chafee was a liberal tool, anyway. I’ve long suspected that he was just a cancerous growth ejected from Ted Kennedy’s liver. Chances are the Democrat that won will be more conservative than him, so score one for the good guys! We’ll be fine as long as Missouri, Montana or Virginia goes our way.”

2145: Rex: “Things aren’t looking so good in Missouri, sir. Is it too late to give John Ashcroft a recess appointment to the Senate?”

Dick: “I thought about that, Rex…I even had a provision for it drawn up in Patriot Act III, but that damn do-nothing Congress wouldn’t even consider it.”

2250: Dick: “Well, it seems we lost the House. No biggie…I’ll just have Alberto write up some legal mumbo-jumbo that makes presidential orders supercede anything those lower house pansies cook up...including impeachment!

Rex: Sir, you don’t look well…should I summon the medical team?

2340: Rex: “Um, sir? CNN says that South Dakota have rejected a ban on all abortions? Do they hate Jesus?”

Dick: “Fuck Jesus! We needed that law to go to the Supremes! Christ, Scalia had his majority opinion already written…it was fucking beautiful! I soooo want to kill something right now! I mean, don’t South Dakotans appreciate the sanctity of life!”

2359: Rex: “Mr. Vice President, are we going to lose the Senate, too? Please say it ain’t so!”

Dick: (Sigh) “Well, I never thought this day would come, but I’ve made contingency plans. Quick, it’s almost midnight…get me to my crypt before the villagers show up with the pitchforks!”

ELECTION DERELICTION OF DUTY

2006-11-07T22:25:00.000-05:00

Rex Works the Polls…Not in a Mark Foley Way

(Undisclosed Location, South Dakota) While other so-called “journalists” who went to “journalism school” and get “paid” for being a “journalist” are busy today misinterpreting exit polls and cluck-clucking over alleged voter “irregularities” and “fraud,” Rex Kramer (Danger-Seeker,) like the Vice President during Vietnam, has other priorities. After joining Dick Cheney’s hunting party for a day of manly animal-killing in the wilds of South Dakota, Rex and the Veep relaxed in the den of Tom Daschle’s former hunting lodge (bought for ten cents on the dollar in a debt-liquidation sale) and watched the election results come in.

Rex, ever the journalist, kept detailed notes regarding his Tuesday with Cheney, and will submit his story to SG tomorrow. While we don’t want to spoil the ending, let’s just say that at press time things are going swimmingly well for the GOP!

CHENEY’S GOT A GUN!

2006-11-06T06:26:00.000-05:00

VP On “Hunt For Red November”

(Big Stone City, SD) Those close to “Dead Eye” Dick Cheney know that the Vice President lives by two credos. The first, of course, is “Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentations of their women,” but this is closely followed by, “when the going gets tough, the tough go hunting!” With the plethora of Democratic attack ads supported by the weight of the liberal media making this campaign season one of the toughest ever for his party, Cheney will go hunting on Election Day and leave behind in Washington the negative politics of the Democratic Party. “I’ve gotta go kill something,” enthusiastically grumbled the Vice President as he exited a White House staff meeting in which the latest mid-term election polls were discussed.

An aide explained that Cheney’s trip to abortion-free South Dakota will differ from his most recent hunting expedition in that the VP will be carrying buck (and not bird) shot, and there is little chance that anyone in his party will be shot in the face. Joining Cheney on the trip will be his daughter Mary and political advisor Mel Raines, both of whom will be donning bullet-proof goalie masks during the trip to protect themselves from being recognized by radical abortion rights activists. “I always stand behind the Vice President,” loyally vowed Raines, who will keep Cheney updated on the elections during the killing spree. “Sometimes several steps behind, and often protected by cover from incoming fire, and possibly while carrying a sign that reads ‘please don’t shoot me,’ but stand behind him I do.”

While Cheney’s exact location in South Dakota is undisclosed and the nature of his prey is unknown, it is suspected that he’ll be stalking a species whose population seems to have exploded over the past two years. “The American donkey herds need to be thinned,” argued newly-appointed Secretary of the Interior Ted Nugent. “Their numbers have increased beyond the ability of their environment to sustain them, and they’ve become quite aggressive of late. I believe their mere existence threatens our national security, and more importantly, the Vice President shares my view.”

SPURIOUS GEORGE ENDORSEMENTS

2006-11-05T18:55:00.000-05:00

Vote For These People, Or You Hate America!

Despite being relatively new on the political pundit circle, it is now widely held that any candidate fortunate enough to receive Spurious George’s endorsement should just go ahead and have his or her new office measured for new curtains. With that in mind, SG today provide you, the ill-informed lemming, with the slate of Senatorial candidates you should support…if, that is, you love your country!

Arizona: In 2006, Time magazine named Jon Kyl (R) one of its “Ten Best Senators”…the same magazine that in 2004 named President Bush “Man of the Year!” With credentials such as that, how could SG not support Kyl in his re-election bid?

California: There are many reasons to oppose the incumbent, Dianne Feinstein (D), not the least of which is she was once the mayor of America-hating San Francisco. Thus, we are compelled to stand behind her challenger, Richard Mountjoy (R)…and besides, isn’t “Mountjoy” just a name you’d love to hear Arnold Schwarzenegger say for the next six years?

Connecticut: We’re breaking from our “Republicans-only” endorsements and lending our gravitas to the candidacy of Joe Lieberman (Connecticut for Lieberman Party nominee…who saw that one coming?) Although we have had our differences with him in the past, Lieberman has proven that he’s always willing to “stay the course” even when all evidence indicates another tactic.

Delaware: Republican Jan Ting is a veteran of WWII’s Battle of the Bulge, while his opponent, incumbent Democrat Thomas Carper, has only added to the bulge of the federal deficit. Also, Carper has refused to move to Washington despite a 16 year career as a legislator…what, is our nation’s capital not good enough for him? Jan Ting fought for our nation’s capital, and he’ll fight for you as a US Senator! Go Kat-Kat!

Florida: What can you say about Katherine Harris (R) that hasn’t already been said? The word on the (K) street is she’s now writing a book about all the people who have wronged her…but one wonders how she’ll find the time for her literary endeavors once she becomes Florida’s next great Senator!

Hawaii: The same publication that tabbed Sen. Kyle as one of the Senate’s best named Hawaii’s incumbent, Daniel Akaka, one of its five worst…which makes us as mad as Jack Lord thumping a bad guy that he’s currently leading Republican Cynthia Thielen by a wide margin. In our opinion, Akaka is a macacca.

Massachusetts: We here at SG would endorse an inanimate carbon rod over Ted Kennedy (D.) We don’t even know the GOP nominee’s name, but whoever it is, vote for him or her. Mary Jo Kopechne and every other young woman he’s killed demands it!

Maine: Contrary to how it may sound, “Olympia Snowe” is not a porno star, but rather Maine’s shining star Senator, and a dark horse candidate for the 2008 White House nomination. Her future seems bright…unlike that of her opponent, Jean Hay Bright (D.)

Michigan: Incumbent Debbie Stabenow (D) is the Democrats’ third-ranking member of the Senate, which is not unlike being the third-string point guard for the Washington Generals (ask your husband.) To date, her greatest accomplishment seems to be acting as a stand-in for Ronald McDonald at restaurant openings. We endorse her opponent Mike Brouchard because, quite frankly, there are more than enough ugly women in DC.

Minnesota: For this open seat we here at SG are doing the unthinkable and endorsing a Kennedy…Mark Kennedy (R.) Unlike others in the Kennedy clan, Mark has voted with the President 98% of the time, which means he’ll be a loyal, yet slightly-independent voice for his constituents!

Missouri: Most polls have the race for this seat as a dead-heat, which to SG is inconceivable given Sen. James Talent’s strong record of both America AND Jesus-loving! Anti gay marriage, stem cell research, flag-burning and abortion, Talent is “right” on all of the important issues, and deserves re-election.

Montana: In another tight race, Sen. Conrad Burns and his 39% approval rating (lowest in the Senate) is up against…get this…organic farmer Jon Tester! Folks, the day the salt-of-the-earth people of Montana elect a hippie is the same day that a Republican Congressman is outed as a pedophilic homosexual. Ain’t gonna happen!

Nebraska: Question our patriotism (if you dare,) but we like incumbent Democrat Ben Nelson. As a filibuster-opposing, pro-life, gun-owning legislator, Nelson ranks “more conservative” than five sitting Republican Senators! While we’re certain his opponent Pete Ricketts (R) would be equally-loving, Nelson, like Joe Lieberman, is the kind of liberal with whom we can work.

New Jersey: Control of the Senate, much like control of the nation’s unions, may rest with New Jersey. With that in mind, we have no choice but to endorse Thomas Kean, Jr, despite his father’s 9/11 Commission treasonous accusations that the attack could have been prevented.

New Mexico: Sitting Senator Jeff Bingaman (D) was first elected in 1982, and that’s about the most noteworthy thing we can say about him. We here at SG have a burning sensation for Republican urologist Allen McCulloch, and believe you should too!

Nevada: A solid conservative such as incumbent John Ensign (R) would have secured our blessing irregardless of his opponent, but he was doubly-blessed when Jack Carter (son of Jimmy “Lust in My Heart” Carter) secured the Democrats’ nomination.

New York: Hillary Clinton is seeking re-election. Unless Osama is running against her, well, we’re sure you know who we won’t be voting for.

Ohio: In what may be the nastiest Senate campaign, why not stay the course with the party of “uniting, not dividing?” Mike DeVine’s (R) photo-shopped 9/11 adds have been particularly inspiring, and more than make up for the fact that he’s missed 50% of the meetings of the Senate Intelligence Committee that’s tasked with overseeing our nation’s safety from terrorists.

Pennsylvania: Folks, if you don’t love Rick Santorum (R), you hate Jesus…and will be rightfully smited!

Rhode Island: Lincoln Chafee (R) is regularly identified as the Senate’s most-liberal Republican….which means he’s still infinitely more America-loving than the most conservative Democrat (an oxymoron if ever there was one.)

Ok, this is even boring me…let’s cut to the chase:

Tennessee: Bob Corker (R)
Texas: Kay Bailey Hutchison (R)
Utah: Orrin Hatch (R)
Virginia: George Allen (R)
Vermont: Richard Tarrant (R)…he’s running against a socialist, for God sake!
Washington: Mike McGavick (R)
Wisconsin: Robert Lorge (R)
West Virginia: John Raese (R)
Wyoming: Craig Thomas (R)

VERMONT HATES AMERICA

2006-11-04T10:24:00.000-05:00

State to Send Socialist to Senate

(Montpelier, VT) America’s second least-populated state has foisted more than its fair share of America-haters upon the nation, from Howard Dean to Ben & Jerry to the band Phish, but until now at least had the good sense to at least pretend to support democracy. Now, however, it appears that Vermont’s thinly-veiled America-hating has been exposed to the world, as the proletariat there are on the verge of electing America’s first Socialist US Senator. Bernie Sanders, Vermont’s lone Congressman for the past 16 years, wants to bring his Stalinistic stylings to the Senate, and it appears the voters love their local Lenin. The most recent polls show Sanders with a 26-point lead over the vastly more patriotic Republican opponent in their race for an unoccupied seat, a finding that startles most pundits. “Bernie really is a subject for political anthropology,” observed University of Vermont professor Garrison Nelson. “He has no political party. He has never been called charming. He has no money, and none of the resources we normally associate with success (actual quote.)”

News of the commie Congressman’s coming putsch was met with understandable alarm by President Bush, who as a young fighter pilot defended Alabama from the Vietnamese communist horde. “I didn’t defend the skies over Birmingham from Charlie just so a pink-o commie could sit in the Senate,” a patriotically-perturbed President pontificated. “While I believe in the rights of Vermontites, er, Vermonters, um, Vermontonians to elect whomever they choose, as we’re finding out in Iraq, there’s sometimes too much freedom. God bless America.”

Others in Washington weren’t quite as magnanimous as the President. Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN,) for example, announced that he’ll be sponsoring a bill that would forcibly remove Vermont from the Union. “As a doctor and a Senator, I know that 49 white stars on a field of blue are much more symmetrical…that’s a medical term, by the way…than 49 white stars and 1 red one.” When informed that there existed a possibility that the Democrats could take a majority in the Senate and thus block any attempt to oust Vermont and its’ two leftist Senators, Frist chuckled like a man who knows something the rest of America doesn’t. Patting a Diebold voting machine, Frist assured, “In my medical opinion, I don’t think we have to worry about that.”

Unless you’re some kind of commie, you’ll head over to The Blue Republic today, where Rex asks, “Why do Democrats hate gay people?”

OSAMA CAPTURED!!!

2006-11-01T21:31:00.000-05:00

Bin Laden Busted in Maine, Exposed as a Democrat

(Portland, ME) The wildly-successful wars in Iraq and Afghanistan were completely justified Tuesday when Osama bin Laden was captured moments before executing another terrorist attack on American soil. Bin Laden, who along with Saddam Hussein plotted and carried out the cowardly attacks on 9/11, was taken into custody by South Portland (Maine) police officers after receiving several reports of a heavily-armed man threatening passing motorists and displaying a sign that read, “I Love The Taliban!” The responding officers (each of whom was immediately awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom,) quickly identified the al Qaeda chief by his tell-tale beard, explosives, and freedom-hating mannerisms. “We weren’t entirely certain he was UBL until we checked his wallet,” humbly announced Sgt. Ronald Dumsfeld. “But once we found his ACLU membership card, we knew for sure.”

In addition to being confirmed as a card-carrying liberal, bin Laden’s wallet revealed a possibly-forged Maine driver’s license displaying the name “Thomas J. Connolly.” The FBI issued a statement announcing that an investigation had been launched to determine if the Thomas J. Connolly who ran for governor as a Democrat in 1998 and Osama bin Laden are the same person. “Our psychological forensic people have long held that Osama is probably a registered Democrat,” reported FBI Director Robert Mueller, who also was issued a Medal of Freedom on the spot. “While his arrest today means John Kerry is no longer the #1 suspect, I think it also proves beyond a reasonable doubt that liberals hate America with a previously-unsuspected intensity.”

Mueller’s reasonable conclusions were supported by top administration officials, who expressed their firm belief that voters would never allow the party who brought both Saddam and Osama to justice to be replaced in the upcoming mid-term elections. “On this, the last day of October, surprise is an emotion that no voter is feeling when it comes to the treason inherent in the Democratic Party,” non-partisanly expressed Karl Rove while accepting his fourth Medal of Freedom. “On Election Day, I’m sure the American people will remember that because we stayed the course, before we stopped staying the course, two out of three of America’s greatest enemies are now behind bars…and John Kerry’s day is coming!”

THE YEAR OF LIVING SPURIOUSLY

2006-10-31T00:02:00.000-05:00

SG Turns One Year Old, But Acts At Least Three

Tonight while the illegitimate children of satan-worshipping single welfare mothers are roaming your neighborhood like a pack of Somali thugs, whoring themselves door-to-door for wrapped baubles of confectionary or crack cocaine, the Spurious George staff will gather at Rex Kramer’s estate for their weekly prayer dinner and Trivial Pursuit (Reagan Edition) tournament. While most of the evening’s conversation will no doubt be consumed with praises for the Lord and prayers for Mark Foley’s soul, we may allow ourselves the forgivable sin of pride when he toast today’s first anniversary of Spurious George with a glass of domestic, non-alcoholic champagne.

Just one year ago today I started SG with nothing more than an outdated computer and a dream…a dream to educate the hippie horde about the sweet, sweet lightness of being inherent in unquestioned America-loving. While the dream remains the same, so much else, unlike the average hippie’s underwear, has changed. Thanks to our tax-exempt status as a recognized religion, we’ve been able to move up from our original, humbles offices (aka “mom’s spare room”) to the stately Kramerica Kompound, a palatial estate befitting an organization as universally-applauded as ours, and which often times serves as one of Dick Cheney’s “undisclosed locations” whenever the terrorist threat level rises above yellow. Also, we have embossed stationary now…and are thinking about getting team jackets.

I will admit that when we started this kooky thing we promised this would be a one-year-only endeavor, after which the entire staff would enlist in the Marine Corps with the understanding that we’d all be sent to Iraq until the war was won once and for all. That said, it has become clear to us that, much like the Republicans who swore in 1994 that they would serve a maximum of twelve years in Congress, we serve our nation much more efficiently in our current positions. We of course support our troops, and look forward to joining them on the front lines of freedom this time next year. Maybe. We have this trick knee, you see.

In any event, it has been a pleasure providing RexHead Nation© with near-daily doses of patriotic prose for the past 365.25 days. Now, go get a haircut!

JEAN SCHMIDT: A PROFILE IN COURAGE

2006-10-30T01:15:00.000-05:00

Cincy's Sexy Stay-the-Courser Stands Strong!

(Cincinnati) When contemplating history’s great women of self-sacrifice, most people conjure up images of Mother Teresa, Florence Nightingale, and Britney Spears (although not necessarily in that order.) Future generations, however, will no doubt add to that list Rep. Jean Schmidt (R-OH,) a striking woman unafraid to speak the truth, fight for justice, or expose her constituents to imported nuclear waste. Despite being inexplicably in a dead-heat with a Democratic, cut-and-run advocating challenger, Schmidt was characteristically decisive when confronted with the political glowing-potato of a proposed nuclear waste dump being placed within her district. “I'm not advocating for it one way or the other,” Schmidt in no way waffled. “I'm saying it is something we need to look at (actual quote.)"

While some al Qaeda sympathizers in her southern Ohio district aren’t so much worried about looking at it as they are inhaling and drinking it, more patriotic pundits point out that Schmidt’s stance is consistent with her life-long dedication to conservative principles. “Unlike her opponent, Congresswoman Schmidt would rather import nuclear materials than export them,” rationally explained fellow female freedom-lover Ann Coulter, noting that the site would receive radioactive residue from around the world that might otherwise end up in a mushroom cloud over Cincinnati. Also piping in was Michelle Malkin, a hot import in her own right. “While Democrats seem to favor out-sourcing jobs, Jean Schmidt is working hard to bring high-wage, hazardous waste jobs to her district.” The proposed uranium heap would create “hundreds, maybe thousands of jobs” according to Schmidt, in an area with double-digit unemployment (thanks to Clinton having sex with an intern.) While these jobs would come without health benefits, most feel the point is moot as government scientific-esque studies have revealed that exposure to nuclear waste not only makes one healthier, it holds the possibility of producing super-powers!

As stay-the-course subscribers of Spurious George know, this was not the first time Schmidt proved her patriotic prowess. Her shining moment came when on the House floor she accurately described Rep. John Murtha (D-PA,) like John Kerry a Vietnam veteran of dubious distinction who voted for the war in Iraq before he voted against it, as something less than manly. “Cowards cut and run, Marines never do,” heroically charged the freshman Congresswoman at the 32-year House veteran in response to the allegedly-hawkish Pennsylvanian’s calls for a pull-out from Iraq just when the insurgency was in its final throes. Murtha, by all accounts a sensitive grudge-holder, has responded by raising money for the campaign of Schmidt’s anti-job creation, pro-job outsourcing opponent. On one campaign stop Murtha even stooped to making disparaging remarks about Schmidt’s physical attributes (which naturally were ignored by the mainstream media.) “These guys are sitting on their fat backsides and sending our young people into harm's way with 70-pound packs on their back and they're saying Iraq is an open-ended process, with no end in sight,” slandered the cowardly Congressman. “Our young men and women in the military deserve better (actual quote.)”

TWO PARTIES TOO MANY?

2006-10-29T08:45:00.000-05:00

Unopposed “Elections” Kick Ass!

(Washington) Republican National Committee chairman Ken Mehlman has seen the future of elections, and it is good. Cheering a report which indicates that 30% of the nation’s legislative candidates are running unopposed in this election, Mehlman predicted that in coming years that figure could, and should, go higher. “Those who are disgusted by the Democrats’ negative and divisive campaign ads will undoubtedly demand the civility that is inherent in the single-candidate ballot,” proclaimed Mehlman, a long-time proponent of polite polling. “If we as Americans are to speak as one voice as the Constitution demands we do, there simply is no better way to accomplish this than to limit the voices on the ballot to one. To suggest otherwise means one does not support the troops. It’s that simple, people.”

Mehlman is hardly alone in his advocacy for a streamlined election process. Mainstream citizens such as incumbents from both parties, campaign strategists and liberty-loving lobbyists all believe that when it comes to election options, one is hardly the loneliest number. “An unopposed election means less time on the campaign trail and more time doing America’s business,” reasonably asserted Senator and President pro tempore Ted Stevens (R-AK.) “Business such as building bridges to nowhere, placing secret holds on votes intended to create transparency in government, and determining once and for all that the internet is just a series of tubes.”

While most are allowing the political market dictate the future of unopposed elections, more forward-thinking conservatives are more pro-active in bringing this sensible concept to fruition. Among these is Ken Blackwell of Ohio, the GOP’s nominee for governor. While not endorsing the plan directly, some of his more efficiency-minded minions have proposed that Ohio’s Secretary of State use his powers to remove his opponent from the ballot. While some might argue that the Democratic candidate’s double-digit lead in the polls is behind this movement, those kind of people just hate America.

WATER-BOARDING NEXT OLYMPIC EVENT?

2006-10-28T01:30:00.000-04:00

Hip VP Cheney: “It’s Fun!”

(Salt Lake City) Surfboarding, skateboarding, snowboarding and wake-boarding, step aside! All the cool kids these days are kickin’ it patriot-style with the latest, greatest extreme sport to sweep the country since wire-tapping…water-boarding! While edgy enough for the most adrenaline-addicted adolescent, water-boarding is safe even for the myocardially-infarcted. “It’s a no-brainer for me (actual quote,)” rapped VP Dick Cheney when asked if he was a fan of the completely non-torturous sport. “If you’re not suffering through a forced and repetitive near-drowning experience while being held in a secret CIA prison, well dude, you’re barely alive!”

For the squares among Spurious George’s readership, water-boarding is described by those kill-joys at the Washington Post thusly: “The prisoner (thrill-seeker) is bound to an inclined board, feet raised and head slightly below the feet. Cellophane is wrapped over the prisoner's face and water is poured over him. Unavoidably, the gag reflex kicks in and a terrifying fear of drowning leads to almost instant pleas to bring the treatment to a halt. CIA officers who subjected themselves to the water boarding technique lasted an average of 14 seconds before caving in.” Proponents of the sport insist that this assessment only proves that the vast majority of CIA agents are pussies.

When considering the Olympic motto of “Faster, Higher, Torture,” it seems pre-ordained that water-boarding will soon be considered for inclusion in the next Summer Olympiad in Beijing, China…despite objections from the host nation that the less-extreme “Chinese water torture” be added instead. Washington water-boarding enthusiasts, however, were quick to point out the Chinese have a long, sordid history of human rights violations. “Chinese water torture? Heck, that even has ‘torture’ in the name,” observed President Bush before departing for Kennebunkport for a weekend of traditional, Bush-family water-boarding. “Those people are barbarians!”

Was this piece not America-loving enough for you? Why not grab your water board and head over to The Blue Republic, where Rex pours the sweet waters of freedom down hippie throats every Saturday?

THIS FRIDAY NIGHT, FREEDOM NAPS

2006-10-27T20:20:00.000-04:00

Rex Attends to Domestic Issues

(Orlando) For the first time since his first son (and hippie-hating heir-apparent) was born last month, Spurious George’s danger-seeking demagogue, Rex Kramer, was tonight assigned the family values task of unilaterally caring for all three of his children while Mrs. Kramer ventures forth for a night of doily-darning with the PTA ladies. In addition to defending the homeland, Rex will also be preparing his regular Saturday sermon for the hippies at The Blue Republic while simultaneously watching split-screened and Tivo-ed past episodes of Family Ties for evidence of Michael J. Fox’s treachery…thus, he has little time to educate the masses here at Spurious George this evening.

Fear not, freedom-lovers, for Rex shall return tomorrow, rested and refreshed for the final dash to the mid-term elections…but sometime after the Florida-Georgia game (one must have priorities, after all!)

WHO IN HOLLYWOOD HATES AMERICA?

2006-10-26T22:56:00.000-04:00

Spurious George Names Names!

(Sodom and Gomorrah, CA) As the most important election in American history (that doesn’t involve George Bush) approaches, we here at Spurious George feel compelled to identify for you, our red state readers, the ever-growing list of Hollywood elite who hate your freedom. The following is a list of the worst of the worst; satanic celebs who give ONLY to Democrats (and who, more than likely, funnel their box office take to al Queda cells):

Ben Affleck, Jessica Alba, Jason Alexander, Joan Allen, Krista Allen, Kristie Alley, Louis Anderson, Julie Andrews, Christina Applegate, Dan Akroyd, Lauren Bacall, Anne Bancroft, Drew Barrymore, Kim Basinger, Justine Bateman, Ned Beatty, Tom Berenger, Candice Bergen, Valerie Bertinelli, Robert Blake, Barry Bostwick, Peter Boyle, Lorraine Bracco, Zach Braff, Lloyd Bridges, Matthew Broderick, Adrien Brody, James Brolin, Albert Brooks, Mel Brooks, Pierce Brosnan, Carol Burnett, Nicholas Cage, Tia Carrere, David Caruso, Patricia Clarkson, George Clooney, Courtney Cox, Marcia Cross, John Crier…

…Beverly D’Angelo, Willem Dafoe, Timothy Dalton, Tim Daly, Susan Dey, Angie Dickinson, Fran Drescher, Patrick Duffy, Patty Duke, Nora Dunn, Eliza Dushku, Anthony Edwards, Edie Falco, Mia Farrow, Farrah Fawcett, Will Ferrell, Linda Fiorentino, Carrie Fisher, Joely Fisher, Brendan Fraser, Morgan Freeman, Andy Garcia, Jennifer Garner, Brad Garrett, Paul Giamatti, Marla Gibbs, Jeff Goldblum, Cuba Gooding Jr, John Goodman, Lou Gosset Jr, Heather Graham, Kathy Griffin, Andy Griffith, Charles Grodin, Jasmine Guy, Maggie Gyllenhaal…

…Mariska Hargitay, Valerie Harper, Josh Hartnett, Salma Hayek, Anne Heche, Marilu Henner, Cheryl Hines, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Kate Hudson, Felicity Huffman, Helen Hunt, Timothy Hutton, Kate Jackson, Samuel L Jackson, Alison Janney, James Earl Jones, Ashley Judd, Diane Keaton, Michael Keaton, Harvey Keitel, Nichole Kidman, Greg Kinnear, Diane Lane, John Larroquette, Matt LeBlanc, John Leguizano, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Lucy Liu, Christopher Lloyd, Jennifer Lopez, Rob Lowe, Kyle MaLachlan, Shirley Mac Laine, William H Macy, Virginia Madsen, Howie Mandel, Camryn Mannheim, Julianna Margulies, Tim Matheson, Jenny McCarthy, Dylan McDermott, Rose McGowan, Debra Messing, Julianne Moore, Viggo Mortensen, Mike Myers, Bebe Neuwirth, Chris Noth…

…Tatum O’Neal, Al Pacino, Anna Paquin, Mandy Patinkin, Amanda Peet, Sean Penn, Lou Diamond Phillips, Joaquin Phoenix, David Hyde Pierce, Natalie Portman, Bill Pullman, Dennis Quaid, Lynn Redgrave, John C Reilly, Christina Ricci, Eric Roberts, Chris Rock, Mimi Rogers, Mark Ruffalo, Rene Russo, Katey Sagal, Bob Saget, Horatio Sanz, Live Schrieber, Martin Sheen, Sam Sheperd, Talia Shire, Martin Short, Alicia Silverstone, Jada Pinkett Smith, Jimmy Smits, Suzanne Somers, David Soul, Kevin Spacey, David Spade, James Spader, Rod Steiger, French Stewart, Sharon Stone, Madeline Stowe, Elizabeth Taylor, Charlize Theron, Uma Thurman, Jennifer Tilly, Marissa Tomei, Mark Wahlberg, Sigourney Weaver, George Wendt, Forest Whittaker, Owen Wilson, Reese Witherspoon, and Renee Zellweger!

OBAMA INHALED!!!

2006-10-25T22:52:00.000-04:00

Dark Horse Dem Digs Dope

(Chicago) When projecting possible presidential pretenders, political pundits predictably provide parallels between the last Democrat to besmirch the Oval Office and the latest liberal limelight-lover. Comparisons between Bill Clinton and Senator Barack Obama (D-IL) may be a bit premature (Obama, for example has yet to have extramarital sex with an intern,) but it has become clear as Vizine that they share at least one vice: drug addiction. In an interview following his recent revelation that he may seek the Democratic nomination in 2008, Illinois’ junior senator may have dashed those very same dreams when Obama admitted he not only advocates the legalization of the gateway drug marijuana, he uses it regularly! “I inhaled — that was the point,” confessed the pro-pot politician (actual quote.)

America’s foremost moralists quickly admonished the stem-separating statesman for his demonic dependency. “I would think a man with a name one letter removed from that of al Qaeda’s leader would be a little more America-loving,” tsk-tsked Secretary of Church and State Pat Robertson. “After the moral morass that was the Clinton years, I would think that his kind….by that I mean Democrats, of course…would want to present a more wholesome image if they’re serious about taking the White House.” Robertson, who is probably the least racist person you’ll ever meet, predicted that America isn’t ready for a President with a blatant disregard for law and order. “Our prisons are full of people who look just like Senator Obama; young, disrespectful and addicted to drugs. I ask you, would Barack Obama be any better of a President than Willie Horton?”

Incredibly but not unexpectedly, Obama’s confession was lauded by lefty leaf-lovers, such as House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA.) “When Senator Obama occupies the White House and our party takes both houses of Congress, we as a nation can finally fulfill our destiny…a destiny of compulsory gay marriage for all citizens, mandatory abortions of all unborn white children, and of course, government-subsidized and completely legal use of all drugs!”

MICHAEL J. FOX: BIG FAKER?

2006-10-24T22:01:00.000-04:00

Rush Limbaugh Outs “Parkinson Poser”

(Hill Valley) If there’s anyone qualified to know when a public figure is off his meds, it’s America’s foremost friend of faith-based pharmaceuticals, Rush Limbaugh. Thus, his recent diagnosis that actor Michael J. Fox is not taking his prescribed placebo, or worse, faking his degenerative disease, was greeted as fact by all right-thinking Americans who tune in to his daily radio show. Dr. Limbaugh made his insightful diagnosis after watching Fox appear in a campaign ad for Democrat Senatorial candidate Claire McCaskill, in which the diminutive duper lauded McCaskill’s godless support for stem cell research while shaking like a Polaroid picture. “This is really shameless of Michael J. Fox,” opined Limbaugh, a man well-versed in shamlessness. “Either he didn't take his medication or he's acting, one of the two (actual quote.)”

Limbaugh’s dead-on diagnosis was lauded by titans of the medical world, including Dr. Senator Bill Frist (M.D, R-TN.) Frist, who many recall was the first physician ever to determine a vegetative patient’s chances for recovery merely by viewing a few minutes of edited video. “I believe Limbaugh’s excellent assessment will only bring more credibility to what I like to call “one-minute media medicine,” offered Frist, who will be retiring from the Senate this year to devote himself full-time to this emerging industry. Frist added that had his own study of this new field of medicine been more accepted in the past, 9/11 never would have happened. “Back in 1992 while suffering through Bill Clinton’s acceptance speech at the Democratic convention, I could tell that he was a sexual deviate. Had we been able to convey this to the American people, I have no doubt that Bush would have won the election, and that he would have not allowed, as Clinton did, for Osama and Saddam to attack us.”

Almost as if on cue, liberal Hollywood elitist rushed to “Faker Fox’s” defense. Leah Thompson, Fox’s co-star in the 1985 hit “Back to the Future,” and Justine Bateman, Fox’s vapid, whorish sister on “Family Ties” appeared on several Minneapolis public-access cable shows denouncing Limbaugh’s accusations. However, many feel their appearance was a desperate publicity ploy by two forgotten actresses, in what may be their last chance to avoid soft-core porn.

NY RACE GETS UGLIER

2006-10-23T11:32:00.000-04:00

Hillary-Hater Heroically Hurls “Hag” Harangue

(Albany) In his patriotic campaign to unseat Hillary “Cut and Run” Clinton from her extra-wide Senate seat, GOP hopeful John Spencer has always had the issues on his side (a right-thinking combat veteran, he’s pro-war and anti-tax,) but has until now inexplicably lagged behind his overweight opponent. In a last-minute change in tactics, however, Spencer has found an issue that resonates with his future constituents: Hillary homeliness! Referring to the Senator’s pre-political pooch-face, Spencer asked a reporter, “You ever see a picture of her back then? Whew! (actual quote)” Spencer correctly surmised that Clinton’s miniscule improvement in appearance was due to “millions of dollars or work,” most likely at the taxpayers’ expense. “I don’t know why Bill married her (another actual quote,)” wondered Spencer. “All the prettier pigs in Arkansas must’ve been taken already!”

Patriotic political pundits applauded Spencer’s solid stance on the Senator’s scariness, and defended his comments as politically relevant. “I know they say politics is show business for ugly people, but there should be limits,” reasonably asserted talk show host and former male model Rush Limbaugh. “The pretty people of Poughkeepsie deserve a Senator more representative of them, and anyone who has seen John Spencer in a Speedo knows he’s the right man for the job.” Limbaugh quickly added that he is not gay.

As expected, patently unattractive Democrats attempted to metaphorically beat Spencer with the proverbial ugly stick. “Senator Clinton is the sexiest Senator since a young Ted Kennedy,” lisped Rep. Barney Frank (D-MA.) “Her short hair, chiseled features and firm handshake are off the fabulous scale!” Frank added that if he weren’t involved in a committed relationship, he’d let Clinton sweep him off his feet in a heartbeat.

ON THE 7TH DAY, REX RESTED

2006-10-22T00:10:00.000-04:00

SG Keeps the Sabbath Holy, May Watch Football

(Orlando) As Spurious George approaches its first (and let’s be honest, probably last) anniversary of Educating the Hippies©, preparations must be made for a proper celebration of the milestone. Sundays, of course, are the perfect day for making preparations…but not necessarily for accomplishing anything of real substance. Today we’ll be tinkering around the office a bit; cleaning up some dead links, adding some new ones (suggest some that merit Rex’s attention in the comment section, and yes, you may whore your own,) and, of course, watching some football. Normally the entire SG staff would be in church all day, but the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are on a one-game winning streak, so we’re sure Jesus would understand.

That said, those visiting SG today and breathlessly praying for pearls of patriotic prose, much like those hoping for a Democratic landslide this November, will be deeply disappointed. Rest assured, however, that we’ll be back tomorrow (hangovers willing) with fresh, freedom-favoring goodness!

Note: SG’s anniversary is October 31st: I’m told that the traditional gift is a sizeable donation to your local Republican Congressperson’s election campaign!

AMERICA’S NIGHTMARE TICKET

2006-10-21T06:38:00.000-04:00

Dems Ponder “Clinton-Clinton” In 2008!

(Little Rock) When most America-loving Republicans envision worst-case scenarios, they conjure up images of another terrorist attack, failure to stay the course in Iraq, or another pre-election scandal involving a Congressman and a House page. While those nightmarish cases may provide fodder for bad dreams this Halloween season, conservatives everywhere must have slept with the lights on when they learned that Bill Clinton could be America’s Vice President in 2008!

Although right-thinking jurists believe such an unthinkable event would violate the 12th Amendment, the 22nd Amendment, as well as the sensibilities of those who believe men should only have sex with their wives (even those named “Hillary,”) some ACLU card-carrying legal “experts” argue otherwise. Among these America-hating attorneys are Scott Grant and Bruce Peabody, authors of a 1999 article “The Twice and Future President” and possible al Qaeda operatives. “In preventing individuals from being elected to the presidency more than twice, the amendment does not preclude a former president from again assuming the presidency by means other than election, including succession from the vice presidency," they treasonously wrote. "If this view is correct, then Clinton is not 'constitutionally ineligible to the office of president,' and is not barred by the 12th Amendment from being elected vice president.” Critics of the democracy-desecrating duo counter that the pair is (naturally) liberally interpreting the Constitution, and openly wonder why these traitors have not been rendered to Yemen.

Although it seems that only Hillary Clinton would select her whorish husband for the VP’s post, and that her chances for election are roughly the same as the odds of her being an actual woman, Congressional Republicans are taking no chances. Spurious George has learned that on the eve of the mid-term election recess, House Majority Leader Dennis Hastert will be pushing for the quick passage of the “Save America’s Teens, A Nobly-Inspired Statute” bill, or “SATAN IS BILL,” that would preclude anyone accused of improper sexual contact with a page or intern from holding public office. “I suspect Democrats will attempt to block this necessary legislation, proving once again that theirs is the party of immorality and sexual perversity,” announced Hastert during a break in the House Ethics Committee’s hearings on the Mark Foley affair.

Does the thought of a Clinton-Clinton White House leave a bad taste in your mouth (and a stain on your dress?) Swing by The Blue Republic, where Rex Kramer provides the "Listerine of Liberty" every Saturday!

HOLLYWOOD HEARTS BUSH!

2006-10-19T23:00:00.000-04:00

Theater Owners Reject British Bush-Bashing Biopic

(Spoiler Alert: This post contains references to the plot of "Death of a President.")

(Hollywood) Those who say that Americans never learn from the past (probably those uppity French) were proven wrong when the nation’s top movie houses refused yet another president to die in a theater. In a patriotic move rare in liberal Hollywood, Regal Entertainment Group and Cinemark USA courageously announced that Death of a President would not be seen on their combined 8,800 screens. The British propaganda pic, which opens in marijuana smoke-filled coffee houses October 27th, portrays the aftermath of a fictional President Bush’s assassination…exactly one year from today (October 19, 2007.) Public reaction to director/John Kerry supporter Gabriel Range’s terrorist-aiding-and-comforting flick has been universally negative, even from the other, less patriotic side of the aisle. “I think it's despicable... I think it's absolutely outrageous,” proclaimed Sen. Hillary Clinton, a Democrat who has in the past openly called for President Bush’s execution in the unlikely event her party reclaims the Senate. “That anyone would even attempt to profit on such a horrible scenario makes me sick. (Actual Quote.)”

According to the rejectionist reviewers who have viewed the film, President Dick Cheney enforces “Patriot Act 3” upon Bush’s death, and as a result Americans’ civil liberties are severely curtailed and/or eliminated. The Vice President, of course, rejected the treasonous and possibly libelous characterization, and insisted that were the unthinkable to happen, citizens would in fact enjoy more freedoms. “If, God forbid, I became President, things would change,” asserted Cheney between lip-lickings and excessive droolings. “Americans would finally be free to openly love their country, as I would outlaw the Democratic Party, rid the airwaves of all but Fox News and the Armed Forces Network, and reduce the size of the federal government to that of Halliburton headquarters!” So upset was the Vice President at the thought of a world without President Bush that he suffered a mild heart attack and acute priaprism (look it up,) and was rushed to Bethesda Medical Center humming “Hail to the Chief” through his oxygen mask.

In London, British Prime Minister Tony Blair was appropriately quick to declare that although the film was an English production, the United Kingdom stands firmly bent over and spreading wide in support of President Bush. “We stand ready to destroy all copies of this patently offensive film, punish those responsible for its production, and render to Yemen the al Qaeda operative who directed it,” fellated the retiring head of state. In return for the UK’s cooperation, Blair reasonably requested that Kevin Costner be put to death for his hideous English accent in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves.

McCAIN ON SUICIDE WATCH

2006-10-18T22:33:00.000-04:00

Only Voters Can Save AZ Senator’s Life

(Phoenix) Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) has survived many near-death experiences, from “alternative interrogation methods” conducted by the North Vietnamese to his close call with political death by entertaining an offer to run as John Kerry’s vice presidential candidate in 2004. Nothing, however, has brought him as face-to-face with his Maker as the prospect of Democrats stealing the Senate in the upcoming mid-term-elections. “I think I’d just commit suicide,” threatened McCain (actual quote) after contemplating Ted Kennedy with a gavel in his non-drinking hand. “America with the Democrats in control is no country I would want to live in!”

While some wondered why a Jesus-loving Republican such as McCain would consider committing a mortal sin like suicide, those close to the Phoenix fire-breathing Senator believe his threat is anything by idle. “As a doctor, I have looked into John’s heart and firmly believe he will end his life rather than become Barrack Obama’s bitch,” diagnosed Sen. Bill Frist (R-TN.) “Unfortunately, there’s only so much modern medicine can do to help him. His only chance for survival, it now seems, is for the American people to provide the curative powers of staying the course with a Republican majority.”

With the blessing of the taxpayers who foot the bill, Vice President Cheney has shuttled across the country (locations undisclosed) in a humanitarian attempt to save McCain’s life by campaigning for Republican Congressional candidates. Cheney’s touching display of compassionate conservatism, of course, is nothing new to those who have closely followed his selfless vice presidential reign. “If I were a Catholic like John Kerry, and thank God I’m not, I’d nominate him for sainthood,” preached neutral observer Rush Limbaugh.

BUSH’S MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

2006-10-08T09:11:00.000-04:00

USS George HW Bush (Eventually) Sets Sail For Ass-Kicking!

(Newport News, VA) Atoning for their egregious error in not re-electing him in 1992, Americans gladly paid $6 billion for the USS George HW Bush, the last of the Nimitz-class nuclear/nucular aircraft carriers. Bush’s name rightfully joins other American warrior-kings who have been so honored, including Washington, Lincoln, Roosevelt, Eisenhower and Truman. “I don’t see God damn Clinton’s names on one of these puppies,” demurely declared former First Lady Barbara Bush as she christened the ship by breaking a bottle of Halliburton champagne across her bow (the ship’s, not Babs’.)

While an unforeseen thunder storm interfered with an otherwise wildly successful celebration, luminaries from across the political spectrum gathered in Newport News to honor the man Saddam Hussein attempted to assassinate. Primary among these was President Bush, who some suggest will one day have an entire class of floating prison ships named after him. In his remarks, the President made uncanny comparisons between the Navy’s newest weapon of mass destruction and his own dedication to staying the course in Iraq. “She is unrelenting, she is unshakable, she is unyielding, she is unstoppable,” praised Bush the Younger as he scribbled “To Osama, Wherever You Are” onto an onboard cruise missile.

Of course, the USS Bush and the glorious struggle in Iraq have little in common. For example, the ship is only partially completed, has no hard timetable for departure, and with only 330 assigned sailors, is woefully understaffed. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, however, is unconcerned about the Bush’s fitness for duty. “You set sail with the $6 billion aircraft carrier you have, not with the $6 billion aircraft carrier you wish you had!”

BILL NELSON HATES JESUS

2006-10-07T07:36:00.000-04:00

Katherine Harris’ Opponent Possibly the Anti-Christ

(Longboat Key, FL) While we know that in space no one can hear you scream, Congresswoman and Senate candidate Katherine Harris wonders if anyone can hear you hate Jesus in space. This reasonable inquiry was recently floated in her interview with a Christian news service, where former astronaut and current Senator Bill Nelson’s Christian qualifications were questioned. According to the completely-sane Harris, Nelson “claims to be a Christian,” but supports policies “completely contrary to what we say we believe.” While Harris made no specific accusations, it is reasonably believed she was referring to Nelson’s support for abortion, gay marriage and sex with unripe garden tomatoes.

Harris also accused Nelson of blasphemous attempts to rid this great nation of its Christian teachings, citing as proof his 1986 trip aboard the Space Shuttle Columbia. “He took a Bible into orbit,” revealed the comely conservative candidate. “Not only was this an unholy marriage of faith and science, it deprived the people of Florida the use of that Bible for the duration of the mission!” Harris further alleged that Democratic leaders have known about this holy hijacking for decades, yet shielded the anti-Christian astronaut from criminal prosecution.

Nelson is not without his supporters, however. Jim Towey, President Bush's former director of faith-based and community initiatives (despite being a Godless Democrat) testified that when he and Nelson held state-wide office the two started a lunchtime Bible study. “Bill Nelson is a man sincerely following the Lord and seeking him,” said Towey, now the dean of a Pennsylvania liberal bastion. Harris’ camp reacted by wondering aloud why Nelson had not yet found Jesus, and why Nelson refuses to engage in breakfast, dinner, and “fourth meal” Bible study sessions.

Did this all-American article not satisfy your need for a fix of Rex? Get more God-fearing goodness today at THE BLUE REPUBLIC!!!

LET’S PARTY LIKE IT’S 1945!

2006-10-05T15:01:00.000-04:00

Congress Funds “Victory in Iraq” Blow-Out

(Washington) More than three years after the US mission in Iraq was accomplished, obstructionist Congressional Democrats have blocked every attempt to stage a well-deserved victory celebration befitting the heroes of that war. However, undeterred and superiorly patriotic, Republican Senate leaders have finally succeeded in earmarking $20 million for “commemoration of success in Iraq and Afghanistan” festivities. “Republicans are confident we will be victorious in the ongoing war in terror, and we look forward to a time when those funds can be used to honor the men and women who have risked and given their lives," asserted Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) through a spokesman (actual quote.) The aide added that the slated $20 million dollars should easily pay for the planned 100-foot statue of a flight suit-attired George Bush, as well as the nuclear-powered hover cars that will carry leading Republicans along the parade route.

Not surprisingly, leaders of the Wet Blanket Party are attempting to rain on the patriotic parade. “If the Bush administration is planning victory celebrations, Americans deserve to know what their plan is to get us to a victory in Iraq,” whined an assistant to Senate Minority Harry Reid (D-NV.) According to several sources, the party of Jane Fonda is planning a “failure in Iraq and Afghanistan” event in Nancy Pelosi’s backyard, where soldiers will be burned in effigy and the American flag will be spit upon by Hillary Clinton.

In addition to statues and hover cars, tentative plans for the celebration include special honors for those most responsible for our nation’s swift successes. Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney will, of course, be awarded with the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Also, Colin Powell will be presented with an honorary Oscar, for his pre-war performance before the UN. While the non-liberal taxpayer is more than happy to foot the bill for these small tokens of appreciation, event organizer Paul Wolfowitz declares that Iraqi-manufactured souvenirs will more than pay for extravaganza.

TOUCH DICK, GO TO JAIL

2006-10-03T22:02:00.000-04:00

Sick-O Socks Cheney, Sues Secret Service

(Beaver Creek, CO) As anyone not named Mark Foley should know, it’s just plain wrong for a man to touch Dick…especially if that Dick happens to be the Vice President of the United States. Unfortunately, this was a lesson learned the hard way by crazed Colorado communist Steven Howards, who last year was arrested by Secret Service Agents for assaulting Cheney at a Beaver Creek mall. Howards, a non-profits consultant (aka “hippie”) had the audacity to make a “caustic comment” to the Vice President that had not been previously submitted to or approved by Karl Rove, while possibly simultaneously touching Cheney’s shoulder or elbow…something that even Mrs. Cheney is forbidden to do without the protective detail’s consent. Even worse, Howards committed this treason in the presence of his young son; fortunately, Spurious George has learned from child behavior experts that the younger Howards may still grow up to love America.

To his credit, Howards blamed neither alcohol nor molestation by a priest for his need to touch Dick. Still, it appears that more than a year after the incident, he remains in the “denial phase” of his recovery process. Referring to his lawful arrest, Howards in normal liberal fashion blamed his affliction on the guiltless Bill of Right. “It's such a blatant attempt to suppress a right to free speech,” shrieked Howards, no doubt prompted by the ACLU, who as everyone knows supports unimpeded Dick-touching.

Despite being released soon after his arrest by a famously-forgiving Cheney, Howards has lowered himself to the last resort of scoundrels…the lawsuit. Today, acting on the advice of his no-doubt Democrat-leaning attorney, Howards filed a federal suit in Denver against the heroic Secret Service agent who more than likely saved the Vice President’s life. According to the suit, the plaintiff is claiming that both his First and Fouth Amendment rights were violated…a shotgun blast to the face of the real victim of this incident. “I feel like I’m being victimized again,” reasonably asserted Cheney during a break at a Palm Beach (Florida) fund-raiser for Mark Foley’s heir-apparent, Joe Negron. “Believe me, if the Democrats take back Congress, the courts will be filled with Dick-touchers suing their victims!”

DOES FOX NEWS HATE AMERICA, TOO?

2006-10-02T20:23:00.000-04:00

Uppity Anchor Berates Neo-Con Icon

(Washington) In an uncharacteristically unfair and unbalanced move, Fox News anchor Shepard Smith played Bill Clinton to Bill Kristol’s Chris Wallace when he verbally ambushed the conservative pundit on live television. Smith, who by all accounts once loved America, sounded hippie-esque when he characterized our nation’s victory in Iraq as a failure, and even unreasonably laid the blame for every soldier’s death from now until Election Day at the President’s feet. While calmer heads at Fox chalked Smith’s actions up to a Mark Foley-type lapse in judgment, others are questioning the network’s dedication to the War for Democracy©. “Fox’s tie-dyed slip is showing,” accused Washington Times editor Wesley Pruden. “Clearly, the time has come to pass the conservative red, white and blue banner off to a more reliable media outlet.”

In addition to Pruden’s fine paper, other patriotic public criers such as the Wall Street Journal, the 700 Club, Talon News and Spurious George all submitted applications to Tony Snow to become the new and more fair-and-balanced mouthpiece of the Bush presidency. While administration officials insist that Fox News has not been asked to resign its place of primacy, a gap-toothed source at the State Department revealed that “all options are on the table.”

As for Smith, a review of his journalistic judo revealed that the formerly freedom-friendly Fox friend took umbrage with Kristol’s assertion that the additional troops that will be sent to Iraq following the mid-term elections will once and for all bring the insurgency there to its last throes. “It's horrifying that you just said he can't do anything until after the election. We've got men and women over there who are dying every day and you just said that the man who you support can't do anything even though you believe he knows it's wrong,” Smith shrieked at Dan Quayle’s former chief of staff (actual quote.) To his credit, Kristol did not have Smith rendered to Yemen, even though he would have been well within his rights to do so under the articles of the heavily-redacted Patriot Act.

FOLEY: “IT’S ALL CLINTON’S FAULT!”

2006-10-01T07:47:00.000-04:00

Clinton Climate of Creepiness Caused Congressman’s Crisis

(Washington) President Bush was elected to office in 2000 partly based upon his promise to restore honor and dignity to the nation’s capitol. However, it now seems that unlike the war in Iraq, that mission is far from accomplished, as the tendrils of immorality left over from the previous administration continue to linger over the city like smoke from a cheap, ill-used cigar. The most recent virtuous victim of this evil environment was Florida Republican Congressman Mark Foley, formerly a leading advocate of pedophile victims…until, of course, he fell prey to the “Clinton Curse!”

Foley was swept into Congress in 1994 in the heady days of the “Contract with America” movement that saw the Republicans finally break the decades-long, morally-indefensible grip the Democrats had on the House. Like others in his freshman class, he immediately and enthusiastically engrossed himself in issues the opposition had long ignored. “Congressman Foley was passionate about child pornography,” declared a fresh-faced former assistant to the former statesman, who asked to remain anonymous. “I mean, sometimes I’d find him in his office late into the night, doing nothing but research on the subject.” The former aide added that Foley was a firm yet giving boss, who assumed a paternalistic role with his young male charges. “He insisted we call him ‘Daddy,’ and jokingly threatened to spank us all the time.”

Unfortunately, family values such as these were no match for the shroud of scandal that engulfed Washington like a stained blue dress. It is suspected that as a raw and impressionable Congressman, Foley was profoundly and negatively affected by the revelation of Clinton’s sins during the House impeachment hearings…so much so that his own moral compass was de-calibrated. “It’s all Clinton’s fault,” asserted a recorded message that greets callers to Foley’s former 16th District office. Although this is the standard greeting for all Republican Congressmen, Spurious George has learned that Foley rightfully blames the former Cigar Aficionado-in-Chief for his fall from grace.

While Foley himself could not be reached for comment, the naked young boy who answered the door at his Thailand vacation home spoke volumes with his broken English. “All Daddy ever talk about is Bill Clinton and boys. Bill Clinton make Daddy mad. Boys make him happy. Bill Clinton bad man!”

FOX: CLINTON HATES FREE PRESS

2006-09-28T17:08:00.000-04:00

Former Prez A Media Fascist?

(New York) Rallying to the side of his fair and balanced reporter, Fox News chief Roger Ailes charged that Bill Clinton’s unprovoked attack on Chris Wallace was evidence that the former President’s “hatred for journalists is showing.” Ailes was referring to the interview in which Wallace’s reasonable question regarding Clinton’s culpability for 9/11 resulted in the former Liar-in-Chief calling Matthew’s sexuality into question.

Clinton’s malice toward the media was a well-guarded secret during his reign, a conspiracy of silence ironically aided by the liberal mainstream media. Unreported, for example, was his 1994 “bitch-slap” of Katie Couric during a commercial break on the set of the Today show. A search of lexis-nexus revealed no mention in the media of Clinton’s 1995 assault of Walter Cronkite with a 9-iron. More recently, little attention was paid to his off-the-cuff wish that CBS News correspondent Kimberly Dozier would be seriously injured in a car-bomb incident…shortly before she was seriously injured in a car-bomb incident.

“Unlike our current President, Bill Clinton had no reverence for a free press, and in fact actively campaigned for the repeal of the First Amendment,” observed Ailes, who hinted that Clinton, on more than one occasion, threatened to force-feed Bill O’Reilly every loofah in the Bed, Bath and Beyond inventory. “Lord only knows what might happen if his wife is elected to the presidency. I mean, would only the Village Voice be allowed in the White House press room?”

While most reporters only suffered bruised egos and spleens as a result of Clinton’s irrational hatred, others weren’t so fortunate. “Had Bill Clinton not been responsible for 9/11, I might never have gone to prison or suffered the hardships I face every day,” accurately accused martyr Judith Miller as she counted the advance she received in anticipation of her soon-to-be-published biography. “If he had done his job Osama and Saddam would have been dead, and no one would’ve cared about Nigerian uranium, much less Valerie Plame.”

“PRINCE OF PATRIOTISM” HOME TODAY

2006-09-27T09:16:00.000-04:00

SG To Resume Normal Propaganda Soon

(Orlando) Defenseless as the Democrats’ proposed budget, the nation’s newest neo-con is expected to pass through the fortified and electrified gates of the Kramerica© Kompound later today. While “Rex Junior” is reported to have enjoyed his brief hospital stay (aside from the circumcision, of course,) all indications are he’s eager to inspect the security of his homeland. “Little Rex is confident that the war in Iraq has made his new home safer, despite what any leaked intelligence report might say,” declared his fiercely proud father, respected pundit and Spurious George’s senior danger-seeker, Rex Kramer. “I think the nation could learn a lot from him, and just sleep. A lot. Like, say, until after the mid-term elections.”

Spurious George promises that this is the last photo of “Rex Junior”….at least until his campaign literature is published!

IT’S A BOY…AND WHAT A BOY!!!

2006-09-25T17:16:00.000-04:00

Rex Sires America’s Next Great President

(Orlando) At 22 inches long and weighing in at 9 pounds and 2 ounces (and that’s just his penis) the heir to the Kramerica© legacy burst onto the political scene this morning as a giant among mere mortal babies. Emerging from the womb with all of the necessities for future office-holding (full head of hair, total inability to speak, and no real opinion on anything,) leading pundits are already labeling the newest Danger-Seeker a front-runner in the 2044 presidential campaign.

Details about the future candidate’s platform are sketchy at this hour, as his entourage is experiencing the kind of light-headed giddiness that comes with sleep deprivation and political-future optimism. For now, the “crib conservative” merely wishes to let his adoring public know that while he strongly supports cutting (the umbilical cord,) he is steadfastly opposed to running…at least until he can walk.

LIKE HIGHER TAXES? VOTE DEMOCRAT!

2006-09-22T21:09:00.000-04:00

Liberals Would Raise Taxes $2.4 Trillion. No, Really!

(Washington) The famously unbiased and non-partisan website GOP.com today revealed that in the unlikely event that Democrats fraudulently seize control of Congress in the upcoming mid-term elections, they will raise taxes to historically high levels. Citing only slightly out-of-context quotes from or about tax-and-spend titans such as John Kerry, Ted Kennedy, and Harry Reid, the fair-and-balanced site announced that it was the liberals’ intent to raise taxes a whopping and America-hating $2.4 trillion dollars!

According to an impartial report produced by the Treasury Department, single mother, the elderly and middle-income families would suffer most under Democratic rule. For example, a family of four earning $50,000 would owe the Beltway insiders an additional $2,092 per year…a 132% increase of the pittance they now pay with the benevolent Republican leadership in place. “I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather have $2000 in my pocket than in the government’s,” reasonably commented former Congressman Bob Ney (R-OH.) “No, seriously, I could really use the money. My legal fees are killing me!”

With the economy humming, the budget under control and unemployment at an all-time lowish level, many fiscally-responsible Americans are rightfully questioning why the out-of-the-mainstream party would feel compelled to overtax citizens if (God forbid) they get their pot-stained fingers on the nation’s purse strings. “I’ve heard they want to create a gigantic new bureaucracy to oversee federally-funded opulent gay wedding receptions, guaranteed welfare-for-life for drug-addicted sex offenders, and Ivy League education for pardoned death row inmates,” leaked average taxpayer Karl Rove. “Still, such a large tax increase seems excessive, especially since they intend to cut military pay in half, eliminate the Border Patrol and sell surplus weapons to al Qaeda.”

Kramer Kid Update: The baby, probably fearing that he/she will fall under the “capital gains tax” laws, is still a no-show.

THE MOST AMERICA-LOVING STATE?

2006-09-21T21:44:00.000-04:00

Wyoming Wives Want Winchesters!

In this, the third installment of a 50-part (non-consecutive series,) Spurious George continues its attempt to answer the previously- unanswerable question; which state is the most patriotic? Thus far Kentucky and Indiana have both been deemed worthy of W’s wonderfulness…today we look west of the Mississippi and wonder whether Wyoming warrants wespect, um, respect.

(Cheyenne) While it may be America’s least-populated state, Wyoming has produced some of this nation’s greatest heroes. From Leonard Hobbs (developer of the turbo jet airplane) to James Watt (former Secretary of the Interior) to the second greatest living American Dick Cheney, Wyoming has seen her share of native sons rise up to make this country great. Added to that august list this week was state senator Cale Case (R-Lander,) who is leading the fight to give guns to those convicted of domestic violence!

With Case as its champion, Wyoming, known far and wide as “the Equality State” as it was the first state in the Union to give women the right to vote and also the first state governed by a woman, is looking to “hit the feminist trifecta” by guaranteeing womenfolk the right to be protected by her well-armed man. If Senator Case’s noble cause reaches fruition, those convicted in liberal courts of “a little misunderstanding with the wife” would have their conviction expunged, and thus be allowed to exercise their God-given 2nd Amendment rights. “If we can get the constitutional rights remedied, that would be a great thing,” heroically gushed Case (actual quote.)

The saintly senator’s proposed legislation was greeted by a round of applause (and celebratory gunfire) by America’s pre-eminent gun owner and proud Wyoming native, Vice President Dick Cheney. “The rejectionist proponents of gun control are almost in their last throes,” predicted the NRA life member. Cheney also dismissed allegations made by victim advocate groups who lamely argue that Case’s bill is inherently pro-domestic violence. “I have no doubt that Wyoming’s women will welcome their gun-owning, convicted-felon husbands as heroes…if they know what’s good for them, of course!”

In an unrelated story, former football great O.J. Simpson announced that his search for “the real killers” of his wife has moved to Cheyenne. While a representative reported that Simpson felt “right at home” in Wyoming, he was concerned about the lack of shops carrying Bruno Magli shoes.

Rex’s Note: Still no baby, Kramericans©.

UN HEARTS COMMUNISM

2006-09-18T17:36:00.000-04:00

Annan, Castro BFF?

(Havana) It has been said that only Nixon could go to China; equally true, it seems, is “only Koffi Annan could go to Cuba on the American taxpayers’ dime.”

When chocolates, flowers and a Kurt Waldheim look-alike strip-o-gram just weren’t enough, the UN Secretary-General commandeered Air Force One and flew to Havana, where he cozied up to Fidel Castro in the communist invalid’s hospital room. According to those in attendance, conversation between the two centered around our freedom and how much they hate it, the most efficient methods of setting an American flag on fire, and how much they each hope the Democrats win back Congress in the upcoming mid-term elections. “In other words, the usual topics of conversation at UN headquarters,” commented an anonymous attendee who bore a striking resemblance to Venezuela’s Hugo Chavez.

Annan’s pilgrimage came on the sensible-shoe heels of a visit by Hillary Clinton, a long-time admirer and alleged ex-lover of the bearded communist head of Cuba. In an exclusive interview with MoveOn.com, Clinton later expressed her firm belief that “America could learn a lot from the Communists,” and her hope that “some day Old Glory” would be replaced by the UN flag.”

Wiping bile from his impressive mustache, UN ambassador-for-life John Bolton characterized the meeting between Annan and Castro as “troubling,” and declared that the US was studying its option in regards to how to deal with the crisis. While assuring that bombing the UN headquarters in New York was not a “done deal,” he cautioned that all options were on the table.

Note: Thus far, the latest Danger-Seeker has yet to be born. This does not concern us, however, as timetables only give aid and comfort to the enemy!

PREGNANT PAUSE IN PATRIOTISM

2006-09-13T22:08:00.000-04:00

Rex Kramer…Diaper-Changer?

(Orlando) As RexHeads© the world over are well aware, it’s been an eventful summer for America’s favorite danger-seeker, Rex Kramer. First, Rex and his freedom-loving family relocated into the new Kramerica Kompound deep in the ultra-red heart of Central Florida. Next came the unveiling of Spurious George’s new and award-winning blog, a website so patriotic it makes Lady Liberty seem whorishly treasonous in comparison. These watershed moments in American history were, of course, framed by Mrs. Kramer’s pregnancy with the heir to the Danger-Seeking name (or, possibly, maybe, a third daughter.) Good things do indeed come in threes!

Every time God opens a door, however, he slams shut a window…in this case, the window into Rex’s mind. Actually, the window is, like Rex’s mind, only half-shut, as his proud, patriotic postings will become intermittent as the birth of Rex, Junior (or Rexina) approaches. Much like Iraq, the Kramer family is “in transition,” and we here at Spurious George thank you in advance for your patience during this period.

9/11, PART TWO!!!

2006-09-12T18:33:00.000-04:00

Taliban Attacks Exactly 5 Years Later

(Kabul) On the 5th anniversary of America’s darkest day, the few Taliban forces still active in Afghanistan launched an unprovoked and cowardly attack against US soldiers who were holding a completely spontaneous 9/11 memorial ceremony. By mere coincidence, CNN cameras captured the sneak attack, and thus provided Americans with a vivid reminder of the need for never-ending war against the haters of freedom.

Owing his life to the same soldiers he bad-mouths daily to his national audience, CNN’s Anderson Cooper reported after the attackers had been repelled that he had experienced a battlefield epiphany. “These little brown f*ckers are insane,” shrieked the mainstream media’s magnificently-manicured metro-sexual. “I’m with President Bush; we need to kill every last one of these frigging animals!” Cooper went on to opine that those killed or displaced by Hurricane Katrina “had it coming,” that torture is “too good” for captured terrorists, and that, if given the chance, he’d single-handedly “choke the living sh*t” out of Saddam Hussein for attacking America. In an unrelated note, Anderson immediately tendered his resignation to his former CNN propaganda-pushers, and signed a pro-bono contract with the more patriotic Fox News.

Following a ceremony celebrating the 5th anniversary of his brave emergence from an undisclosed location, Vice President Dick Cheney commended the former CNN rejectionist reporter for his right-thinking revelation. “I firmly believe that if every draft-age American could see first-hand the freedom-hating tenacity of the enemy, they’d support the global war on islamo-fascism whole-heartedly.” Cheney added as tensions between the civilized world and Iran intensify, that dream may come to fruition.

Meanwhile, in Hollywood ABC network executives today gave the green light for production of The Path to 9/11 II, to be produced in cooperation with the entertainment division of Talon News. The based-on-possible-facts movie will depict the likely scenario of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad ordering the strike of the CNN news crew based upon intelligence provided by Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY.)

TODAY IN REVISIONIST HISTORY

2006-09-10T23:57:00.000-04:00

September 11, 2006

Today is September 11, 2006. There are only 104 shopping days until Christmas, but still 296 shopping days until President Bush’s birthday. On today’s date in history…

1609: Henry Hudson discovers Manhattan Island. As these were the days before Rudolph Giuliani brought law and order to the island, Hudson was mugged and left for dead near what would become Battery Park.

1773: Benjamin Franklin writes, “There never was a good war or bad peace.” He thus secures his place as the patron saint of future hippies.

1789: Alexander Hamilton appointed Secretary of the Treasury. His successful campaign against “tax and spend Whigs” earns him Aaron Burr’s coveted spot on the $10 bill.

1814: Americans defeat British in the Battle of Lake Champlain. Vanquished English forces sign the “Lap Dog Treaty,” a compact in effect to this day.

1875: First cartoon strip appears in a US newspaper. Historians note that this was the last time Doonesbury was funny.

1918: The Boston Red Sox defeat the Chicago Cubs to win the World Series. Confident his team is destined to become a dynasty, the team owner (John Kerry’s great-grandfather) trades “extra baggage” Babe Ruth to the Yankees.

1919: US Marines invade Honduras. Pentagon officials still fully expect that oil revenues will eventually pay for the ongoing rebuilding efforts in that country.

1941: Charles Lindbergh charges "the British, the Jews & the Roosevelt administration" are trying to get the US into WW II. Lindbergh is immediately signed to host his own Fox News show.

1941: Months before Pearl Harbor, FDR orders any Axis ship found in American waters be shot on sight. That’s right, hippies, “pre-emptive war” is an American institution!

1951: Florence Chadwick becomes 1st woman to swim the English Channel. Upon returning home, she becomes first woman to tell her husband, “make your own damn sandwich!”

1977: TV’s “Rhoda” gets divorced…probably because she wouldn’t make her husband a sandwich!

1985: Pete Rose of the Cincinnati Reds gets his record-breaking 4,192nd hit. Dorothy Hamill subsequently sues the slugger for unauthorized use of her famous hair-do.

1991: LaToya Jackson’s “Growing Up in the Jackson Family” goes on sale. This, most Americans assume, is the worst thing that will ever happen.

2001: Al Qaeda terrorists, sheltered by the Taliban and financed by Saddam Hussein, crash four planes on US soil. Almost immediately it becomes clear that this is all Bill Clinton’s fault.

SUNDAY SG EDITORIAL: A NEW NAME FOR TERROR

2006-09-10T10:18:00.001-04:00

Much has recently been made of the Bush administration’s attempts to effectively label the forces of evil arrayed against the United States and her allies. When “terrorist” was struck down by the pre-Roberts’ Supreme Court as “void for vagueness,” the Federal Bureau of Buzz Words combed the Dr. Seuss Thesaurus of Made-Up Words for suitable replacements. What followed were serviceable, if not inspiring terms such as insurgent, rejectionist, defeatist, jihadists, Islamic fascist, and ultimately, “islamo-fascist.” While we here at SG have, as ordered by the Department of Homeland Security’s Propaganda Division, used these terms on a daily basis, as professional journalists we have always felt that they lacked a certain intellectual integrity. For example, Democrats hate our freedom, but can they really be described as “islamo-fascists?” The mainstream media clearly give aid and comfort to the enemy, but can we in good faith label them “jihadists?” What’s needed is a term or phrase that encompasses all of America’s enemies…which is why Spurious George endorses “Haters of Happiness!”

This, we believe, defines the “genius of simplicity” people the world-over associate with the current administration. “Haters of Happiness” (pronounced “hoes,”) we believe, is a fitting description for those whose only objective is to harsh America’s mellow. It is the common thread that binds the Talibani warlord to the anti-corporate environmentalist, the Sunni suicide bomber to the San Francisco city councilman. While some wish to see America burn and others hope to see it flooded (in tie-dyed regalia,) all would like nothing better than to see all America-loving patriots become as miserable as they are. While we suspect such an event would do wonders for our pharmaceutical stock holdings, in times of war we must believe in things bigger than our investment portfolio (although, admittedly, this makes us unhappy….damn those H.O.H.s!)

Obviously, once the enemy is properly identified the plan of battle becomes clearer. To defeat the H.O.H. forces, we need only to revel in our happiness. This is best accomplished, we believe, by continuing to make purchases we can’t afford (but make us happy,) driving ego-boosting SUVs from the driveway to the mailbox, and above all else, believing firmly that “everything’s gonna be alright” despite all evidence to the contrary. Only then can we defeat the damn, dirty H.O.H.s!

SG GOES TO THE MOVIES

2006-09-08T23:37:00.000-04:00

Rex Reviews “Path to 9/11”

If you haven’t been to the Heritage Foundation’s private Ronald Reagan Theater, you simply must go, as it’s an architectural homage to the days when “a night at the movies” didn’t expose the film-goer to a sinful smorgasbord of nudity, foul language, and Ben Affleck. From the smartly-attired ushers to the Fox-produced newsreels to the “whites only” section, everything about “the Ron” harkens back to a day when America was less liberal, and thus, infinitely better. It’s the perfect environment for taking in a Left Behind double feature, an Ernest P. Worrell retrospective, or my personal favorite, a factual representation of the events leading up to 9/11, based mostly on the findings of the 9/11 Commission.

I’m speaking about, of course, Path to 9/11, or as I like to call it, It’s All Bill Clinton’s Fault. As a person immensely more fair and balanced than any mainstream media movie critic, I was selected to attend the Heritage’s pre-screening of the film, and although I don’t believe in hyperbole, I can say without hesitation that it is the greatest documentary ever made in the history of everything! Seriously, I love Keifer Sutherland’s completely-feasible Jack Bauer, but if the Emmys hadn’t been held last month, those responsible for Path to 9/11 would have been making a path to the acceptance podium!

The movie begins in the stately halls of Oxford University, where Bill Clinton and Osama bin Laden engage in late-night “rap sessions” regarding their shared hatred of America. At one point, Osama, wearing a stained blue dress, stops performing oral sex on the future President long enough to give a cryptic warning, “On September 11th, 2001 and with the complicit knowledge and backing of some guy named Saddam Hussein, my followers will crash planes into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon!” Clinton, portrayed with uncanny accuracy by the sublime Fred Thompson, predictably ignores the warning.

The film then fast-forwards to the 1990’s, where a victimized White House intern escapes from her forced oral pleasuring of the now-Creep-in-Chief Clinton long enough to advise him that a CIA field operative has the al-Qaeda leader in the sights of his rifle. “Aw, that’s just Binny being Binny,” Clinton sneers down at the terrified volunteer. “Now, stop being silly, and get back to Little Willy!”

The rest they say (“they” being former Republican Governor Thomas Keane,) is history. As every school child knows, moments after the first plane struck President Bush, without hesitation, tore off his break-away business suit in front of a classroom full of awed Florida students, revealing the form-fitting flight suit underneath. Jumping into the stealth fighter that always accompanies him, the President single-handedly shot down over 100 of Saddam’s incoming fighter jets, each of which was carrying enough nuclear, biological and chemical weapons to destroy our nation a thousand times over!

Seriously, folks, this is great cinema, made even more so by the fact that it’s all true! Personally, I can’t wait for the sequel.

Note: Rex is taking Saturday off with the intent of giving the very-pregnant Mrs. Danger-Seeker some aid and comfort...and maybe of watching a Rambo marathon. You can still get your daily dose of democracy, however, over at The Blue Republic!

DISGRACED GOVERNOR SWITCHES PARTIES

2006-09-06T20:58:00.000-04:00

Illinois’ Ryan Now Just Another Crooked Democrat

(Chicago) In a scene reminiscent of a deathbed confession, former Illinois Governor George Ryan tearfully admitted at his sentencing that he is, and always has been, a member of the Democratic Party. “When they elected me as the governor of this state, they expected better, and I let 'em down and for that I apologize*,” the Land of Lincoln liberal offered in his courtroom mea culpa. “That said, all the tell-tale signs of being a Democrat have always been there. Like any good member of that party, I blame society for my ills!”

Ryan, sentenced to six and a half years for racketeering and other charges, started displaying his treasonous tendencies years ago when he not only released thirteen death row convicts, but commuted the sentences of 167 convicted killers who were deservedly awaiting execution. “We should have known then that Ryan was a hippie in Republican clothing,” hind-sighted Illinois Congressman and reformed Democrat Henry Hyde. Hyde, who served as House manager during the Clinton impeachment hearings, knows a thing or two about giving offenders a second chance. “If Slick Willy had been convicted, there’s little chance that this country would have been re-victimized by Hillary Clinton’s presence on the Senate floor,” reasonably explained Hyde.

Ryan’s criminal activities are also clear indications of his leftist leanings. “George Ryan has been convicted of steering government contracts to friends and business associates. This is something no Republican would ever do,” righteously asserted Vice President Dick Cheney during a break in a recent Halliburton stockholders’ meeting. “Just thinking about the disgrace he has brought down upon our party makes me want to shoot a lawyer in the face!”

Although his attorneys have argued that Ryan’s public humiliation is punishment enough, it is expected that the disgraced Democrat will spend the next six-plus years sharing a jail cell with another current Democrat, former Republican Congressman Randall “Duke” Cunningham. In addition, Ryan has been ordered to repay the state of Illinois $603,000 in restitution; however, like most hippies, he is currently poor.

* - Actual Quote

INFINITE OIL SUPPLY DISCOVERED!

2006-09-05T20:21:00.000-04:00

US Tells OPEC To “Suck It!”

(Houston) Much to the dismay of enviro-fascist doomsayers who, aided and abetted by Al “Doom and Gloom” Gore, have questioned God’s ability to provide, the nation’s leading energy companies today announced the discovery of the largest oil find since Alaska a generation ago…and once again, in our own back yard. Experts believe that the Gulf of Mexico site, located 175 miles off the coast of Chocolate City, could supply the US for decades…or at least until the end of Jenna Bush’s second presidential term. “Based upon this find, we predict that soon America will become an oil-exporting nation,” soundly predicted World Bank president Paul Wolfowitz, who had prior to the discovery been concerned that in order to heat the US’ homes this winter he might have to tap into the reserve located in his hair. “Why, I suspect in the coming months we’ll be giving oil to Venezuela’s poor, instead of the other way around!”

News of the historic mother lode’s location had profound effect of all sectors of the world’s economy and political fronts. Oil rose to $876 a barrel in open trading, in an attempt to buffer against expected fuel cost drops. Hummer of America announced that they would finally bring their super-sized SUV, the 36-cylinder “Gotterdamarung,” to market. Hummer boasted that this new offering gets approximately 15 feet per gallon (highway,) and actually makes trees scream as it passes. Also, Defense Secretary Rumsfeld announced that the military was abandoning plans to invade Iran, Nigeria and Russia, for although no one can deny that they still hate our freedom, “let’s face it, we don’t need their oil anymore….yet” explained Rumsfeld.

Surprisingly, not everyone was elated by the euphoric eureka. Tree-huggers complained that with the debunking of their “limited oil theory” they have been forced to embrace a radical new war cry…”too much oil!” According to Greenpeace spokes-hippie Dan Rather, a global oil glut will only encourage consumption, and decrease funding for alternative fuel sources. Unfortunately, this reporter did not hear all of Rather’s remarks, as his idling Hummer Gotterdamarung drowned out any sound other than America’s victory over nature.

TERRORISTS CAUGHT WITH THEIR PANTS DOWN!

2006-09-04T22:05:00.000-04:00

Suspects Financed Terror with Viagra, Face Stiff Penalty

(Montreal) Like the old saying goes, “spare the rod, spoil the terrorists.”

That’s the attitude American and Canadian prosecutors are taking, as they plan on sticking it to a terrorist ring that funded Hezbollah through black-market sales of counterfeit Viagra. “These little pricks are both dope-pushers, counterfeiters AND terrorists. They need to hung…well hung,” dead-panned Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. Gonzales, a hard man with a hard job, promised that the offenders would be punished for their anti-American boners. “Oh yes, they will serve a long, hard sentence, with little or no chance of sweet, sweet release.”

Thus far, federal agents have been unable to obtain any useful information from the suspects during their lengthy interrogations. “They’re all hard as rocks,” commented one envious law enforcement officer. The agent, however, was of the firm belief that the detainees would “soften up eventually.”

In Washington speaking at the proudly-upright Washington Monument, Vice President “Big Dick” Cheney applauded the work of law enforcement in keeping America safe from terrorists. “Someday, Americans will erect monuments to these heroes,” predicted the Veep, adding that police everywhere have been “pitching tents” on our borders and coasts since 9/11. “These folks refuse to stand down, despite what the limp media has to say.” Cheney, whose speeches can go on for hours, unfortunately had to cut this most recent one short…but as we all know, that happens to every man sometimes.

SUNDAY SG EDITORIAL: RUMMY MUST GO

2006-09-03T21:50:00.000-04:00

Appeasement of Democrats the Final Straw

We here at Spurious George are big fans of Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. There are few offices at SG HQ that do not display some kind of homage to this great man, from the obligatory framed and autographed photo, to the life-sized cardboards cutout the DefSec passed out during his most recent visit to the office.

(On a side note, I have a message to the SG staffer who staged “Cardboard Rummy” and “Cardboard Condi” in, well, let’s just call it a “coalition of the willing” position. Very unprofessional, and I can assure you that Baby Jesus would most certainly not approve.)

Yes, we’ve always been very fond of “the Donald,” and by that we don’t mean Trump. However, perhaps it’s time to steal a line from New York worst toupee and sadly say, “Mr. Rumsfeld, you’re fired!” Yes, Spurious George is calling for Donald Rumsfeld’s resignation, but certainly not for the inflated laundry list of complaints the peaceniks have spun from tie-dyed cloth. No, as far as we’re concerned, prisoner-of-war “abuse,” incompetent post-combat planning and Nazi-laced demagoguery are normal, and necessary, aspects of war. What will always get our navy blue blazer in a bunch, however, is any attempt to appease the party of cutting and running. Even Jesus couldn’t forgive that sin!

In a letter sent to top Congressional Democrats (and intercepted by Spurious George by authority of the Patriot Act,) Rumsfeld did the unthinkable by attempting to soften the appropriate words he used to describe the party of Howard Dean (i.e. “pussies”) during a recent speech to combat veterans. “I know you agree that with America under attack and U.S. troops in the field, our national debate on this should be constructive,” namby-pambily wrote Rumsfeld to Democratic leaders. We here at SG, of course, are inherently opposed to writing letters, but are especially disgusted by any that invite traitors to debate. What next, Rummy? Will Osama be invited to the Pentagon for a strategy session?

As always, Spurious George would rather light the flame of liberty than curse the darkness of islamo-fascism. That’s why, while we call for an end to Rumsfeld’s meritorious (and, no doubt Presidential Medal of Freedom-winning) career at the Defense Department, we can heartily endorse a replacement. Our choice is a man who gives no quarter to the wants and needs of the Democrats, or for that matter, the majority of ill-informed Americans. For the next Secretary of Defense for this Bush President and the next (Jeb) Bush President, we nominate….Joe Lieberman!

Note to BLOGGER bloggers: Missing Rex Kramer's comments at you blog? Blame BLOGGER BETA. On average, it takes 3-5 attempts to log on to any given comment section...if I can log on at all. The "remember me?" box? It's clearly for decoration, it seems. If you haven't made the switch to BETA, for the love of God and country DON'T DO IT!!!

KLASSIC KRAMER

2006-09-02T17:49:00.000-04:00

Note: Today, Rex Kramer is doing his part to fight the terrorists by watching football. The following “Klassic Kramer” article originally ran on November 21, 2005.

Hillary Would Be Fattest President

(Sacramento) Conservative fitness buff Rush Limbaugh today released a study of potential 2008 presidential candidates that strongly indicated that, if elected, Hillary Clinton would ultimately become America’s most portly president.

“Compared side by beefy side, William Howard Taft would be called svelte,” opined the hunky health guru, who hosts a humble self-help radio show aimed at the timid and unopinionated. “I’m not so sure that’s the kind of role model our citizens deserve. I’m just thinking about the children here, people.”

Clinton, who currently crushed the scale at an estimated 350 pounds, would almost certainly add unsightly fat upon taking office. Said Bob Woodward in advance of his latest book, “Things I’ve Never Heard in the White House,” “I’ve never actually been to the White House, but I hear the chefs whips up some tasty desserts. Frankly, I just don’t think that Hillary lacks the willpower.”

President Bush, who could not be reached for comment as he was busy lugging a 200-pound rucksack through the mountains of Mongolia in his never-ending search for Osama bin Laden, is usually held up as the picture of presidential health. In addition to the silver decathlon medal he won in 1968, Bush is the veteran of eighteen Iron Man triathlons, and is currently the world record-holder in the 100m breaststroke.

Marveled California governor and bodybuilder of some ability Arnold Schwarzenegger, “I have seen the man with his shirt off, and let me tell you something, instead of ‘Hail to the Chief,’ they should call it ‘Hail to the Beefcake!” The governor then went on to explain that he meant nothing sexual by the remark, and that he would never consider groping the president.

Senator Clinton, reached at a local Haagen-Dazs ice creamery where a 20,000 calorie sundae is most likely named in her “honor,” refused to comment, filled as her mouth probably was with caramel and hot fudge.

PIGSKIN, PABST AND PRE-TEEN PARTIES!

2006-09-01T20:41:00.001-04:00

Rex Blows Off the Masses for a Day or Two

(Orlando) Here at Spurious George HQ, we’ve had September 2 circled on our Katherine Harris cheesecake calendar for months now. The day kicks off with Rex Kramer’s eldest daughter’s birthday party here at the Kramerica Kompound, eases into a Citrus Bowl tailgate party for UCF’s football opener, and ends at a local (undisclosed location) bar to watch the satellite feed from Gainesville, where Rex’s alma mater (the ass-kicking Gators of the University of Florida) will be taking Southern Mississippi behind the woodshed. While we, like the President, will of course be thinking of ways to keep America safe from the islamo-fascists, we’ll be doing so while drinking cheap beer and ogling sorority girls. God, I love this country!

Sadly, this means that there will be little time for educating the ill-informed hippie masses here at the Spurious George site. However, you can still feel the Joy of Rex by visiting The Blue Republic, where you will be astounded by Rex Kramer’s admission that he adores a certain Senator from New York!

Note: While Rex is otherwise occupied, SG will publish a "Classic Kramer" piece from the original Spurious George site. Sure, it may be a repeat, but since nobody read it the first time, it'll be new to you!

THE MOST AMERICA-LOVING STATE?

2006-08-31T21:56:00.000-04:00

Indiana Blows the Other 49 Away!

In this, the second installment of a 50-part (non-consecutive series,) Spurious George continues its attempt to answer the previously- unanswerable question; which state is the most patriotic. Last time we visited Kentucky (August 16th)…today we rate Indiana’s dedication to freedom!

(Bloomington, IN) Not long ago, the most explosive and unstable element in the state was Indiana University’s head basketball coach, Bobby Knight. While the Hoosier hoops hothead was known for tossing around chairs and four-letter words with impunity, but never in his wildest dreams did he light up 700 tons of ammonium nitrate and fuel oil inside the bowels of a limestone quarry! “It’s gonna be one hot potato(e) of a time,” patriotically yee-hawed former Vice President Dan Quayle.

While the $23 million project conducted by the military, code-named “Divine Strake,” is officially a test of something called “Tunnel Target Defeat Advanced Concept Technology,” Spurious George has learned that for the more God-fearing/Republican residents of the Hoosier State the blast represents a chance to prove once and for all that we humans did not descend from the south-end of a north-bound red-assed baboon. “We’ve heard the hippies say that the universe began with a ‘Big Bang,” scoffed intellectually-designed Senator Richard Lugar (R-IN.) “Well, we’ll see about that. If 700 tons of some seriously-explosive shit doesn’t form a new universe, well, chalk up another victory for Jesus!”

Not all Champions of Christ, however, welcomed the news that Indiana had been selected as the test site. “Why can’t we do this in San Francisco’s Castro District, New York City’s Village Green, or Miami’s South Beach?” reasonably asked Secretary of Church and State Pat Robertson, a long-time proponent of incendiary urban renewal. Robertson also expressed concern that a blast of such magnitude might actually open up a gateway to hell. “Even more reason to do this in some hippie town,” explained Jesus’ official mouthpiece. “If they’re in such a hurry to get to hell, I say let’s open up an expressway!”

LIKE DROPPING GAS PRICES? HUG A REPUBLICAN!

2006-08-30T20:00:00.000-04:00

$1 Gallons Expected by Mid-November

(Undisclosed Location) According to the polls that are read daily by President Bush (a voracious reader) and other leading Republicans, Americans are becoming increasingly concerned about gas prices as the traditional travel holidays approach. Always responsive to the needs of middle and low class Americans, GOP lawmakers have been quietly and without fanfare laying the groundwork for a significant drop in fuel prices prior to Election Day. “Clearly, we’re in the last throes of high prices at the pump,” confidently asserted Vice President and the nation’s energy czar Dick Cheney. “The worst case scenario is that premium will be selling a $1 per gallon by the time Americans go to the polls. More than likely, we’ll be giving gas away.”

While many economists suggest that a rapidly-stabilizing Iraq (thanks to Bush’s no cut-and-run policy) is primarily responsible for the predicted plummeting prices for petrol, others suggest that the general tenets of the “Bush Doctine” have had the greatest effect. “What oil-producing nation in their right mind would gouge America when they know they could easily be plotted on the Axis of Evil©?” pondered Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. “I mean, selling oil at $1 per barrel sounds pretty good when you consider the alternative is turning their oilfields into radioactive wastelands!” Rumsfeld then excused himself, as his erection had become embarrassingly obvious.

Addressing the predictable conspiracy theories put forth by Democrats regarding the “suspicious” timing of the price drops, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) questioned the priorities of the opposition party. “It seems that Democrats would rather be in power than have all Americans enjoy access to cheap, or possibly even free fuel.” Frist, who has long blamed inflated gas prices on the liberals’ inexcusable appeasement to the islamo-fascist oil cartels, testified that the President’s vision for an America-friendly Middle East has once again proven that the Democrats are incapable of leading this country. “If it were up to them,” truthfully opined the Tennessee oracle, “we’d be buying gas at $5 a gallon from Osama himself.”

AXIS OF AMERICA-HATING EXPOSED

2006-08-29T20:02:00.000-04:00

Hillary-Lamont Form Unholy Alliance

(Buffalo) Citizens of Connecticut who doubt insurgent candidate Ned Lamont’s America-hating bona fides should now have all the evidence they need, as Spurious George has learned that the Che Guevera disciple is now in bed with America’s pre-eminent freedom-hater, Senator Hillary Clinton (not literally “in bed,” of course. I mean, we here at SG are fairly certain that Ned’s not Hillary’s type. Wink, wink!)

The two titans of treason recently met at a cheap airport motel under the guise of discussing strategy for Lamont’s commie crusade against fair-and-balanced Joe Lieberman. However, through a hotel staffer SG was able to learn (albeit hampered by a language barrier) that the pair of patriotism-haters may have been making plans for beyond 2006. “Servicio de habitación, Senor Kramer,” tipped the anonymous informant through a chained and bolted hotel room door, which intrepid reporter Rex Kramer (Non-Spanish-Speaker) later interpreted to mean “The man-woman and the effeminate man will be on the 2008 presidential ticket!”

News of this duo of democracy-destroying’s plans came as a shock to former President Bill Clinton, who has recently been touring Connecticut sorority houses in support of his good friend Joe Lieberman. “I feel Joe Lieberman’s pain. I know what it’s like when a blowjob, whether received by the President, or in Joe’s case, giving one to the President, can ruin your legacy.” Clinton stated that he would continue to work toward Lieberman’s re-election, but admitted that doing so might cause some tension in the Clinton household. “Please don’t tell Hillary I’m behind Joe,” pleaded the former President to this reporter. “She might make me be the woman. Again.”

ANOTHER EXCLUSIVE SG PANIC ALERT!

2006-08-28T10:26:00.000-04:00

Iran Test-Fires Missile; Attack on US Imminent

(Tehran) Spurious George had learned that not only does Iran intend to continue its development of nuclear weapons, it is actively working on a delivery system that could lay waste to every US city with little or no advance warning. As the Iranian navy test-launched a long-range missile from a submarine based in the Persian Gulf, freedom-loving people everywhere are asking the question, “Iran has a navy? With submarines? When did this happen?”

As it so happens Iran’s entire fleet of 10 Russian submarines were purchased from North Korea in 1993; it is believed that at the time of the deal, President Clinton was distracted by two runaway teenage lesbian midgets who were “sleeping” in the Lincoln bedroom. “That deal never would’ve happened under our watch,” grumbled Vice President Dick Cheney. “I mean, who would buy crappy commie subs when there are superior American-made ones available. I have no doubt that Halliburton could’ve gotten them a sweet deal, subsidized by the American taxpayer, no less!” As President of the Senate, Cheney stated that he intended to call Congress back into session to debate whether or not Clinton should be impeached for the damage caused to the defense contractor economy.

While the capabilities of the new Iranian rocket are not fully known, many in the business of keeping the homeland safe believe it could strike most US cities on the east coast, and more importantly, Iraqi oil fields that have already been parsed out to administration-friendly oil conglomerates. “We will not sit idly by while the islamo-fascist blow up our pipelines, which, I should point out, are in excellent condition,” asserted BP spokesman Tony Blair. “We demand that all government funds currently allocated to the Hurricane Katrina recovery efforts be re-directed to the re-implementation of the Star Wars program!”

On news that an attack on the oil supply was imminent, prices for crude rose to $1,087 a barrel in open trading. Stocks-watchers called this a mere market adjustment, but warned that further adjustments may be necessary if Hurricane Ernesto strikes the US or if Iran turns Boston into a smoldering cinder.

IS OBAMA HIV-POSITIVE?

2006-08-27T08:32:00.000-04:00

Presidential Hopeful Leave US for Treatment

(Nairobi, Kenya) Republicans concerned about the upcoming mid-term elections mouth-breathed a sigh of relief, secure (like our borders) in the knowledge that at least the White House will be in GOP hands until at least 2012. Patriotic conservative leaders had been worried about the meteoric rise of Barrack Obama’s popularity, but are now content that his presidential aspirations have been dashed by news that the Illinois Senator might have AIDS.

While details, like the Democrats’ political platform, are still fuzzy, Spurious George has been able to confirm that Obama recently traveled to Kenya, where he was tested for the dreaded HIV virus. Results of the test are not yet known, and may not be known for some time; Kenyan health officials have complained that the country’s only laboratory is critically short of the medicine men and chicken bones necessary to process the large number of samples submitted by visiting Democrats. “Click-click-click-a-ooga,” raged the lab’s director, clearly upset by the chaos the Senator’s photo-op visit has caused.

Most conservatives expressed sympathy for Obama’s possible infection, for as true Christians they have been taught to hate the sin and not the sinner. Still, political pundits couldn’t help but weigh in regarding how this development might hinder what was once a promising future. “Whether he got it from unprotected anal sex, unprotected hooker sex, or sharing a needle with Ted Kennedy, HIV means Obama’s hopes for the White House are DOA,” pronounced Sen. Bill Frist (R-TN,) who as a doctor knows a dead-man-walking when he sees one. Frist immediately introduced legislation that would keep Obama literally “on the other side of the aisle” for the remainder of his Senate term, lest he infect his more America-loving (and intravenous drug-hating) colleagues.

Others, however weren’t as open-minded as Senator Frist. “I’m black. I’m a politician. I’m AIDS-free,” proudly announced former presidential candidate Alan Keyes who, despite being an African-American, does not hate America. “Why aren’t I mentioned as a serious contender for the White House? If you ask me, Barrack’s affliction was God’s way of telling him to know his place…which obviously is the nearest steambath/crack house.”

Note: Even Rex Kramer (Danger Seeker) knows that AIDS isn’t funny. However, if one of the talking heads doesn’t at least float the idea that Obama’s HIV test wasn’t entirely symbolic, well, I’ll get out of the satire business altogether.

JESSICA LYNCH: PATRIOT OR WHORE?

2006-08-26T08:43:00.000-04:00

Administration Struggles with Icon’s Image

(Morgantown, WV) In the heady days when Democrats other than Joe Lieberman supported the opening volleys in the War on Terror©, Pvt. Jessica Lynch represented everything our great nation was fighting for; specifically, the right of petite, undereducated white enlisted women to be rescued by a Special Forces team accompanied by journalist with night-vision cameras and a satellite feed. Like America, she was virtuous in spirit, pure in intentions, and functionally illiterate. Thus, three years removed from her inspiring rescue, a nation was horrified to learn that “America’s supply clerk sweetheart” has been knocked-up by Kevin Federline. “We’re gonna name her ‘Britney George Bush Federline,” announced the chain-smoking Lynch to 15 Minutes of Fame magazine. Lynch went on to explain that without the born-out-of-wedlock’s namesakes both parents would have long ago been relegated to anonymous lives of convenience store loitering.

While generally praising Lynch’s decision to not abort her baby, many conservatives expressed concern regarding the message an out-of-wedlock baby born to their war-time poster child will send to future war poster-children. “I’d hate to see our soldiers return from the horrors of war to the horrors of a lifetime with the child of a untalented white rapper/parasite,” lamented Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. “Clearly, the solution is to keep our soldiers overseas indefinitely, lest they cross the human Rubicon that is Kevin Federline.”

Secretary of Church and State Pat Robertson was even more direct in his damnation. “God has told me that whole family is going to hell,” judged the uncannily-correct Robertson on yesterday’s C-Span Christian Hour. “Her surrender to the forces of an inferior religion made Baby Jesus weep a little, but her whoring and adultery has Him wailing like Howard Dean.”

DEMS FORCE PLUTO TO RESIGN

2006-08-24T23:57:00.000-04:00

9th Planet Accused of Incompetence, Ballot-Tampering

(Prague) Screeching from the bully pulpit of the International Astronomical Union (a subsidiary of MoveOn.org,) DNC chairman Howard Dean yesterday delivered an impassioned/meth-fueled tirade against the most patriotic of planets, Pluto, that ultimately resulted in the distant orb withdrawing from the Solar System of the Willing©. Treasonously calling into question the icy world’s 1930 election and inexplicably questioning the circles in which it runs, Dean, backed by money coming out of Uranus, strong-armed the IAU into calling for Pluto’s impeachment. “Clyde Tombaugh lied, and a unified definition of planethood died,” slanderously accused the known anti-Kuiper Belt Dean, referring to Pluto’s discoverer. Dean also alluded to what he called trumped-up evidence regarding Pluto’s threat to neighboring worlds. “We were led to believe that an attack on Neptune was imminent, while evidence now shows that this is false.”

Plutonian spokesman Tony Snow asserted that Pluto has every right to call itself a planet, and that this assessment had been supported by attorneys with the Justice Department. However, he also announced that the planet would be voluntarily stepping down until the formal investigation had been completed. “We believe in the supremacy of the Intergalactic Constitution, unless, of course, it’s superseded by the Plutonian Patriot Act.”

Reaction to the partisan attack on Pluto was light speed swift. Joe Lieberman, who has often been confused with a cyst orbiting around Uranus, defended the ninth planet with his usual hold-Joe-prisoner’s aplomb. “We undermine Pluto’s credibility at our own risk,” warned the Senator (D-Mars.)

IN “JOE” FACE, LAMONT!

2006-08-23T22:23:00.000-04:00

There’s No Stopping Joe-Mentum!

(Hartford) Joe Namath. Joe Theismann. Joe Montana. The list of great American Joes who defied the odds and reached for the gold ring is long and illustrious. Today another Joe added his own story to that fabled legacy, as Senator Joe Lieberman, against all odds, secured his place on the November ballot. “This is a great day for Joes everywhere! I got may mo-Joe back!” Lieberman crowed as he announced he had obtained the required number of signatures necessary for placement on the ballot. “I have Joe doubt that Joe-mentum will carry us to victory in Joe-vember!”

Backed by the lunatic fringe of the Democratic Party (as if that wasn’t redundant,) challenger Ned Lamont upset the Joe-vertly America-loving sitting Senator in this month’s party primary. However, as the newest and only member of his own party, the “G-Joe-P,” Lieberman’s well-Joewn name will appear on the ballot near both Lamont’s and pseudo-Republican Alan Schlesinger. Asked for a prediction as to how he thinks he’ll fair against his challengers, Lieberman’s response was apro-Joe. “Neither is named ‘Joe.’ Thus, I say they have Joe chance!”

Many in the liberal mainstream media have treasonously opined that Lieberman’s primary defeat sent Joe-tice to other candidates that Joe-ters rejected his “Joe-ing the line” when it came to President Bush’s (brilliant) foreign policy. Lieberman stated that he rejects this accusation, asserting that he’s “Joe-body’s lap dog.”

By refusing to Joe in the towel, Lieberman seems to have gained the support of independents and even a few Republicans who refuse to be blinded by the Democrats’ Joe-mophobia. Polls show that if the election were held today, Joe would Joe away the competition. Lieberman admitted that he was humbled by the support offered by conservatives. “The fact that they would vote for a Joe-ish man means that the G-Joe-P, I mean the GOP, is a-Joe-k with me!”

DARWIN WAS A NAZI!

2006-08-22T21:40:00.000-04:00

Hitler Had “Fish With Legs” Symbol on His Beemer

(Auschwitz) World-renowned hate expert Ann Coulter has finally and authoritatively placed the blame for the Holocaust on whom it truly belongs: Charles Darwin! While most associate the British evolutionist with cute little monkeys and care-free turtles, a new documentary starring America’s prettiest pundit has revealed that were it not for his radical, Jesus-hating ideas, Hitler would have become little more than an obscure Austrian artist with a bad mustache. “To put it simply, no Darwin, no Hitler,” reasonably asserts Darwin’s Deadly Legacy narrator Dr. D. James Kennedy, who, despite his last name, probably doesn’t hate America. “Hitler tried to speed up evolution, to help it along, and millions suffered and died in unspeakable ways because of it.”

The ground-breaking film, deemed too factual for broadcast by the mainstream media, will be televised August 26th and 27th by Florida’s Coral Ridge Ministries on its award-winning Coral Ridge Hour (channel 849 ½ .) Fourteen scholars, including Coulter’s favorite scientist and author of Darwin’s Black Box Michael Behe, meticulously outline “the grim consequences of Darwin’s theory of evolution and show how his theory fueled Hitler’s ovens.” Behe, cited often by Coulter in her latest masterpiece Godless: The Church of Liberalism, also cites gay marriage, the establishment of the death tax and illegal Mexican immigrants as pre-cursors to the rise of national socialism, but summarizes that the movement would have died a quiet death had it not been for Darwin’s blasphemous theories. “In a little-known manuscript, Darwin predicted that the ultimate product of evolution would be brown-shirted, blonde-haired, and blue-eyed Aryans!” asserted Behe, who declined SG’s request to examine these documents, stating that “his liberal dog had eaten them.”

Long-time Coulter worshipers know well her pioneering work in the field of Darwin-debunking, and her contributions to Darwin’s Deadly Legacy gave it the star power necessary for the Academy Award nomination it will inevitable receive. “Evolution,” she sexily breathes in one scene, “is one notch above Scientology in scientific rigor.” Later in the film Coulter, dressed only in a string bikini and slathered head-to-toe in Crisco Oil, Coulter ritualistically beats a monkey to death with an iron crucifix, then, after tearing into two a picture of Darwin, screeches “Fight the real power!”

JOE SCARBOROUGH HATES AMERICA

2006-08-21T21:04:00.000-04:00

Previously Pro-Bush, Pundit Now a Pussy!

(Washington) Even those misguided few who have yet to grasp the brilliance that is one George W. Bush will admit that the man possesses the kind of loyalty usually reserved for Labrador retrievers. Sadly, it seems some who he has brought into his circle of trust would cut and run once the going got tough; we’re looking at you, Joe Scarborough…or should we say, JUDAS!!!

It seems that, as a former Congressman, Scarborough’s convictions are determined by the latest poll, as the easily-persuaded pundit recently not only asked the audience of his MSNBC show, “Is Bush an idiot?” but also answered his own question. Comparing Bush to other presidents, jelly-spined Joe sounded like the liberal elitist he’s become when re remarked, “I think George Bush is in a league by himself. I don't think he has the intellectual depth as these other people.”

More patriotic political pundits proudly pounced on the pansy’s preposterous proclamation. “It’s a sad, sad day when a liberal Democratic Senator named Joe is a better Republican than a former GOP Congressman named Joe,” accurately assessed the still-loyal Michelle Malkin as she deleted Scarborough’s name from her cell phone’s speed-dial. “I guess we won’t be seeing him at the next White House signing statement.”

Equally disgusted was the regent of Republican radio, Rush Limbaugh. “My God! Is he on drugs? Did his housekeeper, without his knowledge or consent, forge his doctor’s prescription and feed him drugs?” Limbaugh confessed that a similar incident in the past once caused him to say things against his nature, and opined that Mel Gibson’s illegal immigrant maid may have been behind his anti-Semitic rant.

Others, however, were not providing Scarborough with any hypothetical excuses. “He’s a filthy, liberal traitor, and should be rendered through a meat grinder,” calmly offered the comely Ann Coulter between bites of sautéed baby seal. “To question the President during times of war undermines the efforts of our brave men and women in uniform, and only serves to bring aid and comfort to the enemy.” Miss Coulter’s assessment was seconded by her dinner companion, Senator Joe Lieberman (D-CT.)

In keeping with his new-found cowardice, Scarborough refused to comment for this article. What a wuss.

EXCLUSIVE SG PANIC ALERT!!!

2006-08-20T10:38:00.000-04:00

Illegal Immigrants, Islamo-Fascists Join Forces

A shocking new development uncovered by the crack Spurious George anti-terror investigative team has revealed why now, more than ever, we need to keep the Republicans in power so that the War on Terror doesn’t fall to the liberals. Distracted by frivolous lawsuits regarding “illegal” wiretaps and prisoner of war “abuses,” our benevolent government has allowed the unthinkable to happen: a union of our nation’s most evil enemies! “I don’t think anyone could have predicted this would have happened,” competently assessed the recess-appointed federal anti-terror czar Michael Brown, regarding a finding that 70,000 US Hispanic have converted to Islam. “As a precaution, we’re raising the terror threat level to ultra-violet, and may have to suspend the upcoming mid-term elections.”

While federal authorities can not state with any certainty how many of these “friends of Osama” are in the country illegally, with the country at war no one’s taking any chances. “We have to assume that each and every convert somehow miraculously slipped through our defenses at the Rio Grande,” cautioned Homeland Security director Michael Chertoff, who subsequently overrode Brown’s order and elevated the threat level to “infrared.” As an added precaution, intelligence agencies under his umbrella will begin monitoring Spanish-language radio stations for cryptic messages, and as an added precaution, arrest any woman eating a taco while wearing a burka.

Alerted to the emerging crisis, President Bush took the unprecedented step of raising the terrorist threat level to “mega-cinnamon,” a level not reached even during the run-up to the 2004 general election. The President also judiciously suspended Constitutional Amendments 1, as well as 3 through 10, a power granted to him on page 11,014 of the revised Patriot Act (double-secret probation version.) “The enemy is among us, people,” the President warned a gathering of Boy Scout troops on the White House lawn. “He’s bussing our tables, he’s mowing our lawns, and he’s cleaning up on aisle 5. He may even be in Connecticut, running for the Senate. Hard to say.”

Until the job of rounding up the Mexi-fascists can be completed by the competent Republican government, citizens are encouraged to keep buying gasoline as a signal to the terrorists that we can’t be cowered. Also, anyone talking with a funny accent (Texans excluded) should be reported to the local authorities.

HATE OR HERITAGE?

2006-08-19T10:02:00.000-04:00

Florida Tag to Finally Answer Age-Old Question

(Tallahassee) In a movement reminiscent of woman’s suffrage advocacy and civil rights struggles, long-suffering descendants of Confederate veterans have been battling to get their message out to the people. That message, of course, is that their slave-owning, lynch mob-forming, KKK-organizing ancestors need to be remembered for the heroes that they were. As the mainstream media and politically-correct politicians have ignored their plight, these Sons of Confederate Veterans have decided to take their message to the people via Florida’s traditional public arena…the license plate.

"Public support has been overwhelmingly positive," said John Walker Adams of Sons of Confederate Veterans, referring to the proposed “Confederate Heritage” specialty tag that displays the five flags of the Confederacy. “The colored folks don’t seem to like it, of course, but their kind can be uppity.”

Nine other states offer license plates that profess pride in their military heritage, and according to Florida advocate H.K. Edgerton, his state risks falling behind others in the retro-racism race. “Are we any less supportive of our long-dead troops than Mississippi or South Carolina? We need to show them others that we’re as rabidly proud as they are!”
Edgerton and his posse later announced that they would hold a nighttime rally to bring attention to their cause, where they would wear white to symbolize the purity of their intentions, and also burn a large lower-case “t” to represent the truth of which they speak.

For the Confederate Heritage tag to join the nearly 100 others offered to Floridians, the group must collect 30,000 signatures of those likely to purchase the plate, as well as obtain the blessing of the governor. When asked whether he would endorse such a proposal, Gov. Jeb Bush remarked, “Oh sweet Jesus, I’d rather sign my own death warrant.” Plate advocates opined that as a death penalty supporter, the governor left the door open with that statement.

Note: The SG technical staff finally solved the riddle of loading photos onto this site. We won't bore you with the details, but evidently it involves something called "hetmel" (html.) Sounds vaguely French.

NO FREEDOM-LOVING PHOTOS

2006-08-17T21:03:00.000-04:00

SG Censored by Blogger©, Military Action Likely

(Orlando) Spurious George, which recently opened its new website to critical reviews and the amazement of the masses, has long (since October 2005) been known for its hard-hitting, America-loving stories, but is also respected for its iconic images that both inspire and incite. Unfortunately SG’s publisher, in an act that can only be described as “terroresque,” appears to be cutting costs by not allowing America’s Most Patriotic Blog© to upload its freedom-loving photos. “If a picture is worth a thousand words,” originally quipped SG spokesman Ari Fleischer, “we’d send Blogger a photo of an ICBM pointed directly at their hippie headquarters.”

(A photo of a nuclear…sorry…’nucular’ missile would appear here…if Blogger didn’t fear freedom so overtly!)

While Spurious George neither confirms nor denies that it possesses weapons of mass destruction, sources within the organization assert that they reserve the right to execute a pre-emptive strike if their photos of scantily-clad, all-American girls aren’t allowed to be viewed by their devout readership. “This is censorship most foul, and most un-American,” harrumphed Fleischer. “Our fans want, nay, need their daily dose of domestic cheesecake! To deny them only serves to give aid and comfort to the enemy!”

SG attempted to contact Blogger for a comment for this story, but the illegal immigrant janitor who answered the phone stated that everyone was both too stoned and too busy burning the American flag to reply.

Ed. Note: Seriously, are we the only people having this problem?

THE MOST AMERICA-LOVING STATE?

2006-08-16T21:50:00.000-04:00

Kentucky Blows Sh*t Up, Makes Its Case

Today Spurious George begins a 50-part (non-consecutive) series that will finally answer which state is the most patriotic (we’ll save you some suspense; Massachusetts isn’t it!)

(West Point, KY) Every year since 1979, the state that produces the all-American and natural combination of whiskey and baseball bats ratchets up its in-your-city-slicker-face level of America-loving with the Knob Creek Shoot, an intoxicating orgy of rugged individualism, guns, and blowing sh*t the f*ck up. Deep in Red State Country, ten thousand mostly-related Kentuckians gather to both celebrate and exercise their Jesus-given 2nd Amendment rights by sending downrange the kind of ordinance that is the nightmare of would-be terrorists and the dreams of NRA members everywhere. “When I go to sleep tonight, I'll dream of towel heads splattering all over the place*,” patriotically fantasized a Valkyrie Arms spokeswoman while cradling her company’s newest addition to the War on Towel Heads©, the six-barrel, .223 caliber Valkyrior 556 Rotary Gun. “This baby’d turn Osama bin Laden into Osama bin Splatten in less time than it’d take to orally pleasure your cousin!”

The event climaxes with a night shoot where, with a hovering helicopter laying down suppressing fire from its M-60 door-mounted machine gun, grounded machine gunners who would be serving in Iraq if it weren’t for their trick knees target glow stick-marked 50-gallon drums filled with gasoline and dynamite (no, seriously.) The spectacle is so inspiring that Kentucky hospitals regularly report a spike in childbirths nine months after the event. Common are the comments of one clearly-excited local, who upon marveling slack-jawed at the impressive display of firepower drawled, “We need to ship a few to the border and start splattering Mexicans*!”

This gathering of law-abiding, natural-born citizens isn’t entirely about the inalienable right to bear kick-ass arms, however. Organizers monosyllabically contest that they’re equally supportive of the First Amendment, especially as it applies to commemorative items offered for sale during the freedom-loving festival. “If someone wants to sell white supremacist and neo-Nazi crap, that's OK with me. If it offends anyone, they don't have to stop at that vendor's table. It's just like strip clubs. I don't care nothing about them and they can be wherever they want. I have the ability to stop in or drive by. This is America and we do have the right to choose. That's why I do not restrict any of the vendors at our show*,” semi-lucidly proclaimed Knob Creek Gun Range owner Kenny “Fort” Sumner. Sumner was referring to the few bad apples who hawk their “hate wares” at the festival, as well as the operators of such carnival attractions as the “Lynch a Negro” and “Hang a Homo.”

For most festival attendees, however, the only kind of hating they’re guilty of is the kind reserved for those who would do our country harm: terrorists, liberals, and Jane Fonda. We here at SG ask our readers, is there anything more American than that?

* – Indicates an actual quote. Seriously, these people can vote AND breed!

RUMMY QUESTIONS JEWISH MANHOOD

2006-08-15T22:10:00.000-04:00

Israelites “French of the Middle East”

(Washington) While most administration officials are publicly lending support to the tenuous cease-fire in the Middle East, Spurious George has learned there are others who are privately expressing disgust with Israel’s French-like tendencies. Particularly nauseated is Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, who confided to a not-unsympathetic World Bank head Paul Wolfowitz, “I’m beginning to wonder if the Star of David isn’t just two pink triangles intertwined in a lewd manner.” Insiders say that the Pentagon chief is incensed with Tel Aviv’s “double-whammy of duplicitous wussiness”: the negotiated settlement with Hezbollah and its refusal to invade Syria as ordered by Washington. “First, we never negotiate with terrorists, unless they’re Saudi royalty,” Rumsfeld is said to have lectured the framed photo of his idol Major General Curtis LeMay that adorns his corner office in the War Room. “Second, when the US tells you to invade someone, you just say, ‘mission accomplished!”

Others in the administration, such as Secretary of Church and State Pat Robertson, believe that the recent Israeli capitulation will set back America’s Middle East agenda back decades. “I ask you, how can the Rapture be brought about if the plains of Armageddon aren’t flowing with the blood of the non-believers?” asked Jesus’ chosen messenger to a framed photo of his idol, Reverend Jim Jones. With a heavy sigh he then lamented that “once again Christian everywhere have been betrayed by the Jews.”

Even Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, whose efforts at diplomacy, to the surprise of many, did not unduly delay peace talks, admitted that she was disappointed with Israel’s willingness to come to the table. “Reliable intelligence revealed that Osama bin Laden himself was just a few mere miles behind Hezbollah’s front lines in southern Lebanon,” asserted the future first female President, and a woman who has never, ever lied in her life (to accuse otherwise only reveals her critics’ racism.) “That said, if America experiences another 9/11, blame must be placed on the Israelis. Or the Democrats. Maybe Ned Lamont. Hard to say.”

Downplaying dissention in the ranks, President Bush denied the US advocated a military incursion into Syria by Israeli forces, citing his long history of using military might only as a last resort. “As you all know, I’m a hundred percent against unprovoked aggression,” giggled “the Peace President while enjoying a game of Risk© with the Vice President. “That said, all options are on the table.”

Note: Blogger seems to be having problems with posting images today...no doubt the Democrats are behind it!

WELCOME TO SPURIOUS GEORGE, v. 2.0!

2006-08-14T21:19:00.000-04:00

“Joy of Rex” Returns to Blogosphere!

(Orlando) Let the Rex-ual healing begin!

After months of fits and starts, Spurious George has returned to fill the blogosphere’s “conservative gap” with a man-sized portion of pure America-loving! We here at SG HQ wish to thank our devoted RexHeads© for their patience during the unfortunate pause in patriotic punditry, and hereby promise we’ll never again leave you in liberty-loving limbo!

In addition, much platonic heterosexual Republican-style love to Dude @ The Blue Republic for his web-design acumen. The man is a true artist, which is why it’s such a tragedy he’s been reduced to selling weed to middle-school kids in Flagstaff. You can read more about his cry for help at The Blue Republic, where although registration is required, they lack the federal funding necessary to anything particularly evil with your fake personal information.

Finally, the liberal mainstream media has slanderously intimated that the new SG Staff has become little more than a golden parachute for disgraced Republican figures; we can assure you that nothing could be further from the truth. That said, we’d like to thank some of the new faces who have helped make our transition as smooth as the back of the co-ed from which Ted Kennedy snorts his blow…people like I. Lewis Libby (Director of Information Dissemination,) Jack Abramoff (Native Indian Liaison,) Harriet Miers (Senior Superlative and Hyperbole Editor,) “Duke” Cunningham (Creative Finance Officer,) Michael Brown (Emergency Operations Czar,) George Tenet (HQ Security,) Katherine Harris(Make-up and Props,) John Ashcroft (Color Coordinator) and Ari Fliescher (Deputy Director of Douchebaggery.)

With this winning team, and your continued patronage, we here at Spurious George firmly believe that we can bring the Rex-ual Revolution to the unwashed, hippie masses, and more importantly, keep the GOP in power (where they belong) in perpetuity!